First things first, I’m a Pisces. As such, we are the DREAM QUEENS of the zodiac. When it comes to projecting our deepest infatuations and delusions onto our prospective paramours, we are unmatched and unparalleled. So, when I met the date of my life (let’s call her Guinevere) in a creative writing course I was taking at my university (she was the T.A.), I immediately did what any Pisces would do and began to imagine us cuddling by a fireplace while honeymooning in the Swiss Alps. Since we were both artists (poets, of course), I imagined us as titans of industry and culture, taking a much needed holiday together from being constantly hounded by our many adoring fans. In my fantasy, we’d lounge in each other’s company and luxuriate in life’s more simplistic miracles like room service, Netflix.com, and the advent of “chill.” As mutually sophisticated and well rounded celesbians, I fantasized that we’d have various sapphic memorabilia and priceless queer artifacts strung about our sprawling hotel penthouse and that we’d be so inextricably linked to each other through our queerness and our love that we would finish each other’s “L Word” quotes, saying all the things Bette ever said to Tina to each other in real life.
But as a Pisces, I found that after a semester of classes with Guinevere, it had become impossible for me to drum up the courage to reveal to her that I was, in fact, planning our extravagant gay wedding in my mind and picking out baby names. Instead, I just sort of wallflowered. Every time I saw Guinevere in the hallways or if we’d run into each other at a reading or a queer party, I would clam up and lose the ability to form words. I’m not proud to say that this went on for about a year and a half. I was like Martha Dobbie in “The Children’s Hour,” completely incapable of revealing to Karen Wright that I was secretly in love with her since forever.
But I’d recently started playing “The Sims” and it was making me realize how important it can be to reach out to those we love in the fleeting moments of opportunity. After one of my Sims died prematurely from loneliness (literally), I decided I had to act. I had gone on waiting for long enough. I mean, lesbians live their lives in dog years — time was truly of the essence and it was slipping away. If I was going to end up being Guinevere’s girlfriend before we were both dead I had to say something to her, at least within the next couple of decades. By that logic, I figured sooner was probably better than later. So, as a master of all things fantasy, the next time I saw her at a reading, I got completely drunk and told her that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever known and that I really wanted us to go on a date.
She just smiled her million dollar smile and said, “You’re so cute…and direct …and weird,” and then, she said she’d “love to.”
I died.
Then, I ran away, collecting her number and calling myself a Lyft. Once I’d calmed down I decided to text her:
“Hey” with this gif:
Then, “Do you want to watch ‘The L Word‘ with me on Saturday?”
To which she replied, “Sounds fun” with a heart emoji!
I died again. It went on like that for 30 minutes. I learned that she’d magically managed to have never watched the show. She also said she’d “heard bad things” about the show. But being the amiable and abiding (not to mention flirtatious) Libra that she was, she said she’d “love to see it through my eyes.” Little did she know, I had the entire show memorized and had made it my life’s work to fan out about it every single day.
That Saturday around 7 p.m. she rang my buzzer and my heart felt like it was going to jump up my throat, fall out of my mouth, and land in my hands. But, instead, I decided to open the door and let her into my apartment. It was a better look. We were off to a great start. I’d maybe gone a little overboard on the meal out of nervousness and accidentally made a rack of lamb with roasted tomatoes and squash mashed potatoes with lavender and rose sugar cookies for dessert.
We grabbed our plates and sat down in front of the tv to watch the show. I was practically shaking as I pretended to be casual and ask her if she had a preference for which episode she might want to watch. She was, of course, down for anything. Not good. I, being the weirdest lesbian on “The Planet” Earth, decided to watch my penultimate favorite episode of the entire series, Season 3 – Episode 1 (Labia Majora. It’s the episode where Alice gets into a car chase with Dana and the whole episode is VAGINA THEMED). Plus, I am a mega-fan so I completely lost myself in the show and found that half-way through Guinevere tapped me on the back and said that I’d been mumbling all the dialogue under my breath the whole time. Apparently, “The L Word” makes me categorically insane.
After the show, I asked her what she thought and she said she thought I looked cute watching it but that she was mostly just confused about who was dating who the whole time. In a rare moment of lucidity and cool I replied, “Oh, that never gets clarified.” AND SHE LAUGHED! AT SOMETHING I SAID!
What happened next was kind of cinematic and amazing. I still can’t believe it happened like this and I definitely didn’t know what to do with myself, but she turned and kissed me. On the mouth. I actually thought, “Omg, did she just kiss me?” It was like a dream. A dream about a really good kisser. Then she said, “Thanks for inviting me over and showing me your favorite show.” I didn’t respond. I just laughed like a weirdo and actually said, “Cool, wanna watch another episode?”
The rest of the night was quite incredible, with a lot of making out in between watching the show. It couldn’t have gone better and I can’t believe I haven’t done this with my dates sooner. I think the moral of the story here is that although not all lesbians might like “The L Word,” much like a bird call, it does seem to help create the kinds of conditions needed to have a really excellent cuffing season. I mean, I’m not going to say the date went well just because we watched “The L Word,” but, it did seem to be a definite ice breaker. And with my temperament, I doubt I would have been able to break the ice myself. So next time you’re feeling shy, you might want to invite your next date over for an “L Word” and Chill session. It certainly worked for me, a complete lesbian dork.
What Do You Think?