Meet the 8 classic lesbians, you’ll always find at the lesbian bar!
Every single day of my life (even when the traffic sucks and the bagels are stale and the lines are long) I remind myself how blessed I am to live in New York City. The city that energetically teems with a fabulous, glittery ~queer~ energy.
Not only do we have fabulous, glittery queer energy, in New York — but we’re also one of the few towns left on the map, that still boasts real live lesbian bars (that open their arms to the entire queer community, might I add).
And not only do we have lesbian bars, but we also have a plethora of weekly lesbian parties (purr). And not only do we have a plethora of weekly lesbian parties, but we also boast chic lesbian culinary nights and meet-ups and exclusive invite-only get-togethers! We have book clubs and sports leagues and even a dyke knitting circle.
And in this specific article let’s direct our focus toward the ole’ fashioned dyke bars we’re so lucky to still have.
And if you live in a town that doesn’t have a dyke bar, I want you to pretend I’m talking about dyke night at the gay-boy bar. Or just that little dive bar tucked beneath the vegan grocery store that happens to have a lot of lesbians in residence at all times. Or queer babes in general, because when I say “lesbian bar” what I really mean, is any place where queers and dykes gather that also happens to serve booze (booze is like New York in Sex & The City. It’s its own character at the dyke bar).
And in this piece, my intention is to pay a beautiful homage, to all the fabulous lesbians you’ll always find at your local lesbian yocal.
The salt & pepper dyke with the answers.
Now, this particular lesbian, might not have salt and pepper hair, but she definitely has salt and pepper energy. Which in my very subjective opinion, means wise, gentle and not to be messed with.
The salt & pepper dyke is the woman sitting front and center at the lesbian bar, sipping a whiskey, letting all the baby dykes flock to her. (She rarely moves from her seat. She doesn’t have to). The baby dykes listen dutifully to the salt and pepper lesbian’s incredible recounting of New York City’s colorful and dynamic queer history. In great detail, she’ll tell you all about the bars she’d frequent back in the day, and all the kind of trouble she once stirred up as she caroused Christopher Street with her wolf-pack of activist leather dykes.
Not only does the salt & pepper dyke serve as our local lesbian historian, but she also serves as a matriarchal figure to our community at large (gay boys included). She tells us when we’ve been partying too hard, she calls rehab centers on our behalf, she lets us know when it’s time to break up with the bitch that’s been stomping over emotions for the past year. She tells us when it’s time to go home.
The salt & pepper dyke is a staple in the lesbian nightlife community. She serves as our oracle, for she holds all the answers within her flannel-clad chest. In a way, she’s a key-holder of the truth. Not just the truth in dyke land, in the real world too. We always want to hear her take on politics and current events and pop culture too.
The queen of the queer party scene.
You can’t step into the local lesbian bar without the reigning queen of the queer party scene holding court somewhere in the back of the bar, a posse of hot and sprightly twenty-somethings buzzing around her like they’re fruit flies and she’s a giant glass of sweet white wine.
The queen of the queer party scene loves frequenting the lesbian bar during weeknights when they aren’t giant, warehouse parties in deep in rural Brooklyn to attend. During the weekend she pre-games at the lesbian bar before her giant, warehouse party even if the lesbian bar is far from the rural Brooklyn venue.
Sometimes she finds cool girls at the lesbian bar from out of town and takes them under her lesbian wing and escorts them to all the cool queer parties that scatter across all five boroughs of our city and hooks up with them too!
The local lesbian mayor.
The local lesbian mayor is the lesbian who has her finger deep inside the pie of our local politics. Whenever a big, gay national tragedy happens she often appears on CNN and speaks on behalf of how her community feels. She runs a non-profit and sits on the board of all the bougie black-tie gay fundraising events in New York. Famous people follow her on social media and she has a lot of clout.
Because she practices what she preaches, the local lesbian mayor is sure to attend the lesbian bar a couple of times a week, so that she can be fully immersed in the community she so fiercely represents. She clutches her tequila and soda water as she soulfully listens to all of our concerns and takes note.
If we run into her outside of the gay bar, like say at a dinner we know no one at, we cling to her, for we are always safe under the local lesbian mayor’s tutelage.
The local lesbian mayor represents us outside of the bar, so it’s a good thing she likes to drink and can be found inside of the bar two to three nights a week.
But hey, babe. All that politicking is stressful. Who can blame her for needing a nice cocktail to take the edge of this harsh world?
The local lesbian mayor in training.
The local lesbian mayor-in-training is just like the local lesbian mayor only she’s younger and hasn’t earned her seat at the Whitehouse correspondents dinner quite yet.
But she’s getting a great education inside the local lesbian bar, listening to all of us drone on about our in-community issues. She’s extremely diplomatic and does whatever she can to befriend everyone (after all; she’s going to need your vote when she runs for the Mayor of West Village in 2028!). She swings a little more radically to the left than her predecessor (the lesbian mayor) and is a bit more aggressive when it comes to the art of the Facebook debate.
