I came flying out of my mother’s womb a highly sexual woman.
I was the kind of kid who stayed up late and attempted to watch softcore porn through the heavy static of my parents’ TV screen. I instigated my first (real) kiss at eleven. I led controversial conversations about sex in my cabin at summer camp! I showed my friends the hefty stack of Playboy magazines my brother kept hidden beneath his bed. I made out with all of my female friends (to “practice,” obviously) in middle school. I had pictures of Angelina Jolie pouting in black lacy lingerie pasted across the inside of my locker in high school.
I never had to learn how to seduce. For better or for worse, I’ve always intrinsically known how to bestow my innocent victims with sultry stare-downs and a slew of naughty sexual innuendos. I’ve been called a tease since the sixth grade. Some girls lead with their brains. Some girls lead with their looks. Some girls lead with humor.
I lead with my libido.
I’m not saying all this like it’s a “glamorous” or “enviable” quality. In fact, being a highly sexual woman in this puritanical society can be complicated—especially if you grew up with shame around sex. (And let’s be real, what girl hasn’t been shamed over her sexuality?)
But at a certain point, there comes a time to liberate yourself from the painful shackles of societal shame and just let your wildly sexual self soar into the sky and hang out with the stars, girl. We’re always telling highly sensitive women to embrace their feelings, right? Well, I’m here to tell highly sexual women to embrace their sexuality. To honor their carnal nature. To give into their gorgeously erotic tendencies. To make their sexual prowess a part of their lifestyle.
So here are eight lifestyle tips all highly sexual women need to implement into their day-t0-day lives. For our sexuality is an essential part of our creativity. And when that part of ourselves is being stifled, it’s impossible to execute the brilliant, artistic masterpieces that are stewing inside every horny woman.
1. Always pack a toothbrush
Sexual women are obsessed with the following foods: oysters, sashimi, tuna, and salmon. I could literally live off lush pieces of raw fish and can pop oysters into my mouth like normal people (snooze) pop Altoids and anxious people (purr!) pop Xanax. Something about shellfish and the rich Omega-3s in salmon really get me going.
The tricky thing is after I consume these hypersexual foods, I’m fueled with a relentless desire to make out with whoever is in closest proximity to me!
And I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly into fishy kisses. It’s off-putting. It’s rude.
So I always pack a charcoal toothbrush (brush not paste) and Marvis Classic Strong Mint into my faux-fur Sugar Thrillz “Shagadelic” purse. (It’s a very sexual purse. I have it in baby blue and petal pink.) This way, I can kiss whoever the hell I want to kiss, without being self-conscious about my ~vile~ ocean breath.
2. Invest in a vibrator necklace
All women NEED a chic, discreet vibrator necklace. I like the “Vesper Vibrator Necklace” in either rose gold or 14K gold. It’s extraordinarily quiet, looks like a modern slinky piece of jewelry, and is essential for moments of stress. When sexual entities are stressed out, they need a quick orgasm to feel grounded and rooted into the earth again.
Also, you won’t help but feel naughty and coquettish when a real, gold vibrator is dangling between your beautiful tits.
3. Keep dark chocolate in your purse at all times
If you’re in a meeting, and you’re trying to silently bewitch the insatiably hot CEO across the table, stick your hand into your Shagedelic purse and slowly bite into a piece of organic dark chocolate (shop my favorite brand here). Nothing is more seductive than a girl devouring a piece of dark chocolate while holding your gaze.
Dark chocolate is highly sexual: it’s rich, it’s bold, it’s bitter, it’s dark.
Not only that but it’s also scientifically proven to increase the sex drive in women. Chocolate contains serotonin, which calms the mind, and one feels their most sexually liberated when in a relaxed state, you know?
If you’re really feeling sinful, bat your lashes, blinklessly stare at your chosen victim, and sweetly ask; “Want a piece?” Smile bitchily and then purr. “It’s organic.”
4. Get into weightlifting
Ladies, if you’re not into lifting weights, you’re not properly honoring your inner lust-ridden goddess. Strength training causes our testosterone levels to rise far higher up in the sky then mere cardio. And guess what’s responsible for triggering ye ole libido? Testosterone, babe.
So why does an already horny girl need to be rendered even hornier? Meow. I’m glad you asked. I believe that horny girls need to nurture their desires more than their non-horny cohorts. It’s how we tap into the strongest, most divine parts of ourselves. That being said, self-care for us involves amplifying the hormones that make us more connected to our sexual desires.
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Also, lifting weights definitely will make you far better in bed. The stronger you are, the more easily you can toss your sexual partner around in the bedroom, and the easier it is to be on top without pulling your abdomen muscles and getting injured.
5. Get into yoga
Nothing makes you feel more in your body like stretching into some sexy yoga poses. Not only are you often stretching with legs wide open and arching your back more dramatically than an AVN award-winning adult entertainer, but you’re also releasing yourself of the anxiety and pressing fears that get in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship with yourself! Plus, yoga classes are always teeming with women with “vagina first” energy, so maybe you can make some like-minded friends in the process.
And the, uh, increased flexibility one attains from regular yoga practice? That’s just like adding a dollop of whipped cream on an already ~sweet~ birthday cake.
6. Read erotica
When I was in my early teens, I discovered erotica in the very back of a Barnes & Noble megastore in my bleak, boring hometown of Westport, Connecticut. I spent an entire eight-hour day curled up in a corner of the bookstore as I had spontaneous orgasm and after spontaneous orgasm (without touching myself).
Then I discovered porn, which in comparison to erotica wasn’t nearly as gratifying.
Look, I get the occasional urge to watch pornography. But I believe that porn can truly kill a girl’s beautiful imagination. When we read erotica, we are free to fantasize! We can fill in the blanks by dreaming up the imagery!
And fantasy is always better than reality, anyway. So head over to Amazon or your locally owned feminist sex shop and buy yourself some sexy erotica, babe. (My favorite is a lesbian fetish erotica series from the early ’90s called “Faster Pussycats.” I bought it in Provincetown when I was sixteen and it made me a lesbian.)
Feel free to share your favorite erotica with me via Facebook messenger! I’m always looking to increase my erotica collection. I keep them on display on my bookshelf in order to scare the sexless homophobes away. Or better yet, to inspire them to stop being so ashamed and give in to their very natural primal desires. I’m so selfless. It’s exhausting yet satisfying. Like sex.
7. Wear lots of black and lots of red
Nothing is sexier than a woman adorned in black with tiny hints of red. Here’s why:
Black: bad, slinky, nighttime, gothic, luscious, unapologetic, intimidating.
Red: sexy, feminine, powerful, blood, heart, seductress, unapologetic, intimidating.
These are the emotions a highly sexual woman wants to possess, and nothing, nothing expresses raw sexuality like the colors of black and red. I like to wear sheer black lace and a fire-engine red lip with oxblood colored nails. But that’s just me.
8. Chew on ice
Chewing on ice always makes my nipples hard! I’m not sure why it just… does. Something about the cold, crunching sensation inside my warm mouth just makes my nipples so suddenly sharp they could cut through glass. And when my nipples are aroused and awake, I’m aroused and awake. Which is the place, I, like to live in.
What are your sexy lifestyle tips? Message me or comment below if you’re openly slutty like yours truly! Have a sexy day.