It’s almost Halloween, bitches. And Halloween is the most important National Gay Holiday right after Pride. On Gay-O-Ween, all the fabulous, sparkly queers get to be even more extra than they are on a daily basis, which we know is hella extra. (Today, I am wearing a strappy lace bodysuit and a fur coat at my desk.) Halloween is the best day for self-expression, over-the-top-ness, delicious cocktails, and incredible parties. Which is why you’d better BRING IT with your lesbian Halloween costume game. None of the whole throwing-on-ears-and-calling-yourself-a-cat nonsense will fly here in lesboland. Halloween costumes are a competitive sport.
I’m so excited for Halloween and so impatient to wear my ornate, slutty, chic costume that I’m having a Halloween party tomorrow. Halloween is too far away, and I want to be spooky NOW, damnit. So grab a goblet of blood-red wine, slap on some fishnets, and blast Kim Petras’ Halloween-themed album (it’s amaze!) and let’s celebrate the queerest day of the year with some queer AF, hot AF, unique AF Halloween costumes.
I present to you, dear lez, the 25 most lesbian costumes of 2018.
1. Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindy
There is nothing more Sapphic Halloween than a couples’ costume. But Piper and Alex from OITNB are played out and boooooring. Which is why you should be the infamous couple from The L Word Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindy.
Another lesbian couples’ costume that is highly underutilized. This Sapphic duo is responsible for THE BEST SONG EVER, All The Things She Said (don’t argue with me, you know I’m right). OK, fine, maybe they were performative lesbians, but they still gave us visibility and banger pop songs. They also make for a sexy ass costume. HellOooOOoo naughty school girls.
3. St. Vincent
Pop on some sunglasses, grab a guitar and watch how the gay girls swoon.
4. French Maid but make it gay
I am personally a sucker for basic sexy Halloween costumes. Sexy firefighter, sexy vampire, sexy cat, sexy bunny, I love it all, as long as it involves fishnets. French maid is my favorite. Make it gay simply by being your gay self. Maybe try this sexy little number?
Being a vegan for Halloween is easy. Just tell everyone in the room you are a vegan, even if they didn’t ask.
See above. How do you know a polyamorous queer vegan is in the room? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. To really hammer your costume home, be sure to brag about what an excellent evolved communicator you are, while not really communicating.
Latex. Whip. Purrrrr.
8. Hot Rabbit
Be the real-life embodiment of queer party favorite Hot Rabbit by sexing it up with some black bunny ears and a slinky bodysuit.
9. Performative Activism
Tell everyone at the Halloween Party that they are being violent and that their costumes offend you. Do no real work to undo systems of oppression.
10. Pulp Lesbian Novel Cover
There are so many AMAZING lesbian novels with the most AMAZING covers. Check out this list by our friends at Autostraddle, then recreate the lewks.
11. A U-Haul
The most lesbian costume of all. Add in peeing in front of everyone at the party, processing your every emotion, and fighting with the host over whether they spent too much money at Trader Joe’s on party snacks.
OK, I thought this was ridiculously clever but my coworkers were less than amused. Maybe you will be a more receptive audience. Lesbian Bed Death is the same acronym as Little Black Dress. A Little Black Dress, plus pale dead-girl makeup, plus not touching your girlfriend all night = voila! LBD.
13. Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan
RIP to my fav celesbian relationship. Commemorate the pair with early 2000s Von Dutch hats, tracksuits, cigarettes, and cocaine. OK, maybe skip the last two.
14. Madonna, Britney, and Christina
Blah blah blah performative lesbianism blah blah blah. Yes, that’s real and annoying, but it’s Halloween and lez have some fun with this ICONIC sapphic pop culture moment. You and your two queer BFFS are going to look SO F*CKING HOT in these wedding inspired attire. Good luck deciding who gets to be Madonna.
15. Tomb Raider
I actually have no idea what Tomb Raider really is, but I am grateful for this costume. Every girl looks insanely hot in it.
A vest, a pack of cigarettes, the maturity of a 14-year-old boy, plus intimacy issues. There you go.
17. Cara Delevingne in a tux
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Perhaps the best thing that has happened to us all year (and what a year it has been, am I right?) Honor this incredibly gay pop culture moment by donning a tux a la Cara at the Princess Eugenie’s Royal Wedding.
18. The toothpick in Cara Delevingne’s mouth
We all wish we could’ve been that toothpick. Now’s your chance.
19. Spoken word poet
Just start riffing on everything you see at the Halloween party with really intense anaphora and inflection.
LIFE IS this pile of candy corn never able to satiate me
LIFE IS the punch bowl filled with desire and regret
LIFE IS the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom
LIFE IS the monster mash blaring in the background
20. The two girls making out in the background of the Halloween party in Mean Girls
Perhaps the most underrated lesbian couple of modern times.
21. Janis Ian
Speaking of Mean Girls, Janis Ian is the reason I am gay. The biggest hate crime ever committed was the fact she turned out to be straight.
22. A femme saying “I’m fine”
And your partner can be the butch that keeps asking “What’s wrong?”
23. Beauty and The Beast
This is basically just an excuse to wear this amazingly sexy Belle costume from Lovehoney. Your GF really loves you if she’s down to be the beast.
Ursula, like the Badadook, is a gay icon.
25. Whatever TF you want!
Because Halloween is all about expressing yourself, babe.