She’s a top in the lesbian bar, but ~definitely~ a bottom between the sheets.
The recently heartbroken.
Unlike some of the other lesbians we’ve been discussing, this recently heartbroken lesbian is an ever-changing character. She spans across all scenes and styles, for heartbreak does not discriminate.
In fact, we’ve all been this lesbian before.
She’s usually not been out for a while because she was consumed in a codependent partnership with a reclusive dyke for years. All of a sudden the rug has been pulled out from underneath her, and she has found herself single for the first time in what feels like forever!
She’s alienated most of her friends and expelled so much of her energy into her former partner, she hardly knows who she even is anymore. But then she remembered how much she used to love her local lesbian bar, and decides to venture back.
The freshly heartbroken lesbian is delighted to find that the lesbian bar (unlike some of her friends) is happy to welcome her in with open arms. She often gets complimentary shots from the empathetic lesbian bartender and can be found drinking into the wee hours of the morning regardless of her age or job responsibilities.
Sometimes she cries into her cocktail, other times she feels elated to be out in the scene again. She’s usually flying solo so she’s constantly meeting new people and the lesbian bar feels like her new home. She treats it like home too. She’s comfortable weeping, yelling, and falling asleep at the lesbian bar, but that’s okay. We’re happy to house the heartbroken lesbian for as long as she needs. Because it’s only a matter of time before she gets back with her ex or falls in love with someone new. Romantics like her never stay single long.
The bitter lesbian who detests everyone until she’s downed six drinks.
If you walk into a lesbian bar, anywhere in the world, you’ll find a frowning dyke sitting right up front, throwing everyone dirty looks. She’s usually a boomer, but not always. She can’t stand how blatantly disrespectful all these “young kids” are, and expects to be (rightfully) worshipped for all the hard work she put in during her youth, so the current generation can enjoy the rights they goddamn have! She doesn’t have social media and thinks (rightfully) that millennials are communication idiots who don’t know how to interact in REAL LIFE. She sends her drinks back if they’re not strong enough and will snap at you if you accidentally catch the bartender’s attention first, because you know, she was THERE FIRST. AND SHE MEANS THAT LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY, KID.
But after about six cocktails the bitter lesbian dramatically softens. After all, she wouldn’t be at the lesbian bar night after night, if she didn’t secretly have a deep affection for the community. She’s just been through a lot, and life pushed her to throw her guard up.
But when the influx of liquor cracks open those steel prison bars, you’ll find that the bitter dyke actually has a heart of gold. She’s always the first to help you find an apartment or help you work through your manic depression (she suffers from it too). Everyone always develops an unlikely friendship with her, which is why we take her pre-booze coldness with a giant grain of pink Himalayan salt. For we know in about four more cocktails the ice will melt and she’ll be our number one fan.
(Oh. And she’s definitely a top. At the bar and in the sheets.)
The recent college graduate who tells everyone how privileged they are, after graduating from $55,000 a year liberal arts school.
Just like there is always a bitter dyke and a lesbian mayor and a fierce party girl, there is always a recent college grad at the dyke bar. But you can’t call our favorite booze-slinging institution a “dyke bar” in front of her, because the word “dyke” doesn’t resonate with her spirit, and she hasn’t figured out that the world doesn’t revolve around her yet. If you try to tell her in this context “dyke” is a mere euphemism and can mean whatever you want it to mean, get ready to have a lot of jargon thrown your way.
The recent college graduate loves to go on and on about everything she learned in her gender studies class, but really this is the first queer place she’s ever been to, outside the campus.
Often the recent college grad and the bitter dyke interlock horns, but by the end of the night, they’re usually the last standing and deeply bonded to one another. For beneath the jargon and beneath the bitterness lies a deep-rooted love for their community. And eventually, when they stop judging each other (nine beers usually does the job!) they learn a great deal from one another.
The hot dyke up to no good.
The hot dyke up to no good is a lesbian bar classic. She’s a player, but she’s so swaggy and sexy that none of us care that she swooped in and snatched our crush out from under our eyes last weekend.
We always vow to not fall victim to her hot prowess, but we always fail and end up going home with her. She’s terrific in bed. Sometimes after we’ve had sex with her, she’s cold to us in the lesbian bar, because she doesn’t want to give us “the wrong impression” that she’s like looking for something deeper.
But what the hot dyke up to no good doesn’t understand is this; we’re horny too. And we don’t want anything deeper with her either! After all, she’s had sex with every single one of our friends, which keeps her in the friend zone for life.
She’s a little cocky but that’s okay. Because when you’re a hot lesbian up to no good, you can get away with things like flaunting your inflated ego. Because when you have bedroom eyes and can make a girl orgasm without even touching her, the masses go easy on you.
Yes, it’s unfair that the rest of us can’t get away with half the shit she can. But hey, babe. Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.