I don’t know about you lezzies, queer girls, bi girls and more, but I’m so excited for the L Word reboot, my little lesbian heart can hardly stand it.
Yes, there are lots of LGBTQ characters on TV these days, but when was the last time there was an entire show dedicated to a Sapphic group of friends? Oh, I remember. 2009. The final season of our beloved L Word. That’s two years shy of a decade since we’ve been bestowed with mainstream exclusively lez TV content.
For a while I was nervous Showtime was just f*cking with our fragile dyke heads when it announced that the L Word would officially be reviving itself next year. I won’t believe it until they announce a showrunner, I smugly thought to myself. I’ve been burned by this business before, babes. I know better than to get excited about a TV series until dotted lines have been officially signed and approved by agents and lawyers, you know what I’m saying, sister?
Lucky for us, it’s happened. Yesterday Variety reported that Showtime had officially chosen a showrunner by the name of Marja-Lewis Ryan. So according to my own set of rules, I’m officially allowed to get excited about the L Word reboot. Dotted lines have been signed. We’re in the safe-zone.
“Ohhh!” They both cried in unison. And together, the three of us as a united force of queer babe nature came up with our ~dream~ L Word reboot cast. And they’re all some form of queer/bi/lez in real life.
So Move over, Bette and Tina! We got some new dramatic lezzie babes in town!
1. Sarah Paulson: The CEO power babe who is having a baby on her own.
We decided to cast our fave lady-loving actress extraordinaire as an updated, revamped, modern Bette. Only unlike Bette she doesn’t work in the arts, she slays in finance, and she’s a fierce single entity who is so independent she’s in the process of having a baby. On her own.
2. Samira Wiley: The lovable lead character we all see ourselves in.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is no modern actress quite as likeable as the darling Samira Wiley. She’s beautiful yet accessible, intense yet light-hearted; she’s the ideal multifaceted leading lady type. Which is why, after much deliberation, we’ve cast her as the lead of our “L Word” Reboot. She’s the trusty glue that holds this wild group of wayward lesbians together. She’s the Carrie Lezshaw/Alice Pieszecki of the crew (only much cooler). She writes for a popular lesbian magazine (Like our very own GO perhaps?) and is able to look at all situations with the analytical, observational eye of a true, lovably neurotic writer.
3. Sara Ramirez: The hot movie producer who seduces the young ingénue.
Oh, can’t you just imagine our girl Sara Ramirez all swagged out in a supremely sexy power suit, with a high-flutin’ Hollywood job? She definitely owns her own production company and she definitely has a sweet-faced assistant that just moved to the big bad city of Angels from the midwest. The assistant identifies as straight until she meets Ramirez and starts ~feeling feelings~ she’s never quite felt before.
I mean if anyone is going to “turn” a girl, it’s going to be a smoking hot Ramirez, am I right?
4. Evan Rachel Wood: The glamorous rich girl with the accent.
If Evan Rachel Wood isn’t in talks with Showtime to be in the L Word reboot, I’m going to hand in my lesbian content creating card (not really, but I’m trying to make a point, OK?).
Can’t you imagine the sultry Evan Rachel Wood as our seductive, posh, Helena style Brit? She has heaps of family money and takes all of her workin’ lez friends out to lavish lunches that she charges on mummy’s black AMEX (even though she’s in her 30s, this is LA, girl). Despite her cold, wealthy, inaccessible exterior, you know she’s a hopeless romantic with a heart of gold deep down, who just wants to be, like, loved, babe. Loved for who she is, NOT what’s in her bank account.
Oh and she’s going to host some killer lesbian parties in her Beverly Hills mansion, too. Start ironing your designer flannel now. There are some hot parties in your future!
5. Kristen Stewart: The swaggy f*ckgirl.
Kristen Stewart is going to have us old-school L Word fans saying “Shane who?” Stewart will play the swaggy heartbreaker, this round. The babe who looks gorgeously scruffy in her skinny-jeans and dishevelled hair and beat up leather boots. You know, the infuriatingly sexy babe who all the baby dykes covet, but can never have because she doesn’t “do relationships.” She’ll be a surefire heart-smasher with a f*ckgirl/playerish job like, DJing, bartending, playing the drums in a rock band or fixing cars or something equally pornographically sexy.
(She’ll definitely have mommy issues, too.)
6. Cara Delevingne: The tortured beautiful artist with the pesky drug habit.
She’s not Jenny (because there will only ever be one Jenny) but she’s as tortured as Jenny. She’s got demons like Jenny. She’s talented like Jenny. Meet Cara! Cara will totally play the beautiful, big-eyed painter who can’t stop doing cocaine and other drugs. Everyone wants to rescue her because she has such an intoxicating, electric energy, only she isn’t into being saved…
Oh and she definitely had a ~toxic~ past with Michell Rodriguez, the bad news DJ.
7. Michelle Rodriguez: The bad news DJ from the rival lesbian squad.
Do you remember when Papi’s crew had this epic rivalry with Shane’s L Word crew?
