Lady Doritos Aren’t Real, But Here Are 10 Things We Wish Were

Eyeliner that wings itself.

So I’m sure by now you’ve heard about “Lady Doritos.” (Doritos with a quieter crunch and less chemical cheese residue.) *Cue the internet losing its mind and feminist Twitter coming up with some of the most golden tweets I’ve ever witnessed.*

But we can all simmer down: the Lady Doritos are fake news. (I’m a little sad TBH, because, as an anxious writer that eats in silence next to my fabulous coworkers and overanalyzes the volume of my chewing everyday, I wouldn’t mind a quieter snack.)

I hate to say this, you guys, but I like lady-themed things. I know, I know, I’m used to being the problematic dyke princess. Our world is really f*cking gendered, and it’s annoying! It’s damaging! It’s stupid! But since it’s our reality, and apparently marketers love to give us pink and sparkly pens and razors, let’s imagine some other lady-themed things that would actually help us, shall we?

1. Lady Beer that doesn’t give you DADS (day after drinking shits)
2. Nail polish that doesn’t chip 5 seconds after your manicure
3. Brazilian waxes that don’t give you ingrowns
4. Liquid lipstick that doesn’t make your lips dry AF
5. Hair extensions that can’t be ripped out during rough sex
6. Button-downs that consider lady curves
7. Bath bombs that won’t give you a yeast infection
8. Eyeliner that wings itself
9. Lady movies that don’t revolve around men
10. A boss bitch lady President

In the meantime, we’ll keep doing the work to burn the patriarchy to the ground. For real, though.