25 Signs You’re A Burned Out Lesbian

You start sentences with “back in my day…”

It’s taken me about 48 hours to write this simple listicle, you guys. So clearly, I am burned out. Which I believe, makes me an expert at letting you know the 25 surefire signs that you are burned out, too.

In fact, I’m so burned out that I’m not even going to write a 250-word intro, because I figure you’re too burned out to read it anyway!

Is it just me, or does it seem like everyone is collectively over the bullshit of everyday life? And being “over the bullshit” is only magnified when you add in the whole gay thing. Because even though being gay is overall lit as f*ck, there’s a whole special set of very unique burn-outs that comes with this “lifestyle.”

Here are 25 signs you need a vacation, my dear lez.

1. Your last Google search looks something like this

Whenever I open up my Safari app, my last search is either porn, shoes or me trying to get to the bottom of why I’m so mentally unstable.

2. Your own community annoys you

You are literally SO OVER reading essays on why stuff is problematic. You are so over the war between “lesbian” and “queer.” At this point, your response to people asking you how you identify is, “call me anything just don’t call me late for dinner.” (I got that saying from my mom and it has never applied to anything so accurately.)

You’re just tired of the community fighting and it’s making you a bitter bitch.

3. You’re over going out

You mean I have to subway all the way to the ass end of BK for a queer party? A party that doesn’t start till 1 AM? When I could just lie in bed and express re-order sushi and watch the same episodes of “Sex And The City” I’ve seen a thousand times? Why?

4. Being asked to do anything at work pisses you off

Rude. Via @sbstryker on twitter

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Even if you love your job (I do!) having to work can feel like a tragic inconvenience to your pathetic life.

5. You feel jealous of the straights and their seemingly simple lives

They just have it so easy, don’t they? It seems like all they have to do is play with their golden retrievers and Instagram the Michael Kors watches they exchanged for their anniversaries. Being basic just seems so stress-free, you know?

6. You consider becoming butch to stop wasting money and time on your beauty routine

But then you change your mind because tanning and eyelashes are the only things that bring you joy in this bleak world.

7. Strap-on sex is hot, but it’s too much work

Using the strap on would be so hot right now, you think. But then I have to get up, put it on, and like, thrust. And thrusting is a lot of work.

8. Your seamless account starts sending you email coupons

And you fall for the “since you ordered lunch, here’s $10 off dinner” one every time.

9. Pride seems like a whole lotta work instead of a whole lotta fun

You need to drink to get through it but day drinking makes you tired and the sun is just so hot and all the baby gays are screaming and your feet hurt.

10. You can’t stay up passed 10 PM

And the thought of even starting a movie past 8 PM seems unfathomable.

11. You love your girlfriend, but she irritates you

Your patience is thin with everyone, even the person you love. Especially with the person you love.

12. Your response to literally everything is “same”

Photo by me.me.com

Subway is delayed again? Same. You broke your heel on the sidewalk? Same. That matcha latte cost $10? Same.

13. You fantasize about what it would be like to be in a mental ward

Is that too dark? Oh well, because it’s how I feel right now, lezzies. I remember reading “Girl, Interrupted” in college and identifying so much with the chapter where Susanna Kaysen talks about how free she felt in the mental ward because she had no responsibilities.

14. You fantasize about being in rehab

Again, super dark, but at least it’d be a break from public transportation and work!

15. You shop to fill your emotional voids

I can’t pay my rent! I whine as I place another pair of platform boots into my Dolls Kill shopping cart.

16. You can’t keep up with all the identities

Demisexual? Aromantic? I feel old.

17. You stare into space for at least an hour, right into your towel every time you get out of the shower

It’s the only peaceful moment you get, no matter how late it makes you.

18. You start sentences with “back in my day”

Back in my day, the LES wasn’t full of frat boys.

19. You think these privileged kids just don’t understand the true gay experience

Even though you’re in your early 20s….

20. You turn the other way when you see someone you know

I will straight up army crawl through the supermarket to avoid people. Just kidding! I’m too burned out to grocery shop.

21. You find yourself in internet rabbit holes

Porn rabbit holes. Web MD rabbit holes. Instagram rabbit holes. Amazon rabbit holes.

22. You take your anger out on people who don’t deserve it

23. You hate your apartment

I figuratively plot my neighbors’ deaths when I lie in bed at night and my wall is vibrating with shitty house music and cigarette fumes are leaking through the window.

24. You KNOW you’re a burned out lesbian when you start judging other peoples’ queerness

Truthfully: I’m actually really over straight cis couples ID-ing as queer just cause they dress cool.

25. No matter how much you sleep, you’re still tired

I woke up like this. (Dead inside.)

So, you’re a miserable, bitter, sleepy dyke.

Me too, babe. But don’t despair, my dear queer. Summer is coming. The birds are chirping. Lesbians are gathering at the classic summer watering holes. Hope is in the air. A rebirth, if you will. So cancel that PR event you have to go to tonight (you don’t really want to go anyway) and get a full night’s sleep. Maybe you’ll wake up feeling less evil and drained. And if not, lez do a spa day?