Lesbian dating is hard, you guys. If it’s not hard for you, you’re probably a Shane. In which case, congrats! You’re a babe magnet.
However, if you’re like me, and get a little ~nervous~ around the ladies, especially when it comes to deciphering who is queer, then online dating is where it’s at. When I swipe right, I usually get liked back. “How,” you ask? Maybe it’s because I look way better in pictures than I do in person. Or maybe it’s because I am a Tinder expert (self-proclaimed, but still).
I present to you, my tips for racking up the matches.
1. Swipe right for everyone.
Yes, everyone. You know that feeling when you get drunk with power when you see it’s a match! Ah yes, more of that feeling, please! Once, at a party, I watched a frat boy arbitrarily swiping right. He wasn’t even looking at his phone! Wtf, I thought, at first. But then I thought, genius.
After you garner your matches, you can weed through and unmatch the ones you don’t like. But it’s a win-win. You’ll get more matches and get the instant rush from matching (which in turn will raise your ego! Yay!). A match you wouldn’t have originally swiped for might impress you by the first message they send. A lesson in not judging book by its cover, if you will. If you get a message from someone you don’t like, no pressure, just unmatch!
2. Put effort into your profile!
It’s cool to seem ~mysterious~ and upload only one picture and no bio, but then how is someone supposed to message you? I’m personally so over the apathetic Brooklyn lesbians that barely say anything (just kidding I still get wet for those types). Give the ladies something to work with when writing your bio: List your fave music, food, artist, etc. First line openers are easier when you have something to go off of other than pictures. Add a Spotify song so potential matches can converse with you about music! Upload pictures of you doing what you like to do. Including but not limited to: drinking rosé, taking gratuitous sexy selfies, eating sushi and binge-watching any Netflix show with a vaguely queer storyline.
3. Put effort into reading your potential bae’s profile!
What do they like? This will make it easier for you to message them something meaningful. Compliments on physical appearance are nice but it leads to more conversation when someone says I like burgers too! Where’s your fav spot?
4. Make your distance limit longer and age requirement higher so you have more potential matches.
What’s wrong with a sugar momma that has to travel a bit to see you? Nothing, that’s what.
5. Skip to the date!
To avoid getting stuck in a loop of “hey-what’s-up-not-much-you,” try asking your date out sooner than you normally would. What’s better than a match online? A match IRL! It’s more meaningful to get to know them in person anyway. Just go for “I think you seem [complimentary adjective] and would love to grab a drink.” And bam! You have a real-life date you didn’t have to stare at your phone for weeks to get. I’m here to save you time and stress, babes!
In conclusion, swipe away, my loves. Seeing the it’s a match! notification is like seeing the golden arches of a McDonald’s sign when you’re drunk in an uber: a beacon of hope. Swipe till your thumb hurts! Or until you run out of swipes and have to wait 12 hours.
Or does that only happen to me?