As soon as that sweet little spring breeze makes its way through the static city sky and the air begins to smell like FLOWERS instead of SHIT — I’m totally and completely screwed.
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I don’t want to do ~anything~ that involves responsibility or focus. Once May hits I’m overcome with a nasty case of spring fever and the only thing that satiates my pangs of longing is…alcohol. Rosé, specifically (yes, I’m basic and I bet you are too).
“Is it almost rosé o’clock?” I’ll chirp to GO Magazine managing editor Dayna.
“It’s 10 AM” she’ll respond, tugging on her shiny hair extra virgin Remy extensions. “We have to at least wait until 5 PM.”
“Ugh.” I’ll say.
“Ugh.” She’ll say back.
We both say “ugh” like we mean it because we do.
While we both have a reputation for loving to part-ay, we aren’t craving wine before noon in the winter. Or the fall. Or the summer for that matter.
It’s a Spring thing.
In fact, Spring seems to come with a laundry list of sinful cravings and pesky desires that make it hard to do your job, pay your bills, and have a steady relationship.
If you’re hoping this essay is going to teach you how to OVERCOME your symptoms of lesbian Spring Fever — feel free to (kindly) click the f*ck out of this essay. If I knew how to quell the fever, I wouldn’t be sitting here with a cold towel slathered across my forehead, writhing in agony because all I want to do is lay in a field of flowers whilst wearing a $500 LoveShackFancy prairie dress. This objective of this essay is simply to discuss the harrowing symptoms of Spring Fever. I have no clue how to rectify the issue!
So darling, here it is. Zara’s (your lesbian big sister) official list of insatiable spring cravings! What are yours? Message me. Purr.
1. Wanting to drink all the time.
As discussed above, I cultivate a bit of a drinkin’ problem in the spring. I’m not making light of alcoholism — (I mean have you read my harrowing tales of addiction?) I’m simply pointing out that my desire to binge drink escalates when the weather gets warmer. I’d like to say it’s because New York City is so damn pretty in the spring and all those cute little brasseries that pepper the streets of the west village are so much more delightful in May than, say, January — but that’s probably over-simplifying the issue.
The real issue, I think is rooted in dépression.
In the winter the depression can get so acute that it can actually extinguish all desire to socialize! Even if you’re a party girl lush like me, in January, you’re staying home, snuggling beneath the sheets of your cozy bed whilst wallowing in a bath of self-pity. Depression is seasonal as hell– don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But when the sun begins to shine its gorgeous rays upon our dark souls in May, it’s such a dramatic relief! We get intoxicated off all the newfound Vitamin D and feel AMAZING. We feel CAREFREE! So let’s get drinks, babe and party, babe. I mean it’s SPRING.
Rosé alllll day, bitch.
2. Wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in plain sight.
The Spring makes me horny. I sort of lose my sexuality in the winter, do you?
I mean your skin gets covered up for so many months you start to forget you have skin. You start to forget you have a body. You start to forget sex is even a thing.
And then it gets warm and starts to smell like plants GROWING, which reminds us of reproducing. And then we start to expose our bare arms and bellies and then we remember, “oh yeah, I have a body. And this body has been stagnant for too long! Let’s get laid!”
3. Wanting to f*ck off at work.
I love to write. I love to work (no, really. Working really helps me avoid the bleakness of reality). I spend most the winter hovered above a laptop typing for my life! But when the spring comes, I don’t want to type for my life. I want to lip synch for my life! I want to play! Who can focus at the sound of all those carefree birds blissfully chirping outside? Who wants to work when there are spring soirees and BBQs and summer plans to organize? Who wants to sit inside and soul-rot when the sky is as blue as a Tiffany box and the flowers are as pink as a sweet-cheeked English schoolboy?
Definitely not me.
I will be phoning it in for the entire month of May (Sorry not sorry). And then June will come and it will be so miserably hot I will not even want to brave the humid nasty molten sewer city streets and I’ll become a work-o-holic’ again! It’s the cycle of life, babe.
4. Wanting to spend, spend, spend.
Spring makes me want to avoid reality like reality is the plague. After all, spring is like, so pretty and we all know pretty is an illusion anyway. So let’s be as delusional as the picture-perfect weather and avoid the most real thing in the world: MONEY, HONEY.
Let’s forget about saving and all that boring bullshit and instead order oysters. Because what’s better than sitting outside drinking champagne and sucking down plush East Coast oysters?
(Sex. Yes. Sex. But don’t oysters and spring and sex really all go hand in hand?)
5. Wanting to fall in love with everyone and anyone in plain sight.
“I saw a beautiful girl in the park! I think it was love at first sight!”
If you find yourself falling in love at the drop of a hat during the month of May, I want you to slow down. It’s the spring talking, babe. Everything seems love-worthy when it’s slow flowery outside, but when those flowers shrivel up and the landscape is nothing but dead weeds — you won’t feel so in love, girl. So feel your love feels, but know they’ll likely fade. Fast. Like the spring. Because if we’re being real, spring is a total of three weeks, right?