Well, in this rendition of the L Word, there is a similar rivalry, except Michelle Rodriguez is the leader of the other lez pack, not K Stew (Michelle even has a competitive lesbian party with that falls on the same night as K Stew’s).
And not only is Michelle a lez from a different scene, she’s a notorious bad girl who crushes innocent lesbians everywhere. She seduces women from behind the DJ booth, leads them on and convinces them that they are the sole objects of her affection. Only she’s playing. She has about sixteen girlfriends scattered across Los Angeles, alone. Twenty four scattered across the country. Fifty five scattered across the globe.
The only girl she’s ever loved is ~Cara~, the beautiful tortured artist with the pesky drug habit. Can Michelle be the one girl to save Cara from herself? Tune in to find out, my curious lez.
8. Amber Heard: The woman who has just ditched her husband to join the lez life.
Amber Heard has been married to a man for the past five years (in my fictional “L Word” story, I’m not talking about her marriage to that f*ckboy). He’s exorbitantly wealthy and provided her with the picture perfect Beverly Hills lifestyle; sports car, mansion, blood diamonds…..the works.
But Heard just couldn’t shake her attraction to women (especially after her steamy hookup with Sarah Paulson at the neighborhood Christmas Party). She’s so hot for other ladies she decides to leave her comfortable life behind and enter the wild and wonderful world of ~lesbians~. She’s working for the first time in years (at “The Planet,” duh) and though her lavish lifestyle isn’t so lavish anymore, she’s a woman coming into her own and finding her voice.
9. Amber Rose: Feminist Stripper and Co-Owner of “The Planet.”
Amber Rose’s character is the radical feminist, bisexual stripper who is currently in the process of creating a union for Los Angeles County Strippers. She’s opinionated, tough and hard to win over (but super fabulous). She co-owns “The Planet” with her ex-wife, played by Laverne Cox. Though they’re divorced, they’re not only running a business together, they’re co-parenting together…Can you smell the dyke drama? I sure can!
10. Angelina Jolie: The older closeted lesbian who sexily appears from time to time.
Angie clearly has a very busy schedule and about 10,000 children, so we don’t expect her to be a full-time cast member, rather a recurring character, ala Roseanna Arquette.
Angie is married to a businessman but swoops in from time to time to f*ck with K Stew’s head. The only woman that makes K Stew weak in the knees? The impossible-to-get Angie, of course. Because the only girls that f*ckgirls want are girls they can’t have, baby. You know this drill. I know this drill. We all know this damn drill.
11. Megan Fox: The narcissistic Hollywood actress everyone loves to hate.
Megan Fox is our new Niki Stevens.
After all, this takes place in Hollywood, honey, and it’s not Hollywood without a green-juice guzzling, wildly narcissistic actress. Megan is our celesbian character, who is making a splash starring in Sarah Ramirez’s new movie, “Les Dykes.” Naturally, she’s sleeping with the whole town and cultivating girl drama everywhere she goes!
12. Ellen Page: The young innocent ingénue from the midwest.
Ellen Page will play our porcelain-skinned newbie, a little softball lez who just moved to the big bad city from a small town in the midwest. Though she’s clearly gay (she was the captain of the soccer team in college) she’s only just now realizing it. She’s the eager-to-please assistant to Sarah Ramirez and, of course, the two embark upon a scandalous affair. About mid-way through season one, innocent Ellen Page isn’t quite so innocent anymore.
13. Rutina Wesley: The bohemian LA native, a legend in the queer scene.
Rutina Wesley (welcome to the team, babes!) is the only actual Los Angeles native in the crew. Born and raised in SoCal, she’s the most authentically boho queer babe of them all. Though she owns her own yoga studio in Silverlake and is super health conscious, she’s still a surefire party girl. She’s been on the scene since she was a teenager and is the perfect wingman to our girl Samira Wiley. She lives in a killer loft and makes a mean smoothie for her (many) one-night-stands the morning after…
14. Laverne Cox: The mother hen of the group who co-owns “The Planet.”
Laverne Cox is the modern Kit Porter in the reboot. She serves as the face of “The Planet” where all the ladies start their day each morning (did that seem ambitious to anyone else?). She bestows all of her customers with kindness and everyone absolutely loves her. She was a famous child actress who had a brief stint in rehab in her early 20s but is now clean and sober, running the beloved lez coffee shop with her ex-wife Amber Rose. The two have a beautiful son that they’re co-parenting together, though they’re constantly fighting about how to run the business and how to rear their son in Trump’s America!
So that’s my ~dream~ cast, what’s yours?
15. Ruby Rose: The random one night stand who destroys a relationship.
Ruby Rose. Oh, Ruby Rose. Can’t you just see her being some sort of sexy construction worker who has wild sex with a married lesbian, who inevitably gets caught in the act by her powerhouse wife (played by Sarah Paulson)? Then we can enjoy three seasons of the married couple contemplating divorce as Ruby the life-ruiner merely fades into the background and is never to be seen again?