Hey queer babes, it’s Zara, your lesbian big sister here to give you some very important lez big sis advice: You must attend the Dinah 2018. I don’t care if you live a couple of hours away from Palm Springs in Los Angeles or if you live in Australia. I don’t care if you tan easily or if you burn to a crisp. Sunscreen exists for a reason and it’s super effective, my sweet pale girl. You. Need. To. Go. To. Dinah. Shore. 2018.
I mean, honestly, you should really be whipping out that ultra-chic rainbow-colored string bikini and heading west to the fierce AF Dinah every single year, but this year it’s ~particularly~ urgent that you head west March 28th to April 2nd.
So close your sore, tired, gay eyes as I dutifully explain why…
1. Because the world is falling apart.
Let’s start with the brutal fact that we exist in a cruel, cold world. I won’t get into all the reasons why (at least not in this piece) the world is crumbling into a trillion little pieces, but let’s face it: For the past year and a half, it’s been hard to make it through a 24-hour day without bursting into tears. It’s no secret that it’s been a particularly harrowing time for those of the LGBTQ orientation and we deserve a break from the darkness! We wholly deserve an epic adventure in lesbian fairyland (aka the Dinah)!
We deserve to kiss girls in teal blue pools without our kisses being corrupted by the animalistic gaze of straight men! We deserve to dance in the sunshine to the Sapphic beats of some of the best girl DJs in the world! We deserve to be swaddled in a teeming sea of ~women~ who love other ~women~.
Also, it’s in California. In Palm Springs. The f*cking Promise Land, baby.
So yeah. Turn off the news for a few days this glorious Spring and lose yourself in the beautiful bliss of girl/girl world.
2. Because you need to be around a fresh set of lezzies!
I live in New York City, a mecca for lesbians. But even in the great land of NYC, I’m sick of my local lez scene (I love you all, but we spend far too much time together. You know it, I know it, we all know it). I long to meet a fresh set of lezzies to engage with!
And you, babe? You are single, my sweet kitten! You really need to start shopping in a new market, because chances are, you’ve already dated or slept with all the women in your local scene. It’s time to stretch ourselves out of the stifling barriers of our comfort zones and make out with dykes who live in different continents. You don’t get your official “lesbian card” until you’ve slept with at least three lesbians who live outside the USA (according to yours truly, the self-proclaimed President of The National League Of Lesbians).
And where could you possibly find a more diverse, exciting set of women, than the legendary Dinah? Heaven, maybe. Or maybe heaven is on earth. Maybe heaven is Dinah.
3. Because it’s hot AF (literally and figuratively).
It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter. In fact, I’m wrapped in a trashy-chic leopard print blanket with wool socks pulled up my trembling knees as I write this. I’m so cold it’s hard to type with my frigid, stiff fingers. It’s hard to talk, for my mouth feels frozen shut. It’s hard to feel anything besides contempt and frustration toward the world at large!
I need sunshine. I need desert sunshine. I need to feel the sun’s gorgeous rays penetrate my bare skin in the company of women, baby. And so do you. After all, you and I both know we are severely vitamin D deficient. So let’s kill two birds with one stone: Let’s put the halt on our vitamin deficiencies and flirt with lesbians all weekend long!
4. Do it for your 70 year old self.
Whenever I’m deciding whether or not I should do something, I ask my 70 year old self what the hell she thinks I should do. She always has the right answer.
“70 year-old Zara, should I attend the Dinah this year?” I asked her, around November of last year.
70-year-old Zara stared at me long and hard, her eye ablaze with a fiery passion. She lit up a cigarette and began to speak: “Are you freakin’ kidding me. Of course you should go!” She roared, blowing a gray stream of cigarette smoke into my face.
I coughed and wheezed. “Why?” I pressed, still wildly unconvinced.
“Because when you’re my age, you’re going to live for the memories you made at Dinah. You’re going to tell your grandkids about the time you danced on the GO Magazine table at the pool party and spilled red wine all over your stark white minidress at the White Party. You’re going to tell them about the amazing sex you had. And about how your bikini magically undid itself on day three. The kids will love these stories! You’ll be considered the coolest grandmother in the whole, wide world because you went to Dinah way back in 2018, the year that Trump got impeached and you’ll be hailed as a lesbian icon for the rest of your life,” she said, with a purpose so palpable I could feel it hanging in the air.
“I’m convinced,” I said, smiling as I booked my VIP ticket online.
5. Queer girl energy will carry you through your darkest moments.
I can’t explain how powerful the energy is, when you’re surrounded by queer women. It’s like our Sapphic powers amplify in numbers and all of a sudden we realize nothing can ever take us down. Queer girl energy is so rich with power that it will strengthen you when you’re feeling weak a couple of months after Dinah. When you’re at a family dinner and Uncle Steve makes a homophobic comment, you’ll close your eyes and think back to the Dinah 2018. You’ll remember how electric it felt to be in the solely in the company of queer women.
And that gorgeous memory will make you smile and clap back at bigoted Uncle Steve, without sending you spiraling into shame or depression. Dinah will be the memory that you latch on to when life feels hard, pointless, sad, meaningless or wildly homophobic. You need the power of the Dinah to get you through these trying times, babe. Trust me.
6. Because you know you want to rock an all-white suit without judgment.
Little sisters: You and I are secretly *dying* to rock an all-white suit, right? A white fitted blazer. Maybe with white skinny jeans? Oh, with white boots, too? And teeth so white they could blind a man!
Only white suits don’t really work in cities, do they? If I were to leave my apartment in a white suit, it would be splattered with mysterious city toxins by the time I hailed a taxi downtown. Not only that, but Manhattan bitches would toss dirty looks in my direction, as if I’m betraying my native city by wearing white, instead of New York’s official fashion colors of black and gray.
At Dinah, we can don our stark white suits without judgment! And the desert is clean. It’s not full of environmental hazards, so chances are our suits will stay sparkling white. (Unless of course, you’re me, which means you will inevitably spill seventeen glasses of champagne on your suit.)
7. It’s a rite of passage.
I have social anxiety and if you’re spending a copious amount of time online, statistically you’re very likely to suffer from anxiety (and other mental-health conditions too). You’re probably terrified to go to Dinah because you’re terrified of socializing in real life. I SO get it, babe. But listen to your lez big sis, OK?
Going to Dinah is a rite of passage. You need to go to Dinah in order to receive your lesbian credentials. It’s historic, and you don’t want to let the anxiety win this race. You don’t want to end up missing a legendary women’s event during a particularly trying political moment because you’re afraid to socialize. And trust me: the soul-crushing anxiety will melt away in the desert sun!
You’re safe at the Dinah, tucked away in the Palm Spring’s desert. You’re with your people. Your tribe. And we are all congregating from all over the world, to connect, and make out, and fall in love and become friends for life, understand? We empathize with your anxiety and we’re going to make you feel calm with our queer kindness.
So honey, get online. Buy a rainbow bikini (or just a chic black one if rainbow is too much for you). Perm your eyelashes. Shine those tattoos with some good old-fashioned Lubriderm. Pack the strap-on. Order a pair of white doc marten boots and purchase your Dinah 2018 ticket, today!
And when you see me at the pool party, slurping back some Champagne whilst sporting the sluttiest bikini to ever exist, I want you to come over and say ~hey big sis~. And I’ll say ~hey little sis~.
And then we’ll dance until the sun sets in the desert sky. Babe. Have you ever even seen the sunset in the desert? It’s epic. And it’s even more epic when you’re watching the sky turn the palest shade of pink whilst surrounded by a women at the historic Dinah, girlfriend.