10 Things About Being A Lesbian I Totally Wasn’t Prepared For

The nail debate will haunt us all forever.

Lez be real: sometimes being a lesbian is f*cking hard. No, I’m not talking about annoying shit like homophobic hate crimes or blatant discrimination—I’m talking about, like, how the F*CK do I flirt with a girl? How come I can’t find me a Dani Campbell ANYWHERE?

And most pressing of all: HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE REBOOT OF “THE L WORD?” There are so many struggles that I never ever dreamt of! I thought I’d come out, immediately lose 20 pounds, start rocking power suits, have incredible sex, and publish a novel called “Lez Girls.” Was I wrong or what, babe? There are so many things in the lesbian world that no episode of “The L Word,” no Tegan and Sara song, and no Crashpad porn video could’ve prepared me for. Here they are.

Sometimes I can’t find the clit

OKAY, lez just start with the thing every lesbian is too smug to admit: sometimes it is f*cking HARD to find the clit. I thought that being gay would automatically make me a vagina expert, but every vagina is different! Some girls have clitoral hoods, some don’t. Some like direct pressure on the clit, some don’t. But what had me most shooketh upon entering the world of lesbianism is that the clit isn’t always easy to find. I mean, I totally feel men’s pain. If I’m going down on a girl, I know I’m slaying (thank you very much), but leave me to just my fingers, and I’ll have a where’s-the-clit meltdown. If you say this has never happened to you, you’re lying. OR, you’re just gifted. In that case, call me.

I still compare myself to other women

I thought that just because I was attracted to hot girls meant that it would alleviate some of my jealousy and body issues. Sike! It’s only multiplied and complicated them. It’s hell, but if it means I can hook up with sexy girls, it’s worth it.

I can never decide who I’m more attracted to– butches or femmes

Most days I feel like the stereotype of the greedy bisexual, only with butches and femmes (don’t hit me with a gender lecture, this is an ANALOGY). Femmes are just so f*cking sexy. But butches have so much swag. Por que no los dos?

We can be annoying AF

Oh, my GOD, I had no idea what an irritating bunch we lesbians can be! One more pretentious think piece on identity politics and I’m running to the Republican Party.

The nail debate will haunt us all forever

Who knew that the mere mention of nails would send lesbians spiraling into one of the most intense debates of this past century? Before I was mercilessly thrust into the NYC lesbian scene (purr) I dated a bunch of femmes from Long Island. We all had acrylic nails (Long Island girls sacrifice their beauty routine for NO ONE), but we also knew that acrylic nails tend to be way blunter than natural nails and therefore way less risk of tearing the sacred vagina. But now, I want absolutely nothing to hinder me fingering a girl—bye, bye almond shaped acrylics and hello gel manicures. Either way, goodbye bank account.

Where are these ugly unstylish flannel wearing lesbians everyone told me about?

Every lesbian in NYC is hot AF and stylish, which is both good and bad news. The good news is obvious. The bad news is it makes girls even harder to talk to and even easier to compare ourselves to! Which leads me to my next point…

The scene is intimidating…

Oh, my GOD. How terrifying is it to walk into a room of perfect leather jacket clad babes? It can make you feel like you’re wearing Fashion Nova in a room full of All Saints (my life).

But beautiful!

A community really is a beautiful thing. I wasn’t prepared for the enormous built-in family I automatically received upon coming out. And yes, families fight, but at the end of the day they have each other’s backs.

Pride is SO stressful

No one told me that Pride is even more stressful than trying to watch porn in secret on your household computer at 12 years old. I thought it would be fun—and IT IS (obvi)—but crowds and planning give me crippling anxiety.

Being gay is lit

I was worried that being gay would mean my family would disown me and everyone would hate me—JK I’m a narcissist and never worried about these things. And while I recognize that struggling is a v real part of queer experience, it was such a pleasant surprise to learn that LITNESS is the ultimate common LGBTQ uniter. We are, like, the most fun people on earth. We have the best style. Turnt parties. Amazing sex.  I could go on and on—I wasn’t prepared for how much flat-out fun being gay is!

So if you’re thinking about coming out but are afraid, don’t despair, my dear little homo. Yes, there will be hard times, but the good outweighs the bad. Message me, and I’ll take you for a drink at Cubby!


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