Nobody understands the art of the ex quite like a lesbian. Between the tiny size of most lesbian communities and the 10,000 hours of “processing” that we gay women are prone to, exes are a part of life that all queer women must reckon with more than your average joe. In fact, you could say that a lesbian is basically a connoisseur of exes. She knows all the different types in and out like a sommelier knows her varietals. Because she’s had to deal with every single one—if not in her own life, then in her friend’s life or her girlfriend’s life.
Here are 8 types of exes that every lesbian has in their closet.
The Ex Who Taught You Everything You Know
This wasn’t necessarily your FIRST girlfriend; she might have come along two or three girlfriends into the game—an older wiser lesbian who took your baby dyke self under her wing and taught you everything you currently know about orgasms and heartbreak. You’re not currently still in contact with the ex who taught you everything you know, but you do think fondly of her from time to time, especially when you have a flashback to your “But what do I do with my tongue” days.
The Ex Who Broke Your Heart
Maybe she cheated on you with your best friend. Maybe she said “But we’re not even together?” when you asked her to move in with you after six months of intense commitment. Maybe she just wasn’t as into you as you were into her. In any case, this ex hurt you more than anyone else ever has, and, while you’ll kinda never forgive her for it, you’re also kinda still hoping that one day she’ll come begging for you to take her back so you can be like “LOL, NOPE.”
The Ex You’re Still in Love With
Similarly, every lesbian has at least one ex who they would take back in 0.5 seconds if the opportunity arose because they just LOVE her SO MUCH and you don’t UNDERSTAND, OKAY? If you’re wise, you won’t necessarily admit that you’re still in love with this ex, because that would be ridiculous (it’s been four years, move on). In fact, you may go out of your way to tell people how “over it” you are. If you’re not wise, you continue to covertly text this ex and maybe get a little flirty. Either way, you secretly daydream about your reunion at least once a week, especially when you’re single.
Your Best Friend
Every lesbian is best friends with at least one of their exes. It’s a thing and you know it. This is only a problem if they fall into one of the other categories, e.g. the ex you’re still in love with. Otherwise, it’s actually really nice to transform someone from a romantic to a platonic role in your life. It’s proof that you don’t have to cut someone awesome out of your life forever just because ya’ll weren’t a match in love. Also, your best-friend-that-used-to-be-your-ex sometimes has a unique way of holding you accountable, because you know that she knows you, and you can’t bullshit her.
The Ex Who’s Straight
Sometimes you fall in love with a straight girl because you don’t know any better or your heart gets the best of you. Sometimes you fall in love with a girl who identifies as queer at the time, but then you break-up and she starts dating men and continues dating men for the rest of her life, and you’re like “Wait what?” Sometimes you fall in love with a girl who identifies as straight, but unexpectedly falls for you because sexuality is ~fluid~, but will probably never date another woman after ya’ll break up. Either way, you’ve got an ex who’s straight out there somewhere!
The Ex Who’s Also Your New Girlfriend’s Ex
Being a lesbian is like living in a small town no matter where you live. There are only so many potential partners available, and sometimes your ex is also your new girlfriend’s ex. Weird, but true! Sometimes you have to literally sit down and draw out a map because you’re having trouble mentally keeping track of who’s f*cked who. It is honestly kind of the worst, but, hey—if Alice can keep track, so can you.
The One Who Got Away
No, this is not necessarily the same person as the ex you’re still in love with. This ex is the one who you messed things up with—maybe you weren’t ready for a relationship or maybe you were just too immature to treat her right. Years later, whenever you think of her, you’re still filled with an ocean of regret that you lost out on something that could’ve been truly special. This is especially painful in the age of social media, because you can easily see how happy she is with somebody else now and that totally could’ve been you if you had your shit together! Damnit. Not every lesbian has a one who got away, but you definitely do if you are or have ever been a f*ckboy.
The Ex You’re Still F*cking
No matter how many breakup advice columns you read, breakups are messy and the heart (and vagina) wants what it wants. Every lesbian has an ex who they are still f*cking and will only stop f*cking once they or their ex gets into a monogamous relationship (and sometimes not even then, BUT DON’T BE THAT PERSON). Sometimes, the f*cking comes along with good morning texts and dinner dates and, basically, you’re still in a relationship in every sense of the word except that when people ask about it, you say, “Oh yeah we broke up.” Other times, you’re able to compartmentalize and only call this person over for random booty calls. I totally condone f*cking your ex, as long as you protect your heart!
What other types of exes do you have hanging around?