“Babe we’re so late, we’re going to miss the ferry!” I yelped, as I fished inside my filthy vintage Chanel bag for cash. “SHIT. I don’t have cash for the ferry, either!”
“Gah, babe! That was the one thing you were supposed to do,” my girlfriend moaned, dramatically switching lanes, flipping off the other cars.
“It’s your fault we’re late! You couldn’t find your driver’s license! Who loses their drivers license?”
She slammed on the horn. “You lost yours last week! You left it behind that bar in the East Village, and never picked it up, which is why you’re using your passport as an ID! Who uses their passport as a form of ID!”
After a panic-stricken car ride, we finally arrived in Sayville, Long Island where the ferry takes off. As we haphazardly pulled up to the dock, I noticed a fleet of sensible-looking lesbians calmly sipping on ice-cold beers peacefully awaiting the arrival of the boat. Their suitcases were perfectly organized and neatly beside them. They had what appeared to be a healthy bag of groceries civilly placed in a cooler that was—no joke—on wheels. They were wearing clothes they could move in: loose-fitting shorts and sneakers.
Meanwhile, my girlfriend and I were a hot mess. I was wearing brand new platform sandals that were cutting into my toes so savagely I could hardly walk. My tube top kept slithering down my chest, so every couple of steps I had to stop, drop my giant tote bag to the ground, and pull up my top. My girlfriend was sweating and angry in her leather jacket. (Who the wears leather in the summer? Oh, I forgot. We do.) She had to go to the bathroom. I was screaming that we didn’t have time for her to go to the bathroom, the f*cking FERRY was about to leave, and the next one wasn’t coming back for two hours. She screamed back at me. I looked at the relaxed lesbians who were smugly sipping their beers, watching us unravel with sympathetic eyes. One even offered to help.
That’s when it hit me.
I was missing an essential lesbian gene. So was my girlfriend. The “efficient” gene.
So many lesbians are so wildly together, so incredibly organized and on time, that you can’t help but feel safe around them. At that moment, I dropped down to my proverbial knees and prayed to the Indigo Girls that one day, I too could be an high-functioning lesbian who makes it to the ferry early enough to enjoy a crisp beer on the dock. (I don’t drink beer, but whatever.)
In honor of these glorious creatures, I decided to do a roundup of all the different breeds of responsible dykes. For they keep unhinged lezzies, like me, alive (not an exaggeration).
1. Headset lesbians
Headset lesbians are magical creatures. Whether they work in the theatre, volunteer at the local gay pride parade, run security at concerts, or are captains of award-winning catering teams, you can always find them pacing around aggressively whispering orders into a headset. Sometimes they come across as harsh, and they’re often sticklers about “the rules,” but they keep everything running as smooth as velvet. They ensure you don’t trip over those random orange cones scattered about street fairs; they keep the tech in check during the grand Broadway play and ensure Ariana Grande is safe from crazy fans when she’s belting “Thank U, Next” on the Today show.
They have a natural authority about them, and that’s such a turn-on.
2. Dog-walking lesbians
A professional dog-walking lesbian is one of the most trustworthy lesbians you’ll ever meet. You know your precious little angel fur baby will be more than safe when in the care of a dog-walking dyke. You know they’ll march your pup down the street with a military grade leash, will study their poop and give you a full, detailed report on what they believe is wrong with their digestive systems, and they’ll even train your dog while they’re at it!
I sent my dog to a lesbian dog-walker twice, and he came back speaking fluent Mandarin.
3. Lesbians in uniform
I love a lesbian in uniform. Purr. When I go to a gay bar and there is a fierce, no-nonsense lezzie checking IDs at the bar, I feel so protected. So safe. So loved.
When I see a lesbian cop with a tightly pulled back ponytail and aviators strapped to her face, I’m filled with a burning desire to commit a crime, just so they can ~arrest~ me. Lesbian firefighter? I dare you to put out these fiery flames, MEOW!
