Sex Ed Friday: Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Finger Sex, As Told By A Sex Educator

Talk about a ~versatile~ sex toy.

Happy Friday, my lez sex kittens. Spring has sprung and I’m feeling good. It’s around this time of year that everyone starts getting really flirty and cute — I know you have about five Tinder dates this week alone. And if those dates get hot and heavy, you’re going to want to be confident in your pleasure giving skills. We’ve already covered some of the basics — with strap-onscunnilingus, anilingus, fisting, and scissoring. But what about fingering? It’s such a classic, I actually can’t believe I haven’t covered it before.

With all the fun that toys can bring into our sex lives, it’s easy to forget how incredible our hands and fingers can be for sexual pleasure. They are arguably our best tools when it comes to pleasure. You can do so much with them! Talk about a versatile sex toy. But sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming to know it’s all on you to give your lover pleasure. Here is your complete guide to owning your hot AF fingering skills.

Lube is cute.

I’m not sure why so many folx are adverse to using lube. It’s your best friend during sex! It helps keep things smooth and slippery while you’re f*cking, which can decrease any unwanted friction. Yes, our wonderful bodies create their own natural lube — but sometimes added lube can make all the difference. When you have less friction there’s a reduced chance of micro tears in the vaginal or anal walls, which reduces the chance of sharing STIs.

I personally love Sliquid‘s water based lube, Aloe Cadabra which is made of 95 percent aloe, and Sylk because it’s pH balanced!

Having lube on your bedside table to whip out seamlessly when needed will be helpful to make sure you can enter your partner with smooth confidence.

Build up.

You don’t want to ram your fingers in your partner’s vagina or anus and just start finger banging them. Our bodies take time to warm up to sexual touch and it can be super sexy to slowly build up to a faster pace or a deeper thrust. Take your time; she’s not going anywhere! Build up and find your rhythm — keep it consistent as you edge her to pleasure. And extended foreplay often leads to a more intense orgasm.

It’s also important to remember to gradually build up to using more fingers — check in before adding more. Adding more depth to your fingering by using multiple fingers can feel amazing, but you want to make sure your partner is ready for it. You can simply (and sexily) ask in your own style to add another finger.

Come hither.

If you don’t know, now you know! Making the come hither movement with the fingers inside your partner’s vagina will usually perfectly caress her g-spot and give her immense pleasure. The g-spot can be very sensitive, so you don’t need to go wild with pressure. You’ll know you’ve found her g-spot when you feel a little bean in a patch of flesh (or at least, that’s how I would describe it). This is the erogenous zone on the front wall of the vagina. And you can check in with your partner to see if she wants to harder/faster/slower. Center her pleasure.

Use both hands.

Don’t get me wrong, fingering can be the main course. But if you want your bae to come over and over again, then use your other hand to add in clit or anal stimulation. 75 to 80% of people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Having pleasure from both finger and clit stimulation can lead to an epic orgasm on all fronts. Some people with vulvas can experience vaginal orgasms, and clit stimulation can help prompt this — while for others, fingering might just bring additional pleasure to their clitoral orgasm.

Try different angles and positions. 

Every body is different and every body experiences pleasure in a multitude of ways. Switch up your positions and you’ll find new avenues for pleasure. The vagina is a complex creature and is filled with an exorbitant amount of nerve endings that give endless pleasure. Give yourself time and space to explore all the ways in which you can make your partner come.

Get up close and personal.

Literally look at her body. Take it all in. Watch how she physically responds to your touch and adjust accordingly. You may find that her vulva changes color or her vagina expands with your movements. Listen to her body and learn how to understand her sexual responses. This will give you more information to pull from the next time you get down!

Muffing!

Women come with so many different body types — and your trans women partners deserve to experience pleasurable fingering. Some women have penises and that doesn’t mean she’s not a woman. Queer and lesbian sex is filled with so many possibilities — and learning new ways to f*ck your partner(s) are valuable. In the zine Fucking Trans Women Mira Bellwether details this skill called “muffing.” It’s so important to understand all the ways in which our bodies can navigate sex. In the zine, Bellwether affirms that “just because what’s in my crotch looks like a penis doesn’t necessarily mean that it works like a penis.”

Unlike a vagina or anus, the inguinal canal is enveloped by flesh so it can be more difficult to find. You take your hand and feel upward directly behind their dick. It’s important to start slowly and carefully — lube can also add to pleasure here. The technical term for inverting the scrotum is invagination and it’s hot AF for trans vaginas to experience.

Communicate. 

I will endlessly come back to this in every single one of my sex ed columns. It’s so vital to talk about the sex you’re having. Ask your partner how they like to be fingered — if they like to be fingered. Talk to them afterward about how the experience was for them. Talk about the new things you want to explore with them. Talk about sex, baby.

Remember, babes, the goal of sex isn’t always orgasm (though it’s an added perk) — the goal should be mutual pleasure. Many women have trouble orgasming from digital penetration so know that your body is completely norming if fingering isn’t the be all, end all for you and your partner(s). Treat it like an appetizer or side dish, not the main entree. And know that you aren’t bad at sex if you can’t make your partner(s) cum from digital penetration. You’ve got skills, just listen to her body (talk to her!) and go from there.