Signs You Might Be a Lesbian F*ckboy

Luckily, people can totally change.

It’s weird how “f*ckboy” has the word “boy” in it, because so many of the f*ckboys I know are women who date women. “F*ckgirl” or “f*ckperson” just doesn’t have the same ring to it, so I’m going to stick with lesbian f*ckboy for now. Lesbian f*ckboys are plentiful, and, while they are bound to ruin your lives, you also can’t stop texting them.

If you are a lesbian f*ckboy and you want to do better—I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. One of my 2019 New Year’s resolutions is to stop trying to rescue shitty people from themselves at my own expense.

I can, however, help you identify whether you are a f*ckboy in the first place! If you see yourself in several of these 9 statements, do the world a favor and get your ass into therapy, ‘kay? We’re not mad at you, we’re just disappointed.

All of your exes love to hate you.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with my f*ckboy exes. They are seriously the best, and, yet, somehow, they always manage to be the worst. They’re like cheese popcorn—it doesn’t make me feel that great after I eat it, but WHILE I’m eating it…hoo boy. Do I even want to imagine my life without cheese popcorn?

If that’s how your exes feel about you, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy. You are your exes’ guilty pleasure. You manage to keep them around as “friends,” even though you catch them staring daggers at you randomly as they remember what you did to them that one time.

You can’t differentiate between flirting and friendliness (or so you claim!).

Speaking of keeping exes as friends—f*ckboys are famously disloyal, and their signature move when caught is to feign ignorance. “Babe, I swear I was being 100% platonic with her! On Tinder! At 2 a.m.!” YEAH OKAY.

Somehow, the rest of us know not to like 20 of our ex’s Instagram photos in a row, but, if you don’t, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

Someone may or may not mistakenly think she’s your girlfriend.

F*ckboys like to cleverly avoid the “define the relationship” talk at all costs, while also expecting all of the perks of a relationship (reliable sex, emotional support, etc.). Many poor souls end up assuming that they are in a relationship with a f*ckboy, because if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, then it probably is one—but they’re in for a big shock when the f*ckboy pulls the “But we weren’t together!” move.

If you let her think she’s your girlfriend, but you don’t actually want her to be, then you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

You take multiple days to text back.

OKAY, LOOK—I don’t want to get into the “How long is too long to text back?” debate. Different people have different standards. I personally expect responses in 10 minutes or less, and I am only 25% kidding. If you wait longer than a week to reply to my text, you might as well go into a witness protection program, because I will find you and I will hurt you.

It’s fine to be a slow texter or to not like texting at all. But it’s rude to randomly interrupt the flow of a conversation and take several days to text back! If you do this, it might be because you’re #struggling with life and people in general, or it might be because you’re a lesbian f*ckboy.

…But then sometimes you text back right away.

The only thing worse than the ridiculously slow texter is the person who is wildly inconsistent with their response times. They ignore you for days, and then they reply immediately and enthusiastically for a week, and then they ignore you for a few days again. It’s very confusing, and it does not feel good! Whether or not you do it on purpose doesn’t really matter; the effect is the same.

If you switch up your level of attentiveness at random, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

You never delete your dating apps.

You never delete your apps, even when you’re in a monogamous committed relationship. You don’t block your exes or turn down the randos who give you their numbers at the bar either. Because there always might be something better out there, right? And getting attention from people who you have no emotional obligation toward is sooooo fun, right? And it’s harmless because it’s not serious, right (see above)?

If your partner is cool with your Tinder swiping, fine. But, if not, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

You view new partners as “conquests.”

Scoring attention from a cutie is an ego boost—that’s for sure. All of us seek validation from others on some level, but f*ckboys have a distinct way of treating new bodies as conquests. It’s like they’ve won a prize by getting a girl to give them a chance. It’s something to brag about to others, rather than something that’s worthwhile in itself. This is a cocky way to think (and also something that stinks of dysfunctional hetero dynamics)! Women are not trophies—not even for other women.

If you feel a sense of cocky accomplishment when you get another notch on your belt, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

You’re amazing in bed.

The bedroom is the only place where lesbian f*ckboys are remarkably selfless, partially because of that validation thing. (The same is not true for cishet male f*ckboys, who can be disgustingly selfish in bed.) And, really, this is why so many of us can’t seem to let f*ckboys go or accept that they’re not good for us. Good sex is a hell of a drug! Orgasms are good for your health!

If you blow people’s minds in bed, but you never have any strong and healthy relationships to show for it, you might be a lesbian f*ckboy.

You put your ego above the feelings of others.

This is what it all really comes down to: be honest with yourself. What are you really in this for? To get your own needs met and feel good about yourself, or to form an authentic connection with someone (even if it means sacrificing your own comfort)?

If you put your ego above others’ feelings, you are almost definitely a lesbian f*ckboy. Luckily, people can totally change.