I was added to a Facebook group a couple years ago called “Queer Cruising,” not really sure what to expect. All I knew was that a few friends had said it was so much fun to be a part of and to see all the amazing posts added to the group.
Every day my notifications would light up with fellow LGBTQ people posting beautiful photos of themselves along with lengthy descriptions of their sexual desires. All in hopes to find someone else on the group who had similar desires.
I quickly became intimidated by the in-depth kinky things my peers were posting about. They had language and acronyms for things I only vaguely knew of. While it definitely grew my sexual knowledge about all the pleasurable experiences humans can have, it also made me nervous to make a post of my own on queer cruising.
Sure, I had some sexual kinks I knew I was into. And I’d never judge anyone for their sexual desires. But I suddenly felt like the outsider in my own community. It seemed to me that being into BDSM and kink was a prerequisite for coming out as queer.
I couldn’t help but ask myself: Am I kinky enough to be queer?
A friend of mine who works at Pleasure Chest and I have been talking about this topic a lot lately. Queer people seem to want to one-up each other’s kinkiness.
“Everyone should be able to be as kinky or vanilla as they want!” Nicolette* exclaimed.
“Ugh, I know. Like just let everyone be with their sexual desires. This isn’t a competition!” I responded with passion.
No one should ever feel pressured into a sexual act that they aren’t ready for or don’t want to explore. And when you’re feeling community expectation to perform a certain way because you’re queer—that can feel like coercion from outside the bedroom.
Everyone’s understanding of what is kinky and what is vanilla is so vastly different. Flogging might be someone’s version of vanilla play while it’s someone else’s most kinky thing they want to explore.
Participating in kinky sexual acts doesn’t necessarily mean someone is kinky, either. Though they definitely can be! Kink is a practice for some, an identity for others, or both! And any person of any sexual orientation can be kinky (or not!).
The thing is, sexual acts aren’t what makes your sexual orientation. Many queer people know they aren’t straight long before they have sex for the first time. Some people know they’re queer without ever sex because they’re asexual. That doesn’t make their sexuality any less valid!
Making sex act or play about a radical statement is never a good place to start from. Sex and kinky play should come from desire. And not the desire to “prove” your queerness to anyone. Queer can be kinky, but also is an identity that stands alone.
If you’re reading this and you’re feeling unsure what exactly your sexual desires are—that’s totally okay. Desire is fluid and will definitely change throughout your life and sexual partners. Many people who are into kink and BDSM don’t discover that world fully until later in life.
A really fun way to explore what your sexual desires are, is by doing a “yes, no, maybe” worksheet. Most templates have blank space for you to fill in under each column, along with a word bank compiling sexual acts. Everything from making out to choking to daddy play is on the table. I remember the first time I filled out this worksheet for myself. I was sitting in a dark bar with two of my best friends. We slurped down our beers as we giggled through every sexual act, each one of us admitting whether it was a personal yes, no, or maybe.
Sex and sexual play are such a personal and intimate act. Kink or no kink, no one can tell you how you want to experience sex for yourself. It’s a beautiful journey that we all go through in life. I say: let yourself explore without judgment or pressure. You never know what you might discover about yourself and your wondrous body.
Corinne Werder is a writer, sex educator and girl on the move currently residing in Brooklyn, NY. She looks at the world through the lens of a pleasure activist, femme-of-center queer woman. Her background in sex education comes from her volunteer work with RAINN, her work as a sexual assault/domestic violence advocate and she is currently a student at the Institute for Sexuality and Enlightenment.
Have more sex questions? Leave a comment below or email corinne@gomag.com and come back for more every Friday!
