The Anxious Lesbian’s Guide To Planning Dates With Hot Girls

You can read the vibes when a little ~arm touching~ is appropriate.

Photo by istock

Hello, my name is anxious.

I recently matched with a mega babe on Tinder. Like, I was ~shook~ that we matched. She had long black hair, an hourglass figure, sexy all-black style, and is Sicilian. Okay, so she looks like me, but better. In order to ease my anxiety, I plunged in headfirst and asked her out. I knew if I didn’t I would overanalyze our “hey-what’s-up” conversation and act a fool. I didn’t even say “let’s get drinks,” I said “I’d love to take you out sometime.” (Who TF do I think I am?)

I go on a lot of successful dates, and manage to pawn off like I have social skills for the night. It’s less nervewracking when the other person is the planner (I love you chapstick lesbians) but when it’s my turn to plan and ~show a lady a good time~ I get a little nervous.

She said yes, so now I have to plan this and I’m all stressed about impressing her because odds are I’m gonna be v attracted to her. So what does an anxious lez do?

This is a trusty little guide for your anxious queer self, if you find yourself in the position of having to plan a date for a girl you are dying to make out with. I promise you are way less socially inept than you think.

1. No weekend dates

Weekend dates seem good on paper but they are the enemy for the anxious lez. I don’t know about you, but my anxiety is so lit that I have a panic routine on first dates — what if we don’t recognize each other, what if there aren’t two open seats at the bar, what if I black out and forget her name.

Anxiety is fun!

Anyway, eliminate some of that anxiety by going out on a less crowded day. You won’t have to save an empty seat at the bar and piss someone off, or awkwardly try to insert yourself into an already packed bar. You’ll have plenty of room to sit and ~canoodle~ the music won’t be blaring and you won’t have to push and shove for a drink. Also, this leaves your weekend free for general debauchery with your friends.

2. Pick somewhere dark and sexy

If you want to impress your date, and if you’re wildly attracted to them, you better pull out the stops for a first date spot. Lighting. Ambiance. Wine list. I suggest: Broken Land in Greenpoint, Night of Joy in Williamsburg, or Featherweight in East Williamsburg.

3. Chill the f*ck out

Seriously. A little bit of nerves are cute. Full blown panicking? Is not.

I get it, you think she’s hot as f*ck, but so are you. You’re a bad bitch. You got this.

4. Leave hours to get ready

I take comfort in my beauty routine. When I can’t control how damn nervous I am, I know I can at least control the way my face looks. I like to make a big ritual out of getting ready. I meditate through my long, drawn-out beauty routine.

My confidence is always boosted after I make a big show out of laying out my makeup, listening to Lana Del Rey, and staring at myself in the mirror watching my highlight sparkle. Smudgy black eyeliner and shimmery eyeshadow are my zen. A dewy setting spray is better than Valium. When I finish my masterpiece, I feel ready to slay.

5. Drink enough, but not too much

This. is. key. My grandma loves the Dorothy Parker quote “I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.”

Even though my goal is to be under the host, I still like to limit my drinking. One glass of wine before the date, and I’m Dayna 2.0. Two glasses during the date and I’m perfect — a giggly, cute conversationalist that isn’t overthinking everything I say. But one more glass and I’d be over the edge — going on and on about how one of my boobs is a full cup size bigger than the other or my deepest childhood trauma or something. So, control yourself.

6. Circle through some conversation topics in your head

This is embarrassing and lame but it comes in handy when you’re shook by how hot she is and you suddenly forget words. Remember, you asked her out. Show you know how to take the lead.

7. Touch her arm

Don’t be shy. You can read the vibes when a little ~arm touching~ is appropriate.

8. Honesty

“You’re so sexy, you make me nervous.” Cue giggle and eyelash flutter.

9. Pay the bill

This should be f*cking obvious but just in case it’s not. My dates-should-never-ever-ever-split-the-bill rant coming soon to a theatre near you.

10. Follow up

“I had a great time. I would like to see you again soon!” No emojis. Play it cool.

So there you have it, babes. Calm down and get out there. I *promise* you’ll be okay. You probably make her nervous too because we’re all on this crazy anxiety-filled dating ride together. And remember, she agreed to go out with you! She wants it to be a good date just as much as you do. She probably wants to f*ck you too. It’s gonna be fine.