The Seasoned Lesbian’s Guide To Making It Through WorldPride Without Blacking Out, Weeping Or Losing Your Phone

Just say NO to SHOTS.

I don’t know about you, but I happen to be an ~extremely~ seasoned lez who has attended many a New York City Pride event in her sweet little lifetime.

 

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As a flaming lesbian, I naturally love, love, love, love Pride week. The energy in the city is so magical it goddamn glitters. Plus, it’s one of the few times our entire community—regardless of age—regardless of identity—regardless of “window-dressing”—actually gets together to celebrate.

However—

With all the fabulous parties, intense vibrations, and squeals of unabashed excitement that come along with NYC Pride, one can find themselves a tad, uh, overwhelmed. Verklempt. And, seeing as the unabashed excitement is going to ultra-magnified because it’s WORLDPRIDE |STONEWALL 50 this wonderfully crazy year, it’s important that you come up with a ~game plan~ to keep you from getting too lost in the wild sparkle.

Lucky for you, my darling dearest, I have made all the rookie Pride mistakes and am here to help prevent YOU from doing the same. Here is my official guide to keeping it cool at pride.

1. Hydrate.

Here’s what you need to drink every single morning for weeks and weeks before WorldPride: 40 ounces of water with a half of a lemon and a pinch of pink Himalayan salt. That little dash of Himalayan salt will provide you with natural electrolytes that will ensure you remain deeply hydrated. Chugging the water the morning before the parade isn’t going to cut it; you need to actually prep your body for the plethora of booze and sun and sweat you’re going to encounter.

2. Wear goddamn sunscreen.

Chances are you’ll be drinking your face off and wearing skimpy clothes—it is ~June~ after all. Unless you want to look and feel like a fried lobster, lube up with a hefty squirt of good ol’ sunscreen. Because, if you drink whilst sunburnt, you’ll end up crying and making an asshat of yourself. Trust me—this I know from personal experience. Nothing good comes from drinking without sunscreen. Go with SPF 50 and reapply that shit every two hours (set a timer on your phone if you want to preserve your skin, darling).

3. Say NO to SHOTS! 

Implement a rule right now that you will not accept shots of any kind during Pride. You’ll be drinking enough; you truly, truly don’t need to add shots into the equation. Unless you want to blackout. Which you don’t, because blacking-out is extremely dangerous and leads to intense next-day shame, and Pride should never be associated with the toxicity of shame of all things.

4. Makeout with everyone, fight with no one.

Pride is not the time to be prim; it’s the time to celebrate love. What’s a better celebration of love than a giant kiss on les lips?

So kiss to your heart’s content, but don’t fight. Don’t get snarky. Don’t get bitchy if that baby gay accidentally cuts you when you’re stuck in a line at the bar. Let it go. Every time you’re fueled with the burning desire to fight, kiss someone instead.

5. Wear something that makes you feel like YOU.

I hate when people write Pride guides instructing us to wear flats and fanny packs and other practical bullshit (gag). Pride is a celebration of sexuality, and our sexuality lies at the very core of who we are! So, now is the time to truly dress as yourself! Maybe that’s a rainbow crop top and distressed denim jeans, maybe it’s sky-high heels, maybe it’s a suit, maybe it’s Birkenstocks and flannel.

Don’t listen to anyone. Do. You.

6. Every time you take your credit card out, be mindful to put that shit back in your wallet right away.

Don’t do what I do: Whip out your card, recklessly buy everyone in plain sight a round of drinks and then toss that card back into my purse where it gets lost in the gaping void that swallows belongings from purses, never to be seen again.

A cab driver won’t think it’s cute after they’ve driven you across town in traffic, only to find out you’ve misplaced your credit card.

7. Have a special pocket in your purse for your phone.

Just like your card, don’t go tossing your phone around recklessly. Have a designated section/pocket in your bag to cradle your beloved cellphone. You want to be able to capture the rainbow speckled glory that is WORLDPRIDE, not be stressed out about your missing phone!

8. Fall in love without worrying.

Let yourself catch feelings! Even if they’re just Pride feelings that will dissipate the next day—indulge in them. The beauty of Pride lies in the fleeting passionate Pride love affairs we embark on when we’re untethered! ‘Cause one day you’ll be married like moi, and you won’t be able to have passionate Pride affairs. Embrace your singleness, babes. You might be U-Hauled by next Pride!

9. SMILE.

I don’t care how hip you are. I don’t care if you live in a million dollar loft in Greenpoint. I don’t care if you’re so hip you were born on the streets of Portland.

Worldpride is not the time to act all cool and aloof, hipster darling. We’re celebrating the anniversary of Stonewall! Our elders put their lives on the line so we can love freely. Smile. It’s disrespectful to pout at Pride.

10. Leave your baggage out of New York City.

Have issues with gay men? Annoyed with millennial queers? Get over yourself! Leave your issues within our community in the dark hole of the internet and do not contaminate this wonderful festival of free expression with spitefulness. 

11. Tip the bartenders.

It is wholly hard to bartend during Pride. Tip your bartenders. They are busting their asses in order to keep your lovely self perfectly, gorgeously, wonderfully buzzed.

12. Be a positive BEAM of light!

Radiate positive energy everywhere you go. When we all radiate positive energy, that energy goes into the universe and empowers baby gays all across the world who are currently being bullied in their shitty towns. Trust me, when I was a bullied baby gay I used to feed off the good vibes of Pride! It got me through the remains of the harrowing school year!

13. Politely smile at your ex, even if you hate her guts.

If I see ONE lesbian getting into a fist fight with their ex’s new girlfriend, I’m going to become straight. Seriously. Now is not the time to duke it out over petty drama! Be classy, smile, and plug into the loving vibrations of Worldpride.

14. If your friend likes someone don’t go home with that person.

I understand that we’re all horny as hell and all of these lesbian parties are teeming with wild gay hormones. However, if your friend has a crush on a little hottie, just back off and find another little hottie to get down and dirty with. It’s bad karma to hurt a fellow queer’s feelings by sleeping with someone they have proclaimed to be crushing on during Pride. Save your sketchy behavior for next weekend, honey.

15. If your friend goes home with someone you like, let it go.

Be. The. Bigger. Person. That is the mantra for Pride. Think of it as paying respect to those who fought for us.

16. Don’t drink beer if you have a weak bladder.

The lines to the bathroom will be long and intense, trust me. Lay off the beer if you’re an incessant pee-er like me. Beer opens the floodgates to the bladder. It unleashes the river. It breaks the f*cking seal.

17. Don’t worry about the way you look, plug into the fun. 

Don’t spend Pride week feeling ugly and comparing yourself to the bevy of Instagram models that will be flitting about town. You’re gorgeous, babe. You’re stunning. I, for one, am completely obsessed with you. So, stop fretting about the way you look and plug into the glorious fun that is Pride!

18. Pick up a big, fat copy of GO Magazine! 

GO Mag’s amazing WorldPride print issue will be all over the city! Pick one up and devour it with your hungry eyes. It’s hot. It’s informative. It’s a legend. Purr.

 

 

 


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