If you don’t know, GO babes, I am a bionic woman. Like, really. My left arm is a bionic prosthetic.
So you can imagine my sheer delight when our friends at Lovehoney introduced me to their brand new, state of the art, one-of-a-kind, bionic dildo called UPRIZE. Purrrrrrrr. Have a looksie at this cute video on how it works.
I know. I spent over an hour just making it go up and down, too. It is as entertaining as it looks. Once I got past how ridiculously fun it was to elephant trunk, it was time to get down to business. Just kidding. I proceeded to make all my friends’ play with it, too, while we pregamed for a lez night out. I know. I’m the picture of maturity.
After I got over the sheer entertainment of the animatronics, it was actually time to ~get down to business~.
OK, don’t try to psychoanalyze this, but I’m really into daddy play. I know, I know, unbalanced gender dynamics, blah, blah, blah. Now let’s move on. It’s 2018. Daddy stuff is for everyone. Anyways, so this dildo seemed perfect if you’re into your bae wearing it under their clothes and then whipping it out, porn style. I know I’m not the only one. (Were we all collectively inspired by Dana Fairbanks’ dildo moment?)
Since UPRIZE can stay flaccid, gone are the days of feeling awkward with a hard-on at all times if you are into wearing a dildo under your pants. This one, however, was 8 inches and even when it was flaccid was a little cumbersome in my bae’s pants (honestly, babes, how do people even deal with penises?). Even though it wasn’t hard, it was bulging. So it actually wouldn’t work if you were planning on packing out in public and wearing tight-fitting pants cause, like, this thing is huge. I’m sure the smaller UPRIZE size (6 inches) would be easier for under-the-pants-in-public wear.
Alas, I was determined to make it work! So my date found the baggiest boyfriend jeans she owned (though I would have preferred dress pants, Mad Men style), slipped the UPRIZE in her RodeoH harness, and off we went to a Brooklyn whiskey bar, giggling. You could still lowkey see THE BULGE. Which seemed less funny and more sexy as the night wore on.
As we sat on tall barstools sipping Manhattans, I had to resist the urge to use the remote control and embarrass the hell out of my date. ‘Cause I’m a cativa like that.
*Cativa: Italian slang for female troublemaker.
I couldn’t stop glancing down and biting my lip. Just knowing it was under her pants was making me excited. I wanted to pull it out and do all kinds of ~dirty~ things with it.
So we closed our tab as fast as we could and booked it back to mine. We kissed on the stairs, in the hallway, as I fumbled with the key in the door. We haphazardly removed our clothing as we stumbled into my room, and up my ladder (I’m FINALLY moving out of my loft next week! No more embarrassing pre-sex ladder climbing!!!). After we settled into my bed, it was time to bust out the UPRIZE. So it was back down the ladder for me because I left the remote in my purse and the purse was on the floor. Then I couldn’t find the f*cking remote in my purse. Minor setback, but once I did, it was on.
I scurried back up the ladder, and pushed the remote with the same fervor that nerdy straight guys push their buttons on Jeopardy. I’m not gonna lie to you, babes, it is still a little funny to push the button and have it go up, even if you are turned on and completely in the moment and generally lack shame around sex (like moi). I fought the urge to chuckle. It’s just so fun and high-tech! My date wasn’t as giggly. She looked me dead in the eye and well…I stopped laughing immediately. I was painfully turned on by how confident she was wearing the UPRIZE; how ready she was to ~punish me~ for giggling.
For oral play, the experience was insanely hot. And for sex, well, okay this is a little graphic but stick with me, babes. You know when a dildo that’s too big is inside of you, and you can lowkey feel it in uh, places it shouldn’t be? Lez not be prim: I know you know what I’m talking about. Well, with UPRIZE, you can simply use your remote to guide the dildo to a more comfortable position. It makes it easier to find the elusive G Spot, purr. We are really living in the future, ladies!
If you’re looking to switch up your sex life and try a “never been done before” sex toy, I highly recommend UPRIZE. For me, it was a little large, but overall, it was an extremely hot and unique experience.
As someone who frequently calls myself a cyborg, I felt it was my personal duty to give a hand job to the bionic dildo with my bionic arm. Alas, it didn’t work. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t use it again. It was the most fun I’ve ever had with a sex toy in my life! And once we worked out the kinks, it felt AMAZING on both ends. It empowers both the wearer and the receiver. And it’s so much fun. It’s one of my new favorite dildos, and trust me, honey, I have a bunch of them.
Here’s all the fab unique features of UPRIZE:
– Revolutionary technology brings you an advanced, auto-erecting, vibrating dildo for intense, otherworldly play.
-Using patented technology, UPRIZE delivers rock hard erections with 10 modes of vibration.
-Wireless remote control operation for hands-free fun or power play with a partner.
-Smooth, silicone dildo curves upwards for G-spot or P-spot stimulation.
-Harness compatible for strap-on and pegging penetration.
-USB rechargeable for worldwide use and eco-friendly play.
-Waterproof for transforming your aquatic adventures.
I highly recommended Lovehoney for all your naughty needs. Their customer service is amazing and they will answer any questions you have before purchasing. They helped me find the perfect harness when I was a baby dyke! They sent me the most luxurious vibrator I’ve ever tried! I have never been disappointed by their products, and my sex life is better because of them. I can only imagine what they’ll think of next. Thanks for the bionic dildo, from this bionic babe.
