Look, babes, I get it. I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t this a lesbian magazine?! In a world with hardly ANY lesbian representation, why did I click into an article made up of advice from gay men? I don’t need the help of a man to get me through anything.”
Oh, I hear you ladies. Mansplaining is the last thing we all need, in these dark political times.
However, a few breakups ago, when I was in the absolute darkest depths of post-heartbreak despair a gay boy saved my life with his refreshing perspective.
“Girl. Get out of bed, take a goddamn shower and let’s go out for some Champagne! Enough of this crying nonsense! We’re going to go out and celebrate the fact that you’re a free, strong, single woman, now.” My sweet gay purred, dragging me out of bed with his perfectly exfoliated/perfectly manicured hands.
“Nooo!” I cried. “I need to cry this out.” I wrangled my unshowered body out of his gentle grip and threw the dirty duvet over my tear-stained, puffy face.
The boy looked at me. Like really looked at me. Long and hard, with more passion than Joan Crawford in the heat of her prime! He batted his lashes. I stared at them, suddenly transfixed. They looked like gorgeous Venus flytraps. “Zara. Get. Up. Now. I’ve already chosen an outfit for you and the shower is running. Get in, bitch!”
I peeled my body out of bed and did as I was told.
And it was the best breakup advice I had ever received in my entire life. No one had ever said, “Listen, bitch get in the shower and let’s rejoice in your singleness” to me ever, before. Suddenly I framed my breakup in a whole new way. I was no longer heartbroken! This was meant to be, a sign from the wise Universe that my ex wasn’t “the one” and that I needed to embrace the ~solitary existence~ for a little while.
So today, inspired by the amazing gay boy advice I received in my sordid, heartbroken past, I asked some of my favorite gays to weigh in. “What’s your best breakup advice for us lesbians?” I asked them. And girl, did they answer!
However, this is a surefire lez magazine, so don’t you worry your pretty Sapphic heart. I gave my two cents too (I’ll never turn down the opportunity to lezplain).
So tell me, babes? Who gave better advice? The boys, or me…. the heart-smashed lesbian?
Donny Meacham advises cutting off all communication…
“Getting over breakups are hard for everyone and we all deal with them differently. I take the more hardened route. I give myself a day to watch Greys Anatomy and cry a little over what went wrong. Then I snap out of it. I realize that there was a reason the relationship didn’t work out. Sounds cliche, but we all do deserve to be with someone who makes us happy. I do go a little drastic and hide their Instagram stories from my timeline and hide their profile from Facebook. Seeing them only sparks a hurt that I’m trying to get over. Communication is all but cut off. People find this harsh, but for me, space is exactly what I need to move forward. Lastly, I do get back on Grindr or text an old hookup and have casual sex. This doesn’t necessarily help in the long run, but it helps for tonight and that is all I need in order to take day by day on the road to repairing my feelings!”
The Lesbian weigh in: Cutting off communication is stellar advice, though it can be hard for us lezzies because our scene is often stiflingly small. We would have to block every lesbian this side of the Mississipi if we wanted to never see our exes on social media. Great advice in theory though, babe! However, I am a huge believer that getting back on Tinder or Her (the closest lesbian equivalents to Grindr) is fantastic. Women need to be having more casual sex with each other, it’s empowering! We need to be reminded that we are capable of having sexual feelings for someone, other than our toxic ex! Though I will confess: I’m a slut, so this is coming from a slutty lesbian’s perspective. Some girls (I hear) need to heal before hooking up with someone new (I wonder what that’s like?).
Eric Neville recommends loads Vodka (and Carley Rae Jepson)…
“Vodka. Carley Rae Jepsen. And then get over it. Always bigger and better things.”
The Lesbian weigh in: I would say this is excellent advice only I would substitute vodka for tequila (it’s less of a depressant) and Cary Rae Jepson with The Indigo Girls. Oh, and if you don’t drink, substitute booze for astrology. It’s a nice distraction and gives you a falsified feeling of self-control, just like alcohol.
