So you met a fab girl on Tinder. Your one night stand turned into dating. Your dating turned into a relationship. You’re shook that you want to spend so much time with this girl but you love it. Suddenly I becomes we. All the cool vacation spot videos on FB that you tag you flakey ass friends in seem like an actual possibility with bae. You book a trip. Think of the romance! The adventure! Then think of the anxiety because you’re a crazy girl (hint: the best kind) at heart.
15. We’re going to miss our flight.
^ My girlfriend while I frantically shove more spray tan cans into my luggage while the Uber has already arrived.
If you have time anxiety (or are perpetually late) by yourself, that’s one thing. It’s another thing to show your partner how neurotic you are. Your airport arrival time can actually make or break a relationship.
14. Our relationship is going to implode.
What if we don’t like each other after this trip is over? Oh god, do we even really know each other? Eventually, we have to break up or get married. The pressure is too much. What’s the point of relationships anyway? We’re doomed.
13. I can’t f*cking emotionally or mentally handle airports.
Nothing riles up my anxiety like airports. Okay, I know that everyone is anxious in an airport but my shit is on another level. Remembering to take off shoes, hat, jacket (a femme never abandons her accessories, not even for the TSA), remove laptop, pour out water bottle, pray to God my vibrator doesn’t get confiscated– all while being shuffled along and told to hurry up is enough to set to set me into hyperventilating, which is not sexy. It’s embarrassing how immobilized I get from my anxiety– until I realized that I could pull the disability card and get treated like a straight up QUEEN in airports, but that’s for another essay.
12. I am going to sweat profusely.
I met my girlfriend in winter. She doesn’t know that I sweat profusely– mainly because I have 26 inches of hair extensions hanging down my back at all times and wear heeled boots year round– but going to a warmer climate means that I’m going to have to remain calm and collected while I feel the sweat droplets run down and my foundation starts to leak. Hot.
11. She’s going to find out I’m not “chill” and rely on wine to calm me down.
Acting like you’re totally normal is doable in the few hour span of a date– but on vacation, you can’t hide crazy. You don’t get a private moment in your apartment before she comes over to cry over a laundry detergent commercial or get lost in a weird Instagram rabbit hole of your ex’s cousin’s mom’s bowling partner’s dog. You don’t have a glass of wine at all times like on dates to calm you down. You don’t get to go to your obscenely expensive Flywheel class to keep your body dysmorphic demons at bay.
But that’s okay. She’s gonna see all this crazy shit eventually. Might as well let it be somewhere with Palm Trees and Piña coladas.
10. How TF am I going to maintain a spray tan?
I don’t have my roommates or BFFS around to touch up my spray tan. We all know that chlorine and salt water shorten the life of spray tans but I can’t let her know that I would willingly sacrifice the most fun parts of vacation to look pretty– she can’t know I’m that sick in the head and vain.
9. Are my lashes going to fall out?
Yes, they are. And she probably won’t even notice so don’t stress. And if you’re in Las Vegas by chance, don’t go to the hotel convenience store for Ardell lashes because they cost $20.
8. What if she gets sick of me?
This is a real anxiety. And you know what? It might happen. But that’s okay. If you spend every waking moment with anyone, you might get sick of them. If it doesn’t happen, you’re still in the honeymoon phase, which is great. If it does, no worries. Just give each other orgasms until you can tolerate each other’s neuroses again.
7. Where am I going to poop?
OK everything on this list is child’s play compared to this one. Honestly, 1-15 could be about my intestinal problems but I like to maintain SOME sexiness when talking about anxiety. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t poop in the morning I feel bloated all day and want to die. BUT if I am anxious or somewhere unfamiliar, I get constipated.
TALK ABOUT ANXIETY.
I want to be focused on sex and bikinis when I’m on vacay with my girl, not bowel movements. But that’s life. So devise a plan: bring Miralax and every morning, leave bae in bed while you “go get coffee” AKA go blow up the lobby bathroom.
6. What if we want to do different things?
What if I want to lie around, binge drink, and take selfies and she wants to like, go sightseeing? Now is an also good time to tell your girlfriend you expect her to be your Instagram photographer since your bestie isn’t here.
5. What if the plane crashes?
Truth: I am embarrassingly scared of flying. Every time a plane takes off I convince myself that I’m dying. On the way to Dinah, my girlfriend was sitting a row across and ahead of me. Every time she looked back I was silently sobbing and mouthing “I love you” to her. Me? Dramatic?
On the way back I had a panic attack so severe that the woman next to me held my hand and let me watch Big Little Lies with her on her iPad.
4. No seriously where am I going to poop?
I don’t even know why I’m wasting time on this list when all I really worry about is going to the f*cking bathroom. Because now that me and my girlfriend have survived a hotel vacation, we’re up-ing the romance and intimacy ante and doing an Airbnb vacation. The problem with this, you ask? No hotel lobby bathroom to escape to. I need a Xanax just thinking about it.
3. I need pool extensions plus everyday extensions.
My girlfriend is going to find out I’m even more ridiculous and high maintenance than she thought. I have separate packs of hair for all different actives.
2. Gas X and other embarrassing rituals.
Yes, I pop Gas X before bed. It’s my anxiety ritual. So is slathering myself in overnight tan cream that smells and turns hotel sheets orange. Sorry, you’re trapped with me now.
1. Having anxiety about her seeing how much anxiety you have.
Ever get in an anxiety spiral because you’re anxious that you’re so anxious? And you
get anxious that your partner is going to leave you because you’re so anxious? Good times. You need a vacation just for surviving your vacation.
Let’s do a weekend in the Hamptons?