It may be hot AF outside, but don’t be fooled: cuffing season is quickly approaching us. Before you know it, you’ll want to lock down that cute girl you matched with on Tinder and take cute pictures pumpkin picking, gush to your family about her at Thanksgiving, and watch the official start-date of “The L Word: Generation Q” together while wrapped in blankets with a bottle of red wine (and your new cat). If you are looking to turn your summer fling into ~le real deal~ might I recommend a romantic getaway?
Not just any romantic getaway, though. The sexiest, swaggiest, (dare a princess like me say it) affordable getaway on this side of the Mississippi! What makes for a perfect romantic getaway, you ask? A swanky, chic, and art-filled hotel, a full bar, a cute town with amazing restaurants, and a hot tub. That’s it. I mean, what else do you want to do besides swim, drink, and have sex all day? That’s the whole point. So you can imagine my dyke-princess-delight when I heard about The Time Nyack, a stunning hotel only an hour outside of NYC!
It was the perfect place for a sexy weekend. I met Kat* at my favorite place on Earth, save for Sephora and Cubbyhole: a party for Ivy League lesbians. Specifically power lesbians. Daddies.
It was after precisely three wine-and-dine dates that I knew I simply had to whisk her away and spoil her the way she had been spoiling me or I would DIE. Not only did she agree to come with me to the divine The Time Nyack hotel, but she also offered to drive. Oh, how I love daddies!
I was slightly nervous the hotel wouldn’t live up to its stunning promo (just check out their Instagram, it’s like interior design porn), but the second I walked in the lobby (daddy went to go park the car and bring our bags in) my pupils dilated looking at its impossibly posh furniture, captivating art, and smiling staff. Between the plush velvet tufted couches, the darkly mysterious paintings, and low lighting, it was like this hotel was made for me. Think Sylvia Plath meets Dyke Princess meets MoMA. I was turned on instantly, and we hadn’t even made it to the room.
The Time Nyack describes themselves as a “brand-new construction housed within the framework of a four-story, former factory. The Time Nyack honors the direction of the original Time Hotel in New York City. Discoveries lie hidden around each corner, starting in a lobby dotted with exquisite modern artwork and crowned with a jewel-box front desk.” Exquisite modern art AND discoveries hidden around each corner—now you’re speaking my language.
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After checking in with the lovely hotel clerk, Kat and I feverishly kissed in the elevator until we got to the 4th and top floor (the floor for icons, obviously). As we waved the key card over the lock, I prayed that the room would measure up to its chic Instagram presence just like the lobby did. There’s nothing worse than getting architecturally catfished! When we walked in, I was blown away. Oh, the ROOM! I could write poetry about the room. Between the flower and skull adorned rug, the massive baroque mirror (perfect for selfies!), and the tufted, rhinestone-encrusted luggage rack, I felt like I had stepped into the lesbian Pinterest board of my wildest fantasies.
Can you guess whose luggage is whose? I’ll give you a hint: Kat’s is sensible and mine is fluffy and pink. Needless to say, we had sex immediately. On the perfectly soft and luxurious sheets. The mirror next to the bed was a nice touch. And mirror sex isn’t an easy thing to pull off (it’s really not as sexy as one would think while you’re obsessing over your cellulite or ugly orgasm face), so let that be a testament to the amazing lighting at The Time Nyack.
The bathroom was sleek, modern, and stocked with all kinds of fabulous bath products. The mirror in there was ideal for taking excessive pictures as well. Then it was time for a bottle of sparkling rosé and the pool. Modelesque tattooed lesbians sprawled across the gigantic chaise lounge chairs and beds; it was just like Ibiza, but in New York and without pumping house music. Kat and I furiously made out by the pool—there is something so overtly ROMANTIC in the air at The Time Nyack—and had to promptly pull ourselves apart, because I would like to regularly return to this gorgeous establishment without being put on a sex offenders list. The pool was situated right outside the bar and has a sprawling view of the hotel, as well as the gorgeous people lounging. Judging by its trendy crowd, Nyack is definitely a new hot spot—think Williamsburg a few years back. The hot tub was tucked away into a corner, and Kat and I continued making out there while sipping our drinks. Love a lesbian-friendly town/hotel where you don’t have to worry about getting hate crimed! Then we ordered chicken fingers and fries poolside. (My dyke princess palate is far less bougie when I’m drunk by a body of water.)
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Properly waterlogged and buzzed, it was time for a tour of the hotel by Rachael Solomon, who coincidentally used to work at GO (queer women power)! She made us a little goody bag filled with souvenirs of the town, restaurant recommendations, and local literature.
“Nyack is totally having a gay moment,” I mused to Rachael, channeling the inner Paris Hilton voice I use when I’m drunk on bubbles at a luxurious resort with a hot power lesbian.
“It’s always been gay,” she respectfully corrected me. “[It’s] not a moment.”
Moment is basically my colloquial way of describing everything, but I knew what she meant. This eclectic, artistic, accepting, queer town has been here forever and is finally getting recognized for how trendy and amazing it is.
The Time Nyack features a restaurant called BV’S Grill (First cousin to the famed Bobby Van’s Steakhouses!), an event space, a gym, a pool and hot tub, and 133 rooms. “In a nod to the building’s industrial roots, The Time Nyack’s rooms and suites are simple yet elegant, gritty yet graceful, and infused with loft-style aesthetic. Private balconies blur the line between indoors and out, with views of the Hudson River and Tappan Zee Bridge,” the website eloquently puts it. Every inch of the space boasts impressive attention to detail. I feel like the interior designer literally went inside my brain and pulled out all the sexy, dark, feminine art.
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And the town of Nyack itself was so cute! Okay, fine, I’ll tell the truth—we didn’t make it to town because we were, ahem, busy. BUT the next morning, we did a quick little drive by and let me tell you: this is one cute-ass town. Perfect for foodies, artists, and tourists alike. Art Cafe is a funky little staple of the town that serves organic coffee & fresh cuisine inspired by the cafes in Tel Aviv. Other must-see-and-do moments include the Edward Hopper House, The Nyack Farmers Market, and Soul Flyte, where you can do aerial yoga! I totally don’t have the upper body strength for that (and I’d much rather laze by the pool and sip champagne), but if you are an active babe, you can’t miss this.
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Since we couldn’t bear to leave The Time Nyack in the short time that we had there, we decided to stay on-premises for dinner. We had an iconic dinner of buffalo cauliflower, a spicy tuna roll, hanger steak, and an embarrassing amount of other dishes at The BV Grill. For dessert, we had a painfully delicious flourless chocolate cake. Oh, how I love dating a woman who isn’t a gluten-free vegan! The food was delicious; I am a 100% Italian New Yorker and I am very hard to please, honey.
After dinner, we had the most perfect night, like Bette and Tina making out in an elevator during a blackout while “Swimming Pool” by Freezepop plays perfectly in the background. True “The L Word” fans know what I’m talking about. I thank The Time Nyack for this.
In conclusion, my dear lesbians, you need to get out of the city. Take a break from chugging $30 martinis and crowds and smoke and buildings and overall mania. Slow down. Put on a bikini. Smell the roses. Take a cute girl for a weekend. I volunteer as tribute.
What Do You Think?