Ask Dirty Lola

How do I get better at giving oral? I’ve tried all the tips, but I still haven’t been able to make a partner orgasm, and it’s starting to mess with my confidence. 

In the immortal words of Rob Base, “It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it outta sight.” Orgasms aren’t something one person gives another; they’re a collaboration between your skills, their arousal, and both of your mindsets. Truly, the only group project worth doing.

It’s great that you’ve been studying the cunnilingus craft, but technique alone isn’t the magic trick. Every body is different, which means your best move is communication. Before you head downtown, ask your partner what they like. Soft or firm pressure? Consistent rhythm or variety? Tongue only, or should fingers clock in for the shift too?

If your partner isn’t totally sure what gets them there, invite them to guide you in real time. A little live play-by-play can turn oral from a performance into an exploration. That takes pressure off both of you and makes the whole thing hotter.

Your mindset is important here, too, so stop putting so much pressure on yourself and stop judging your skills based on one-night stands and random hookups. Bodies take time to learn. Chemistry, comfort, trust, and communication all play a role in whether someone climaxes.

So, keep your chin up, your head between those thighs, and your communication game strong. With practice and the right collaborator, you’ll nail the group project.

Dirty Lola is an award-winning sexpert, edutainer, and longtime voice in the sex positive community. With over 11 years of experience working in sex shops, she’s helped thousands navigate toys, turn-ons, and the beautifully messy world of pleasure. She’s hosted live Q&A shows, appeared on podcasts, Netflix, and HBO series, and been featured in New York Magazine, Vice, and Allure. Find her at dirtylola.co and @dirtylola.

*Dirty Lola is an intimacy and relationship coach. They are not a licensed medical doctor, psychotherapist, or clinical psychologist. The information provided in this column is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, licensed therapist, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.