Dear Lesbians, Do Not Text Your Ex Just Because You’re Lonely AF This Holiday Season

We can resist together.

Ah, The Holidays. A time of eating everything in sight and triggering your body dysmorphia. A time of spending money you don’t have to prove to people you care about them. A time of being forced together with your family. Not to be dramatic, but sometimes The Holidays can make you feel like shit. Add that to the layer of sentimental ~feelings~ that inevitably creep into your heart, and you’re basically a basket case. And a basket case thinks that reaching out to their ex during The Holidays is a rational thing to do. I’m here to tell you that it’s not.

Since I am a self-proclaimed Jenny Schecter fan-girl (AKA a little crazy), what I’m about to say might shock you: I’ve never reached out to an ex after breaking up. I’m so stubborn and prideful that even if I am plagued with thoughts of an ex, they will not hear from me under any circumstance.  I’m usually the one on the receiving end. Something about snowfall and Mariah Carey and capitalism and shortbread cookies make people realize I was the best thing that’s ever happened to them. It’s a blessing and a curse.

When I get these messages, aside from feeling annoyed, confused, and judge-y, I feel slightly affirmed. But it never ends well because I know if an ex is messaging me during the holidays, they are not thinking clearly.

Bitch, I hate getting seated at the kids’ table as an adult because I’m single just as much as you, but I still try not to go off the deep-end and text you! Have the same respect for me! I’ll think to myself.

So I never reached out to an ex during the holiday season. But this year…I want to. The holiday blues finally got to me (I blame Donald Trump and the looming threat of fascism) and I’m just ~ITCHING~ to text an ex. Like, obsessing, really. I’m about to snap.

So I’m going to work through this for you, dear reader, but also for myself. If you’re tempted to text an ex, I know what you’re going through. And we can resist together. Take my spray-tanned hand, and let me lead you down a holigay path of not-texting-an-ex.

1. Figure out why you’re tempted.

Questions to ask yourself: Who is this really for? Is it even about my ex? Or is it about me?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: If you come to the conclusion you’re sending the text for yourself (to alleviate guilt about the way your relationship ended, to satisfy your curiosity about their life, etc), do something for yourself that doesn’t involve another person. Might I suggest reading a poem? Perhaps this Warsan Shire one that I like to read when I’m feeling ~vulnerable.~

2. Acknowledge that you might just be thirsty for attention.

Questions to ask yourself: Are you reaching out for their attention? Or attention in general? Do you want to be sexually validated? Do you just want to see your phone light up?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: Post a thirst trap.

Photo by Urban Dictionary

3. Maybe it’s just the weather.

Questions to ask yourself: If the weather was warm and you were slugging back margaritas on a Brooklyn rooftop, would you still want to text them? Are you just in need of a snuggle buddy?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: Get a heated blanket. Then plan a fun night with your friends. Might I suggest one of these lit AF queer parties?

4. Masturbate before further considering.

Questions to ask yourself: Are you sexually frustrated? Do you miss the person or do you miss the sex? Is sex worth the emotional drama? Are you even being fair by reaching out if you’re motivated by your horniness?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: watch porn. Try out this luxurious lesbian princess vibrator. Or hit up one of the many bars and clubs teeming with hot single lesbians.

5. It’s time to date– just not your ex.

Questions to ask yourself: Are you really just missing human-connection? Do you miss dinners, talking for hours, and having crippling anxiety before dates?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: Ask one of your tinder matches out. I’m sure you have plenty that you’ve been too shy to message. Now is the time, my love.

6. Hang out with someone equally as alone, miserable, and confused. 

Questions to ask yourself: Have I shut my friends out? Would I feel better if I had someone to vent to, and a vodka soda? Have I talked with my friends about how I’m feeling?

An alternative to texting the dreaded ex: Look, we are all feeling either like jolly assholes, or like total shit. You can easily find someone else in your general vicinity that feels equally as empty inside during the holidays. Have a drink with them and laugh. Sometimes you just gotta make fun of your misery. Or numb it with booze.

You can do this, babes, I promise. And you will be proud of yourself for entering the new year, without bringing any extra baggage from the past.