Ask Shavon Naté, Certified Sex Therapist

Shavon Naté is a LCSW, an AASECT-certified Sex Therapist and a NYC-based psychotherapist. She is a Gottman-trained couples therapist and workshop leader. She specializes in working with those within the LGBTQ/QI 2-S+ spectrum, GNC/Non-Binary, Ballroom, BDSM/Kink, differently-abled/ASD/neuroatypical or with an intellectual/emotional disability community. She provides a strength-based therapeutic approach for clients to explore their unique identities and desires. Visit thegaddyvibe.com for more information about her private practice. 

I’m monogamous and dating a polyamorous person I really like. How do I manage my jealousy and insecurity?

This is a very popular question, as the majority of my clients are orbiting around the poly lifestyle. Jealousy and insecurity often carry shame because they tend to be labeled as “negative” or “low vibrational” emotions. Many people hide them, but they deserve attention and care.

From a sociological perspective, every human, even at their earliest age, experiences jealousy. Even in childhood, we have all felt it in some form. But most of us are not taught to talk about it openly. Think back to a time when you admitted feeling jealous. Were you met with encouragement and support? Probably not. Imagine if we treated jealousy like any other emotion, and met it with a loving, validating, and welcoming conversation.

Insecurity deserves the same space. You would not feel the need to “manage” happiness, confidence, joy, or arousal in a relationship. You share those emotions openly, which gives you a chance to be validated and positively reinforced by your partner(s). Insecurity and jealousy should be treated the same way. Ask yourself whether the insecurity is coming from your current relationship or from past experiences. Regardless of the source, your feelings are valid. Every emotion that arises in a relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous, deserves thoughtful attention.

Related: How a Queer Throuple Taught Me To Reclaim Myself

I’m in my first queer relationship and struggling to express my sexual needs and boundaries. How can I do this without it feeling awkward?

First, welcome to the Glitter Army. Naming your needs and boundaries is a powerful act, especially in a new relationship. Toot your own horn! 

The first thing I suggest is something called a Sexual Interest Checklist. It is a simple Likert scale that lists a variety of sexual and intimate acts. You rate each one from 1 (do not like) to 5 (enthusiastic yes). For example, “kissing in public” might be a 5 for you, or a 1 if it makes you uncomfortable. A 3 could mean you are open to it, but not excited. Using a checklist like this can circumvent any awkward or potentially emotionally taxing conversations. Here’s a fun idea: use the Sexual Interest Checklist as a game on date night. Fill it out separately, then share and discuss. It helps you learn about yourself and your partner.

*This column is not a consultation with a mental health professional and should in no way be construed as such or as a substitute for such consultation. Anyone with issues or concerns should personally seek the advice of a licensed therapist or counselor.