Breaking up is hard, and is it just me, or is a lesbian breakup even harder than others? In a lesbian breakup, your partner is more likely to be your BFF in addition to your friend, and you’re more likely to see them around or even remain friends with them after they rip your heart out of your chest and make a necklace out of it.
Breaking up will never be a fun activity. Spontaneously crying on the floor after hearing that song that reminds you of her is just part of the deal. However, there are some things that actually make a lesbian breakup WAY worse. Like texting her 24/7 as if you never broke up while she proceeds to move on and date other people right in front of your face — just for example.
Time heals all wounds eventually, even if it takes literally five years. Avoid these six no-nos to save yourself from dragging out your healing process for any longer than it needs to be.
Try to be BFFs immediately.
I know, I know — we’re gay, so we have to befriend our exes, right? Wrong. You actually never have to be friends with your ex if you don’t want to! And even if you do want to be friends eventually, you shouldn’t try to hop right into a friendship 24 hours after the lesbian breakup.
In most cases, it’s important to take some time and space away from each other before you reunite as friends. This gives you the room to mourn the breakup and get used to the new state of your relationship. Trying to be friends too soon will blur the lines, make it more difficult to actually let go of each other, and re-open old wounds over and over. Are you really ready to hear your ex vent about her new f*ck buddies? No? Then you’re not ready to be friends.
Having “ex sex.”
The only thing that will blur the lines even more than a so-called friendship is EX SEX, also known as sex with your ex. Look, we’ve all done it. We will all continue to do it. But there comes a point when your ex is truly your ex and it’s time to move on — and then you need to stop sleeping with each other. It’s confusing, misleading, and occasionally ends in tears. Plus, it may lead to you accidentally getting back together by default, which is almost never a good idea right away.
Stalking their social media.
The best medicine for a lesbian breakup is going no-contact — don’t see or speak to them AT ALL for a set period of time. It feels horrible at first, but it really does speed up the healing process.
Unfortunately, social media complicates this a bit. Even if you’re not actually communicating with your ex, you may find yourself compulsively checking their Instagram or Twitter profiles to see what they’re up to. Are they seeing anyone new? Are they happy?
Social media is misleading, though. You’re pretty much always going to be hurt or annoyed by what you see on your ex’s profile. Just like you, they are trying to move on and be as normal as possible. It’s not a reflection on you at all — and it’s best if you just don’t lurk in the first place. Block their profiles if you must, or delete the apps altogether for a bit.
With all of those sad ~feelings~ it’s easy to assume that you’ll feel better or get more closure if you just talk about the breakup more. And then some more. And then some MORE. Literally, the processing could go on forever if you let it. It can definitely be helpful to hash things out with your former partner, especially after you both have some distance and perspective. But it’s also possible to way over-do it, leading to feelings of frustration and exhaustion.
Before you talk to your ex about anything lesbian breakup related, think: What exactly are you hoping to get out of this conversation? Do you actually need to talk to this person to get it? Often, we think that if our exes just said the right things, we would feel better about losing them. But breakups hurt no matter what, and you can’t force people to say the right things.
Rather than meeting up with your ex for “coffee” for the 20th time, try journaling. Write all of those feelings down for yourself, rather than sharing them with your ex.
Make people pick sides.
If you and your ex have mutual friends, that adds yet another element of difficulty — especially if the breakup was a rough one. You may be so angry at your ex that you can’t understand why your friends would still want to hang out with them. Or you may feel like your ex is spreading negative rumors about you to your friends. There are endless levels of mess to these situation!.
Underneath it all, there’s often a desire for your friends to pick your side instead of your crappy ex’s. In some situations (such as abuse) that may be totally called for. But in many cases, it’s easier if you stop thinking of a breakup in terms of “sides” and start thinking of it as an issue of incompatibility. Just because you didn’t work out romantically with someone, doesn’t make them a horrible friend to other people. There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser here. Trying to force your friends to pick sides will only make things harder and more awkward for everyone.
You should, however, totally figure out how to take space from your ex while also maintaining your friendships. Chat with your friends about how you’re feeling and what you need. Friends are essential to a lesbian breakup!
Rebound with your pal.
We completely condone the art of the rebound fling. However! Things can get truly messy if you try to rebound with someone else in your friend group. Not only will your ex definitely find out and feel weird, but you’ll also have to see the new fling around forever. This is the definition of sh*tting where you eat. Obviously there are limited gay women to go around, but IF YOU CAN, try to find a random stranger to casually bang, instead of your friend.
Now go forth and cry into your wine in peace! The lesbian breakup gets better eventually.