An Ode To The Power Lesbian

I LOVE ME A POWER LESBIAN.

I love me a power lesbian. Give me a dyke with authority, and my clothes are coming off. I’m not really picky about specifics—butch or femme, younger or older, thin or curvy—as long as you have authority, you are my type. So I would like to write an ode to the power lesbians of the world: the daddy dykes, the Bettes, the tech queers, the bossy babes, the manager hotties, the lesbian wearing a headset and bossing me around, all of the power dykes out there. This one is for you.

1. Power Suits Are Hot AF

The only thing that makes me drool harder than perfectly charred octopus and fingerling potatoes is a hot dyke in a suit. F*ck me up.

2. Power Lesbians Are Hot AF

I know this is basically the same reason I just mentioned, but it’s worth mentioning again, bitches. Power lesbians are HOT. Power lesbians are SEXY. And this goes way beyond mere looks; it’s an energy, a vibe, a swagger. It actually doesn’t even matter if a power lesbian isn’t “hot” by societal standards. Power lesbians are always, always, always sexy, just because they are power lesbians.

3. I Like to Be Bossed Around 

You see, as an out-of-her-mind, anxious, always-late, dripping-in-spray-tan femme, I need a daddy to corral me. Sure, I can handle myself in a professional setting. (I bring you daily lez content, don’t I?) But put me out in the world, and I just want to be directed and bossed around. That is, if you can handle me talking back.

4. They Wear Headsets

Why? Who are they even talking to? I don’t care.

5. Dinner Is Paid For 

Cheapness makes my vagina dry up. Thankfully, power lesbians never play the ridiculous, “let’s split the bill” thing.

6. They Drink Responsibly

I have always had batshit crazy, manic, party girl friends who transform me into a mom. I’m like Mother Theresa compared to some of the girls who, I’ve decided, are my sisters. (Now we’re older and way more boring.) But in the past, I’ve had to be the goody two shoes, the caretaker, the responsible one (which is low-key terrifying), when in reality, I wanted to be the one drinking with reckless abandon, flashing the bar, and making discreet trips to the bathroom. Having a power lesbian around to drink responsibly and make me feel safe allows me to be the crazy party girl I’ve often kept tame because of my cray-cray friends.

7. They Let Me Call Them Daddy

In the words of Zara Barrie, PURR.

8. They’re Too Busy With Their Careers to Get Into Semantics Wars Over the Internet

I love power lesbians because they don’t care whether you identify as queer, lez, bi, whatever. They actually have other stuff to worry about, like their email inboxes and deadlines. Oh, and not to mention, they are mature enough not to care how anyone personally identifies.

9. They Tell Me I’m Pretty

Which, on my hierarchy of needs, is at the top. And middle. And bottom.

10. Slaying the Patriarchy Is Their Full-Time Job 

Power lesbians usually work in traditionally male-dominated fields, such as business, politics, tech, news media, etc. To have the wherewithal to fight through all the micro-aggressions they experience on a daily basis—plus looking way hotter than their male counterparts? The feminist icons we need.

11. Confidence Is Key 

To get through all of the misogynist stuff they deal with at work, power lesbians need confidence. Luckily, for thirsty AF femmes like me, this confidence also translates into them unabashedly hitting on women, directly asking them out to their faces, and taking them home.

12. Fancy Cheese: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac 

Power dykes like to order fancy cheese plates. I like to eat fancy cheese plates.

13. We Feast on Oysters 

Oysters are the unofficial food of the power lesbian culture. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

14. You Can Spot One in Training

When I met my girlfriend, she had no idea that she could reach full daddy potential. But I could spot it from a mile away. Which is why I will be hosting a daddy-in-training boot camp for anyone interested. In my bedroom.

15. They Do Things Other Than Drink

They go on weekend trips. They go to museums. They visit their families.

16. They Are Worldly and Know About Books, Caviar, and Paris

A very cultured bunch, those power lesbians. What they can learn from me is Lana Del Rey’s entire discography, where to find the best pasta in NYC, and how to reach their full daddy potential.

17. They Know How to Do Taxes

That’s hot.

18. Loafers Turn Me On

LOAFERS ARE SO F*CKING SEXY. Give me polished men’s footwear on sexy power lesbians or give me death.

19. Their Ego Is Significantly Lower Than F*ckboys, But Their Swag Stays the Same

All the sex appeal, none of the immature games.

20. I JUST LOVE THEM!

I really do.

Are you a power lesbian? Let us know in the comments! Or, like, call me.