The great part about being friends with lesbians in uniform is that even when the uniform is off, they can’t help but take charge of the situation. No one will ever mess with you if you have a lesbian in uniform hanging around you. Even if she’s not wearing it. It’s an energy, babe.
4. Finance lesbians
Lesbians who crush it in finance are bad bitches. They’re wickedly smart and wildly unafraid of competition. They somehow manage to crush 18-hour work days and still look chic in their perfectly pressed power suits.
Also, no one can hold their liquor like a finance lesbian. No one.
5. Fitness lesbians
Fitness lesbians are early risers. They’re up and ready to slay at the gym by 4:30 a.m. They have their shit together. They spend their Sundays diligently meal-prepping, they count their macros and lift alarmingly heavy weights even when they’re hungover! They don’t let princesses like me get away with being bratty or lazy—they’ll whoop my spoiled ass into shape regardless of “how tired” I am and aren’t fooled by eyelash batting or mascara tears.
Whether you’re a lesbian gym teacher in a high school coaching the teenage softball players or a lesbian personal trainer with a shit-ton of Instagram followers, I just want you to know that you’re amazing. You make the rest of us feel shitty about our bodies, our diets, and our lives, but you’re still amazing.
NOW GET UP AND RUN, BITCH!
6. Handy lesbians
Some dykes just came stumbling out of their mother’s wombs with the intrinsic ability to swing a hammer correctly. No one ever taught them how to unclog a toilet, their skills were innate. They’re akin to wild animals born with the instinct to migrate during specific seasons, only their instincts lie in all things handy. Laptop won’t work? Don’t worry, the handy lesbian is here to fix it. Your refrigerator is running? Have no fear, the handy lesbian will catch it in no time! Your life is falling into a million little pieces? Don’t worry, the handy lesbian is at your door, with a broom in hand, ready to sweep up the pieces and put you back together.
They really should have a service for this kind of lesbian, for everyone needs a handy lesbian sometimes. 1-800-dial-a-dyke. Who wants to invest?
7. Bartending lesbians
Lesbian bartenders are the great multitaskers of this cruel, cold world. They’re charming and naturally sexy, and they refuse to accept bullshit. They will not hesitate to toss you out of the bar if you’re being rude or overly rowdy. They will never, ever, screw up your drink order. They wear their keys on their belt loop and always sport thick-soled boots like Dr. Martens to ensure they don’t get spider veins from all that standing. They have swag.
They’re also usually really good in bed.
8. Activist lesbians
If it weren’t for the activist lesbians, we wouldn’t have gay rights. At all. Who do you think organizes the marches? Who do you think rounds up the masses and drives bus-loads of protestors to Washington, DC? Who shows up with signs and posters to rally, even when it’s freezing and raining outside? Who leads every goddamn social movement in this country?
Activist lesbians. Without them, we’re nothing. So worship these fierce forces and join their honorable crusade.
9. The camp counselor lesbian
The lesbian camp counselor was always the most dynamic camp counselor at summer camp. She led groups of teen girls on empowering hikes through beautiful mountains. She protected you from being mauled by wild bears on that camping trip. She taught you how to play hockey. She introduced you to iconic musicians like the Indigo Girls and Ani Difranco. She made sure no one cheated during color war.
And no matter how hard you TRIED to get her attention because you were wildly attracted to her, she never got creepy with you. For the camp, counselor lesbian is full of integrity and never crosses any lines. She’s sturdy, strong, responsible and totally rocks the whole hiking boots with shorts look.
10. The caretaking lesbian who tends to the drunks
There is always that *one* lesbian who remains relatively sober and makes it her civic duty to look after her slew of wasted friends. She ensures they get into legal taxis when their friends start stumbling, they keep track of everyone’s credit cards and will kick anyone’s ass who dares to mock their drunken, foolish friends.
We owe our lives to the caretaking lesbian who puts up with our wasted antics. I beg of you reckless drunk lesbians, respect your local caretaker. Take her out for a night on the town, and stay sober and take care of her for once. She deserves it! Buy her goddamn dinner!
She’s the most real friend you’ll ever have.