I’m well aware that every single lesbian, bisexual, queer, curious, lez-hagging lady KNOWS that The L Word reboot is officially happening. In fact, it’s been such wide-sweeping internet gossip that it’s not only LGBTQ outlets typing out essays about the good ole’ Lezzie Word—but hetero ones too.
The first few days I was so overwhelmed by all the L Word content sifting around the world wide web, my head was spinning.
“I want to audition for the lead role!” The failed actress inside of me screamed, already feeling bitter that she hadn’t been asked to audition (though the only actress credits to my name are playing a deranged cheerleader in made for TV movie and a slew of small, slutty, roles in weird indie movies that went straight to DVD).
“I WANT TO BE A WRITER ON THE SHOW!” The entitled millennial inside of me demanded, pissed off she hadn’t been offered the gig already (even though I’ve never even interned for as a screenwriter and have never even attempted to write a spec script).
“I HOPE THEY BRING BACK BETTE!” The 18-year-old closet-case inside of me wailed, tears of desperation streaming down her puffy face, as I suddenly remembered my decade-long, unshakeable crush on power lesbian, Bette Porter.
Eventually, the (questionably) wise 31-year-old I that am, kicked out my inner failed actress and entitled wannabe screenwriter and just embraced my younger-self. The harmless, 18-year-old baby dyke who lay awake at night, writhing around in her bed sheets, lusting after that hottie Bette.
“Who was your biggest L Word crush?” I asked a friend just yesterday.
“DUH, HELENA PEABODY!” She roared, turning visibly red, instantly hot and bothered by naughty thoughts of Helena.
“Not, Bette?” I cried, appalled anyone could love anyone on the show besides my beautiful Bette.
“No, that’s just you, babes.” My friend purred, her face now flushed bright pink with lust.
“Huh.” I swigged back my Kombucha (because I’m detoxing from booze—been off the sauce for five whole days now!) and thoughtfully stared at the blank wall in front of me.
I guess all of us lezzies have different L Word crushes. The more I thought about it (like really, really, really thought about it) I realized that our L Word crushes tells us exactly what kind of queer girl we are, and how we date.
SO here is an analysis from yours truly, Zara Barrie, honorary Ph.D. in making mistakes, Harvard University.
Bette Porter: You like a power babe
If you’re anything like yours truly and you’ve been cursed with an unquenchable thirst for Ms. Bette Porter, the lesbian lady boss of the art world, that means one thing: you’re into power babes.
Agh! I actually, no joke just got horny as I typed out the words “power” and “babe.” My left nipple actually got hard. What? At least I didn’t say erect (gag).
You like a woman who gets up early in the morning, throws on a high fashion lesbian suit, stampedes into her super chic job and takes charge, don’t you? A woman who yells at the boys and seduces the interns?
Maybe you think it means she’ll take charge of your tired, forlorn body in the bedroom? Well, honey. That’s what I hoped, too. I hoped that if I dated power babes like Bette, I was setting myself up for a blissful life pillow princess-ing as the top of my dreams had her way with me every single night in the King sized bed she paid for.
How sorely mistaken WAS I? See the reality is, is that the real Bettes of the world are tired of being in control all the time. They’re longing for a woman to TOP them in the bedroom. This is actually the story of how I became an accidental top—but we’ll save that story for a different day, honey.
Alice Pieskecki: You’re wildly confident
Alice isn’t necessarily my type (we’re both writers and we both talk a lot, it would be like dating myself if I was blonde and I dressed early 2000s trashy-chic), but I know loads of lesbians who lust for Alice.
Chances are if you’re drawn to the loud, outspoken, charming blonde that befriends everyone and anyone, you’re a laid-back, confident dyke (and when I say “dyke” I don’t mean necessarily mean butch, for the record. I mean any girl who has sex with girls) who is happy to let your bae shine like the top of the Chrysler building. Good on you. Just don’t try to change her, OK? Let her be crazy, fun, loud, whacky ALICE, you hear?
Shane McCutcheon: You’re a masochist (or you’re straight)
I’m not going to lie: I’ve dated a few Shanes in my day. The elusive, sexy, heart-smashing players who will send lusty daggers through your thirsty body with a mere glance. Shane types are akin to speedy drugs. They leave you wanting more, more, more! You’re always chasing that first high when you chase a woman like Shane.
The sex with her will be mind blowing because you know, when you’re doing it, you’ll probably never be able to do it again—because she’ll tire of you after the first time. She’ll be on to the next, the very moment you put out. So that 20 minutes of sex is like no other. You. Savor. Every. Second.
Except it hurts afterward (emotionally not physically, hopefully), doesn’t it? She loves you and leaves you orgasm-less and sad.
In short, if this what you’re caught up in, you’re a masochist who gets off on emotional pain. It fuels your art. It gives you something to drink about. I recommend therapy, I finally got over my Shane tendencies after about a year of talking through it all with a lesbian shrink.
That or you’re straight. All of my straight girl friends say if they were going to hook-up with a girl, it would totally be SHANE. Don’t know why, maybe it’s the Justin Beiber haircut?
