My girlfriend is a part-time belly dancer at a vegan restaurant. I always go to watch her dance and sometimes when she really gets into the dance, she has orgasms on stage. They are not really big ones or anything, but because I know how she acts and the sounds she makes when she has one, it kind of embarrasses me. And when I’ve talked to her about it, she says I am overreacting and that no one else notices. She also says I am just jealous because she can get off without my help. Am I being a prude about this and wouldn’t anyone get a little jealous?
—Her Hips Do Lie
You know, when I first read this I thought it was fake, but then I remembered my bi-weekly orgasm at Joann Fabrics. (So many Martha Stewart punch-around-the-page combo-crochet loops!)
Let’s get one thing out of the way now, shall we, because I really care about you. You are jealous. But who wouldn’t be? If I could orgasm from putting on a fringed sari and wocka wocka-ing next to plates of textured vegetable protein, do you think I’d be sitting here in my eccentric-mom pants giving advice to strangers?
The real issue is this: You’re not thrilled about your girlfriend getting off in the company of strangers, especially since such things typically do not occur in the presence of others, unless a particularly moving rerun of “Roseanne” is on. You might also be upset that you aren’t the one administering those orgasms, though I can’t be totally certain from your brief letter.
It’s possible your lady enjoys the thrill of exhibitionism, being sexual in a semi-public and semi-private way. She might even enjoy the fact that you’re watching her. Perhaps she is performing a little bit for you. What would happen if you viewed these sexy dances as a secret, special arrangement—a private thing between you and her? Would that alleviate some of the discomfort?
If not, and if it truly bothers you, then the easy solution is to not watch your girlfriend perform, aka the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Dwell” option. Alternately, you could be happy that she is so assured and comfortable in her sexuality and body that she can orgasm to sitar music. You could also remind yourself that, at the end of the day, she is going home with you. Lastly, you can take up a “revenge” hobby that allows you to also orgasm in public.