Greetings, gays. We need to talk. There is an epidemic of exhaustion in our community and I totally get it, but I’m not here for the whole let’s-skip-Pride thing. OH HELL NO. Just cause you’re a veteran gay does not mean your attendance is not mandatory at the BIGGEST GAY PARTY EVER.
I met my gay BFF, Arran, for martinis the other night and I couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth (and it takes a lot for him to shock me, honey.)
“I’m just over Pride,” he dramatically tossed back his drink so hard I thought his neck would snap, “unless I can watch it from a rich guy’s balcony,” he reconsidered.
I blinked at him. What. This is the same boy that rocks a leather harness and banana hammock every year, that gets the baby gays to come out of their shells by dancing with them, that is the loudest, proudest, most glittery gay anywhere he goes. That has been my beard at family dinners, that has come with me to lesbian nights before I had any lesbian friends, that is always the life of the party. How could he not go to Pride? It was blasphemy.
“I’m just exhausted,” he continued, popping green olives off of the toothpick and into his mouth, “it’s too hot, it’s too loud. I’ve done it all before.”
I was close to flipping the table, Tina from “The L Word” style. But instead I tossed back the rest of my drink as dramatically as he did, and sat with my thoughts. Had I fallen victim to this bitterness, too? I mean, I have been feeling burned out and bitter. So burned out and bitter than the only thing I could POSSIBLY think of to cure myself, was the biggest, happiest gay party of the year.
“You’re going,” I simply said to Arran. And somehow, instinctually, he knew he needed to.
If you’re like Arran, a veteran gay, you’re gonna drag your queer little self to Pride, and you’re going to love it. Not just cause I said so, but because of the following 15 (very good) reasons.
1. IT’S FUN AF.
Okay, I get it, you’re a veteran gay. You’ve been around the block. Maybe you’re “over Pride.” But you can’t deny that it is FUN. Sure, it’s exhausting, dehydrating, and logistically impossible to plan. But it’s also MAGICAL, exuberant, and turnt AF. Don’t be such a grumpy Gus that you miss the most fun party of the year surrounded by your queer fam.
2. Honor your history.
I’m not calling you a bad queer if you skip Pride but like… you’re a bad queer if you skip Pride. The rally at Stonewall was the catalyst for all the freedoms we enjoy today. You can put up with scorching heat, holding your pee, and screaming straight people covered in glitter to honor your queer and trans brothers and sisters that put their lives on the line to fight for LGBTQ+ existence.
3. Stop being bitter, babe.
You’re bitter and burned out. Look, I get it. I’m only 24 years old and I am one extremely burned out lesbian. But here’s the thing about fun shit that bitter people avoid: it’s the only way to cure your bitterness. Five minutes surrounded by firm gay man butts, slaying drag queens, and billowing rainbow flags will melt your icy queer heart.
4. You might have ~the sex~.
I mean, why else does anyone really go to Pride? Just kidding, OBVIOUSLY. But if you’re looking to get laid, get over yourself and get your cute gay ass to Pride.
5. You can dress like a festival bitch.
Not that Lana is a festival bitch, but you can totes rock a flower crown. You don’t need an excuse to be extra AF, and us gays are excellent at being our fabulous, glittering selves at many occasions, but Pride is even more of a reason to dress however you want. Rainbow pasties? Sure. G string? Sure. Assless chaps? SURE.
6. Show the baby gays the way.
It’s your duty to show up to Pride and teach the baby queers to come correct and not get too plastered. It’s your giving-back-to-the-community to help the crying Long Island lez who just fought with her girlfriend (if you haven’t seen this situation play out time and time again, have you ever even been to Pride?) find her way to the subway.
7. PARTY OVER HERE, PARTY OVER THERE.
I don’t care if you think you’ve seen it all. There is always a new party.
8. It’s not summer until you’ve kicked it off scream singing Madonna with your fellow queers.
It’s tradition for a reason. Your whole summer will be CURSED if you don’t go to Pride. Pass it on.
9. You can buy cute shit.
You need a shirt that says “Let There Be Lesbians.” You need a hat that says “Make America Gay Again.” You need a rainbow flower crown. Support your local queer businesses by buying cute gay stuff.
10. Take shots with your best gays.
There is no more excited and happy force on earth than a queer squad boozing it up at a West Village bar during Pride.
11. The energy is infectious!!!
12. It’s your veteran gay duty to keep the tradition going.
Tradition is sacred. LGBTQ+ culture is sacred. Our community is sacred. Honor that.
13. You’re totes going to have FOMO.
If you don’t go, you’re going to see all the happy gays on Insta and get lowkey jealous. Speaking of Insta, if you don’t go, you’re not going to get a quintessential Pride picture, and I know you want one, no matter how much of a veteran you are.
14. You’re becoming a killjoy.
Sorry to break it to you, babe, but someone’s got to tell you. Gays that act like they’re too cool for Pride are kind of whack, and no fun. Loosen up a bit.
It’s worth the 27 showers it’ll last for, promise.