Cats, cats, cats! What lezzie worth their Tevas doesn’t have an obsessive relationship with a cute little kitty? Their adorable little paws, their dry little noses—it’s almost too much to take! But wait! Something’s wrong—anxiety is setting in. It doesn’t seem as happy to see you as it used to. It doesn’t like your girlfriend. It isn’t eating its kibble with the sense of satisfaction you used to see in its eyes. I know how you feel. A relationship with a cat can sometimes be more telepathic than one with a significant other. We here at GO take your concerns very seriously. That’s why we compiled this list of 5 things that could be “wrong” with your cat. Let’s get to the bottom of this!
They HATE men.
This might go without saying, but some cats are lesbian separatists. It can be hard to tell because cats don’t generally wear mullets or threadbare Melissa Etheridge thick-strap tank tops. Although, if you’ve noticed some questionable behavior in your cat when it encounters men, it might be a good idea to approach the subject with some caution. Maybe lay a Tracy Chapman CD gently on the floor in front of them and see if you can get a reaction.
Another option is to look at their claws. If the middle claws are longer than the ones flanking the sides, it’s pretty likely there are some hardcore sapphic tendencies going on. But that might not mean that they necessarily hate men. If you really wanna know if your Manx is a misandrist, bring a man around (at their own risk). Make sure this experiment is foolproof with a real Wall Street type of bro. Don’t forget to have him wear a hard plastic face mask and heavy-duty gloves for protection. If you don’t know any men, you can achieve a similar result by dousing your cat’s favorite plaything in Axe Body Spray. If you find they go straight for the jugular, then know you’ve got a second-wave feminist on your hands.
Don’t despair! I recommend confiscating its copy of the “S.C.U.M. Manifesto” and replacing it with “All About Love” by Bell Hooks. If intersectionality doesn’t work, take it to Sephora and show it a picture of Hayley Kiyoko.
They’re sexually frustrated.
ME-OWWW! There’s nothing like a cat in heat. The incessant moaning, stalking, and panting! If I wanted all that pent-up sexual aggression, I would have dumped my cat and spent my night prowling Henrietta Hudson! Alas, a cat’s libido is never satisfied.
If your cat is too freaky for their own good, I suggest leashing it up for a brisk run to get its blood pumping and turn some of those pheromones into endorphins (I was an art major in college so hopefully that’s scientific enough). Sure, it won’t wanna go running at first. It may even fight you. But, you can always grease the wheels a little with a salmon flavored treat. Or let it out the backdoor and into the wilds of the city to get it’s heartbroken by some unavailable futch fuck-cat. Either way, you may find yourself mopping up the aftermath, so be prepared for a wily mating season.
Trouble in the zodiac.
So you’re a Pisces and your cat’s a Virgo. Better wear mittens when you pet ‘em! The fact is, incompatibility is all around us. A friend of mine’s cat recently went through her Saturn return and it was hell on the both of them. Sometimes the planets just don’t align. Sidebar: Did you know that most cats are Geminis? Yikes.
To be honest, it’s imperative that you have an on-call cat guru who is well versed in astrological conflict resolution. This zodiac stuff runs pretty deep in the cat world. Figures—they’re all a bunch of pussies!
Unresolved trauma from a past life.
This is one of the trickier dilemmas to solve, because, first of all, cats have NINE lives. In my humble experience, that’s about eight lives too many. With that much wiggle room, there can be a lot of cosmic variables. Maybe your cat is distant and preoccupied. It won’t play with the toys you buy and it feels as if it has some greater purpose on this earth than just being your feline. Hogwash, I know! But, if this sounds familiar, you might wanna hire a Medium. This kind of thing can be tricky, though. If your cat’s detached attitude persists, I recommend upgrading to a Large (lol, I’m corny).
But, seriously, if that doesn’t work, maybe loosen the reigns a little. You could be suffocating it into a toxic codependent relationship. If you truly love something, sometimes you have to let it go on a journey of wanderlust. I’m not saying let it run out into the mean streets, but don’t cramp its style. Let it live a little. It’s just going through an angsty teen phase. Hit me up in the comments if I’m wrong, but, in my experience, sometimes the best way to “support” is to disappear.
They’re an empath.
Animals, by nature, are incredibly empathic beings. They feel things on a level we humans simply don’t, can’t, or won’t. That being said, cats are not known for their empathy. But that shouldn’t stop you from diving headfirst into the belief that your cat is special.
Maybe it’s standoffish or downright violent with the various girls you bring home from Cubbyhole because it cares deeply for you, can sense their “bad vibes,” and doesn’t want you getting your pride wrapped up in their shame. Maybe it feels people’s energies so intensely that, once pulled into an aura, it finds itself unable to escape a complex web of emotion and suggestion. That could be why it’s shredding up your couch. When your cat is behaving badly, there’s no reason (besides concrete logic) to think that the root cause isn’t really just a flair for the occult or a struggling novice being overwhelmed by a sudden and mysterious otherworldly power. Like Jean Grey from X-Men, maybe their fits of rage are fueled by an alternate personality that has some supernatural telekinetic stuff going on. I mean, listen. Demons need love, too!
Think of the torment it must be to hear all those voices in one’s head at once, rendered powerless to the cacophony of acute sensory overload. If intense stress from overstimulation made Jean Grey turn into the Phoenix, there’s no telling what a well-meaning stranger’s caress might do to your household cat. My advice, QUARANTINE THAT PUSS! It clearly can only handle interacting with you and you alone.
Good luck with all your cat adventures. The love between a lesbian and their cat is a sacred bond that no one on this planet can understand quite like you two. Cherish that love and go forth into the world of your apartment as friends and equals!