30 Lesbian Dating Deal-Breakers, as Told by a Dyke Princess

You don’t compliment me.

Photo by istock

Hello, internet. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten trolled for being the princess dyke that I am, so the masochist in me wants to share all the reasons why I would end a relationship, walk out on a first date, or straight-up ghost a girl. Here are 30 lesbian dating deal breakers, as told by ~moi~.

1. You use weird emojis

Anyone who texts xD is not mentally stable.

2. You are indecisive about our first date location 

Don’t ask me out and then leave the details “up to me.”

3. You pick a shitty place

Anything besides a chic bar is unacceptable. One time I had a first date at a museum that seemed chic in theory, but when we arrived and the exhibit was a gigantic empty room save for one dead parrot, I desperately wished I were sipping Pinot Grigio on a rooftop.

4. You want to split the bill

Just. No. 

5. You want to talk to me like a politically correct robot rather than an actual human

I think it’s great and all that you are realizing how to recognize your able-bodied privilege, but I’m much more interested in hearing about the time you got diarrhea at camp, what you think about when you masturbate and what your opinion of Lana Del Rey is (she’s a goddess).

6. You don’t ask me about myself

If you are more interested in talking at me than talking to me, I will live-tweet how bad our date is.

7. You think Blue Is the Warmest Colour is “problematic”

Wrong. It’s a visual masterpiece, and if you don’t get that, you fundamentally don’t get ME.

8. You talk about the price of something

I get it. I’m broke, you’re broke, we’re all broke. But do we really have to talk about it? Mentioning that the oysters are too expensive is so unsexy.

9. You question my identity

I went out with this really sexy girl once who repeatedly questioned if I were attracted to men as well as women even though I explicitly said I was gay. I even woke up next to her the following morning and the first thing she said to me was, “Are you sure you don’t like male-identified folks?”

*9 1/2. You use the word “folks “

As if that question wasn’t annoying me enough, the fact that she said FOLKS was the final nail in the coffin.

10. You don’t understand my Spongebob references

Go ahead and skip. But I guess you’re going to miss the panty raid.

11. You’re rude to the waiter

I will literally get up and leave, and make sure to tip the waiter on my way out.

12. You don’t compliment me

Um, HELLO? These gorgeous eyelash extensions were not cheap.

13. You don’t drink

I don’t like dating sober and I never will. Wine makes me prettier.

14. You have a superiority complex

I get that I seem like I have one, but I know that I am truly kind-hearted and open-minded (spoken like a textbook narcissist, I’m aware). If you think you’re better than everyone else, plus you’re an asshole about it, then bye-bye.

15. You don’t know the last time you were tested for STIs (and don’t care to talk about it)

I get tested regularly when I’m casually dating. So should you.

16. You think that scissoring is just a porn myth

Then you, my friend, have nothing to offer me.

17. You are not into strap-on sex

Again, I’ll just see myself out.

18. You think you own me

I once went out with this party promoter that I thought I was going to fall wildly in love with  until she fought a guy on the street for cat-calling me. Um, I’m not your property. And I appreciated his compliment.

19. You are a SWERF or a TERF

If your feminism shits on trans people or sex workers, I gotta blast. If you don’t watch porn because you think it’s misogynistic, I gotta blast. If you don’t want trans people in queer spaces, I gotta blast!

20. You eat to survive, rather than for pleasure

If we’re going out to eat, I want to have an experience. If we’re going somewhere basic, I’d rather just order in and eat at home.

21. Food isn’t your sole reason for existence

If a perfect cheese plate doesn’t give you goosebumps, heart palpitations, incredible happiness, and a will to live, then we’ll have nothing in common.

22. You won’t let me call you daddy

Or you won’t call me baby girl.

23. You’re into needles and all that other kinky stuff

Spank me, tie me up, spit on me, talk dirty to me but bust out a needle and I’m calling the cops.

24. You’re a terrible dresser

I know I regularly wear trashy t-shirts with ridiculous sayings on them, outfits I Amazon-ed from China that are way too small on me, and all my bottoms are leggings from Fashion Nova because I gave up trying to get this ass into jeans. But you know what? I make it work. And you better make your style work, too!

25. You think my beauty routine is frivolous

Yes, I dedicate entire days to tanning, eyebrows, eyelashes, nails, and waxing. No, that doesn’t make me stupid (just insecure and financially irresponsible).

26. You aren’t mentally ill

I need someone who understands how fucking insane I am and has patience when I need to go back home to check the straightener for the 30th time, or that I can’t leave the house because I hate the way I look so much, or that I’m crying over sentimental YouTube videos, or that I am in one of my many anxiety spirals or depressive episodes.

27. You tip less than 20%

If you’ve passed my first test and paid the bill (thanks! let’s go have sex!) then you best believe I’m going to try and sneak a peek to make sure you’ve tipped appropriately. If you’re cheap, then no thanks! Let’s not have sex!

28. You ask me to say “cawffee” and “dawg”

Yes, I’m from Lawng Island. Yes, I have an accent. Yes, I think you’re an idiot if you’re wildly entertained by this. (My current girlfriend, however, says my accent is a strange turn on. I’ll take it.)

29. You are somehow offended by a woman who knows what she wants

If you’re reading this list and feeling irrationally angry, cracking your knuckles in anticipation of keyboard-eviscerating me, ask yourself why. Why are you so triggered by a woman that has standards? You don’t have to date me, just like I don’t have to date you. I can have requirements for a partner, just like you can. So if you don’t like my deal-breakers, move along. If you’re THAT upset by them, then maybe, just maybe, deep down you know that your cheap ass is what’s keeping you from getting a girlfriend.

30. You don’t understand hyperbole or satire

If you can’t figure out that my writing is both hyperbolic and satirical (for example, if you hate-commented on this piece), I’ll just pray to Lana Del Rey for you.