Developing feelings for close friends

Dr. Darcy answers your question about developing feelings for close friends

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I think I’m starting to have feelings for one of my close friends. She’s known me since high school and over the years she’s become one of the most important people in my life. My girlfriend put a wedge between us since we’ve been together and now I hardly ever see her. I tend to want things that I can’t have and I’m wondering if my feelings for my friend are real or if my girlfriend’s jealousy is making me think I feel something I don’t. What do you think?

What I think could take up pages so consider yourself fortunate that my column has a limited number of words.

As far as your friend is concerned, tread carefully before imposing your confusion on her.  And if you care about your friend as you say you do, I suggest you catapult yourself onto the nearest shrink’s couch to clarify your feelings, lest you leave two casualties in your selfish wake.

You mention that your girlfriend is jealous of your friend, and her discomfort with the relationship has put a wedge between the two of you, right? Does this sound confusing? If you answered “Yes,” it’s because it is confusing to everyone; including your girlfriend! Extend a courtesy to this community and take a break from the girlfriend so you can reflect on your feelings for your friend. Spare us of yet another lesbian who was manipulated into endorsing a not-so-platonic relationship only to find out that she was played, thus morphing into that distrustful woman who thinks that same-sex is code for some-sex. And until such a time as your shrink alters your status, I do feel you that you should be wrapped in yellow “caution” tape.

Take care,


Email questions to or call 212-604-0144

Dr. Darcy Smith received her Masters degree from Columbia University and her Ph.D. from New York University. She has been a practicing social worker for over 10 years and is in private practice in both New York City and New Jersey.

*This column is not a consultation with a mental health professional and should in no way be construed as such or as a substitute for such consultation. Anyone with issues or concerns should seek the advice of her own therapist or counselor.

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