Jenny Schecter: You’re both wildly insecure and wildly creative
Jenny is our wicked little devil, the complicated “writer” juxtaposed by sweet, angelic dresses with ruffled, frilly collars. If you want to get down and dirty with this conniving little manic pixie dream girl gone nasty, you’re wildly insecure, babes. You just want someone to tell you what to do. And her mean opinion of you, matches the mean opinion you have of yourself (I used to do this, I get it! Again, therapy really helps.).
But hey—you’re also pretty creative—and her ~dark~ life story gives you excellent content to work with, right?
As I like to say; “anything for content, darling.” Actually, I don’t say that. At least not since I stabilized on the Zoloft!
Carmen de la Pica Morales: You’re competitive
Those rock-hard abs! That shiny full head of hair! Those lush lips and that penetrating sex stare! Carme de la Pica Morales practically oozes unabashed sexuality out of her poreless skin. She’s easily the most universally lusted over L Word character.
I personally have had at least seven sex dreams about sexy Carmen. She’s one of those lesbians that’s everyone’s goddamn type. If you want Carmen you’ll have to compete with every type of queer girl on the rainbow spectrum. Butches love her, femmes love her, and everyone else in between. She transcends stereotypes and sexual identity. She’s that hot.
If I didn’t shy away from competition and avoid like it was the plague, then I would like Carmen too. But damn—I don’t think I can compete with all of you sexy lesbians so I’ll go for someone a little less coveted, thanks.
Tina Kennard: You have mommy issues
Oh, Tina! Something about Tina makes us (by us, I mean me) feel safe. Like I just want to nuzzle in her soft bust in a platonic, non-sexual way and listen to her whisper in my ear that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. I wouldn’t even mind being bottle fed by her (gross I know, but the truth is often slimy).
If Tina is your girl, well, you like a ~maternal woman~. You want a warm meal waiting for you on the kitchen table at the end of the day. You want to run your fingers through a soothing soccer mom bob hairstyle.
That’s OK! Some of us have daddy issues, some of us have mommy issues and some of us are masochists. We all have our sexual quirks and that’s just fine. Plus, there’s always therapy if it gets out of hand.
Max Sweeney: You’re looking for a dutiful partner
Sweet, sweet Max. Max puts up with Jenny and her unpredictable antics for far longer than most of us ever would. Why? Because Max is of the hyper-loyal elk. Max will stick by your side through all of your mental breakdowns, job screw-ups, friend alienation, and burned bridges.
So if you’re complicated and wont to entangle yourself in dramatic situations, you most certainly are lusting after Max. Max the dutiful partner who has your back no matter how much of a raging bitch you are.
Maybe I should like Max? Maybe I need a Max to put up with my shit?
Helena Peabody: You like a complicated woman
Helena isn’t just some rich beauty queen, there is so much more to Helena. She’s multifaceted. The girl has summered in both the south of France and in jail. Talk about an interesting life, holy shit.
While it’s pretty glam/chic to have been in both jail and in France; that kind of life will make a girl very complicated. Her nightmares won’t make sense. She’ll be in a luxury prison when she’s sleeping.
But that’s why you like. Purr. You long for a complicated woman to untangle, don’t you? Helps you to uh, avoid confronting your own demons, huh?
Dana Fairbanks: You want what you can’t have
Dana Fairbanks, the tennis playing extraordinaire that we all loved too much, lost her battle (on the show that is, the actress is alive and well, I promise) to breast cancer. We were collectively devastated. It was a dark time in the lesbian underworld, wasn’t it?
But baby, if you still can’t shake your crush on her, you simply want what you can’t have. I get it. However, you need to look into things if you’re thirsting over a woman who is no longer ALIVE! That’s taking “unavailable” to the next level, kitten. Not trying to be insensitive, trust me, I was heartbroken over Dana’s death too.
It’s been over a decade and it’s time to stop mourning over the death of this fictional character. Maybe it’s time you crushed on someone else? Which leads me perfectly to Tasha.
Tasha Williams: You’re desperately seeking stability
If I wasn’t so wrapped up in my love for Bette, I would definitely be wanting Tasha. She’s stunning, funny, tough, rides a motorcycle (I love a dyke on a bike, don’t you?)—but most importantly she’s fucking stable, an increasingly rare quality in the lesbian land. She won’t screw with your head for sport. She won’t cheat or lie or go out of her way to make you feel wildly insecure for fun. She’s marriage material, girl.
If you’re drawn to Tasha this is an excellent sign as to the mint condition of your mental health. You’re doing well! Goldstar for you (the sticker not your male virginity).
You’re in a place where you’re finding stability attractive and that means one thing: you are growing up. I’m so, so, so proud!
So tell us, damaged, deranged lesbians—how did you get there? Who is your therapist? Help us, please.
Kit Porter: You like straight girls
I understand she’s sexy, famous, talented and has a great head of beautiful hair. But babes, she’s straight as an arrow. And it looks like you’ve got the curse of the straight girl crush.
Which means you need to read this article. That’s all. You’re welcome. Oh and see a shrink too.