Sex with former straight women.

Ask a Mental Health Professional

Dear Darcy:

I met my current (25-year-old) girlfriend last month and until then she had never been with a woman. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed showing her the ways of lesbian love-making, and judging by her recent renouncement of men, the enjoyment is mutual. To date, our sexual encounters have not included any phallic-type toys. Here’s my concern: I really enjoy having sex with a strap-on, but I’m concerned that given her inexperience with women, she’ll get creeped out if I show her this other part of me. Is there a proper way of making this introduction so that I don’t send my girlfriend running?

Are you looking for strap-on etiquette or the revised edition of The Joys of Toys? Relax. I don’t think you need either. It’s normal to be concerned that your recently-straight girlfriend might get spooked in her lesbian relationship. If she does, it will more likely result from queer fear than from strap-on fear. Your woman is 25 years old and four weeks ago she identified as playing for the other team. She’s met the penis and it didn’t send her running. Women renounce men for many reasons, and it’s usually deeper than penis-avoidance.  Regardless of whether she’s enjoyed penetration in the past, sex with a woman (even with a strap-on) isn’t the same as hetero sex with a man, and I caution you against seeing the two as analogous.

Maybe I’m over simplifying the issue. Is it possible that your concern isn’t about creeping her out, but rather about you becoming freaked out? This could be your way of processing conflicting feelings about becoming serious with her. After all, it sort of conjures up images of castration anxiety. Or maybe it’s just about sex.

Here’s the bottom line: You’ve got the girl. She wants you. And if her reaction to your sexuality is negative, let her step aside and make room for a more deserving partner.

E-mail questions to or call 212-604-0144
Dr. Darcy Smith received her Masters degree from Columbia University and her Ph.D. from New York University. She has been a practicing social worker for over 10 years and is in private practice in both New York City and New Jersey.

*By submitting questions, the writer acknowledges that she has no rights of confidentiality and that her question or a version thereof may be printed in GO Magazine.  Correspondence between Dr. Darcy Smith and a writer does not constitute a therapeutic relationship and such a relationship and the rights/privileges associated with such can only be established through a scheduled, in-person session.

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