Brian Charria says crying is healing…
“Cry it out! Lots and lots of friend time, too. Love yourself and do the things you always loved to do as a single person. Think about what you learned from the relationship. Also, a lot of whiskeys.”
The Lesbian weigh in: This is the most lesbionic advice I’ve ever heard in my life, and now I’m pretty convinced Brian Charria is a bigger lesbian than I am. (And I’m so gay I smoke rainbow colored cigarettes and bleed dental dams).
Wyatt Anderson says surround yourself with very positive and uplifting people….
“Surround yourself with as many positive and uplifting people as you possibly can. People cope with breakups differently but for me, I didn’t want to be alone crying and drowning in my sorrows. I would much rather be with my friends and loved ones, and if I need to cry at least I had my friends around to give me a shoulder to cry on, as opposed to crying alone at home. After a breakup was also great reflecting time for me. Eventually, you get over the heartbreak, and you move on, but through that entire process you learn so much about yourself.”
The Lesbian weigh in: I fully agree with everything Mr. Wyatt Anderson has to say. Breakups are like facials with extractions, they pull out all of the toxins that have been sitting under the surface of our skin. It’s painful, and it first our face looks even worse. But after a few weeks, your skin emerges brighter and clearer than ever. Wait? Is weird that the lesbian is using a skincare analogy over the gay boy?
“I mean, not that I was tagged or anything (lol) HOWEVER, take some time for yourself! I’d say a month or two, then get your ass back on the apps (since our community is teeny tiny) and hope for the best, (or go to the bars, which I don’t do) but apparently, that can help.”
The Lesbian weigh in: For the record, all gay boys to ever exist were tagged, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m a girl who is in favor of getting back out on the scene pretty quickly after a breakup. You need to get outside, breathe the fresh air and meet people! However, this can be depressing if you’ve already dated everyone in your local gay scene. If that’s the case, I say move.
Rafiq Ah recommends getting under someone…
“The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one. But it all depends on the level of relationship you were at.”
The Lesbian weigh in: As someone who often gets under people to get over people, I’ll say this: Having sex to distract you from your pain is like putting a pretty band-aide over an ugly wound. It’s not going to heal your heartbreak, but it will cover it up and make you forget about it for awhile. But eventually the band-aide will peel off, and you’ll be reminded of how dire and dark and grotesque your wound is.
In short, go for it, but it’s not going to stitch back together your broken heart.
Owen Gould recommends crying and antidepressants….
“Lots of ugly crying. Calls to Mom at 2am. Friends who’ll listen, comfort and talk you off the ledge when you tell them “your life is over.” And in my case a good antidepressant.”
The Lesbian weigh in: While antidepressants may or may not be in order, I highly recommend going to a professional to help you get to the root of why you’re so broken up over this person. And ugly crying? Oh, honey! You can never get over anything without letting yourself ugly cry to the point of sporting a puffy face for two months.
Brian Craft recommends lots of mom time…
“Yes. Lots of mom. Back in the day of dating, I’d go a week without talking to my mom, then the second I’d be going through a break up I would call her non-stop just to chat, never anything about the breakup, just life. I’d be that guy on the train talking to his mom and then alerting her mid-sentence ‘about to go underground! Love you!'”
The Lesbian weigh in: I agree with “lots of mom” but “mom” doesn’t have to be your actual mom if you weren’t blessed with a maternal, warm mom. Find a “mom” figure, whether it’s an older lez, a sweet gay boy, an aunt, a mentor or cuddly friend and let yourself crawl into their (proverbial) wombs. Sometimes all you need is someone to tell you-you’re gorgeous and that everything is going to be FINE, and that’s the job of the mom figure.
Joshua Beadle proves that gay boys struggle to get over people too…
“I haven’t been able to get over it yet.”
The Lesbian weigh in: It’s nice to know that gay boys get their hearts crushed too, but I think Josh needs to read this article, brush up on his breakup tips, and get the hell over it, because he’s f*cking fierce.