What Is Polyamory? Tips, Tricks, And The Real-Life Truth

I first found out about ethical non-monogamy in the summer of 1998 on the esteemed daytime millennial favorite, Ricki Lake. While I cannot remember every detail of the particular episode, one moment stood out to me. Ricki asked audience members if non-monogamy was something they would explore. One woman boldly shot her hand up and admitted to being proudly polyamorous. 

“How many partners do you have?” Ricki asked. 

“Quite a few,” the woman said with a coy smirk. 

At 11 years old, I was shocked and slightly disturbed…but insanely intrigued. 

The decades that followed were similar to many other coming-out tales. A college hoe phase, intoxicated makeouts with women, a broken engagement to a man, coming out as a lesbian, having a lesbian hoe phase, a handful of heartbreaks, and a gateway into polyamory by way of a BDSM relationship. 

I first met Sam in 2020 via Hinge. We’d talked for weeks upon weeks before finally agreeing to meet up in person. With COVID still quite prevalent, we took the necessary precautions and had a “Netflix and chill” date. What I had originally intended to be a one-night stand grew into a sexual renaissance whirlwind dynamic. The next thing I knew, I was in a full blown BDSM relationship as a sub with a Leather Dyke Daddy. We were in love and often spent weeks without leaving each other’s sides. 

One afternoon, post-play time, she reminisced on living with her girlfriend and her submissive. 

“Wait…how does that work?” I asked, catching the subtle inclusion of mentioning two partners. 

She giggled. “How does it work? It was a polyamorous relationship,” she responded matter-of-factly. 

What followed beyond that were quite a few questions, but the familiar feelings of shock and insane intrigue persisted. Fast forward a few months and a few conversations with Sam…and I was on my very first polyamorous date with someone new. 

Over the last 5 years, I have experienced just about every pitfall, stereotype, complication, question, and polyamorous nightmare you can imagine. With polyamory on the rise, particularly for queer folks, I am confident that the following tips will help guide you on the path to see if non-monogamy is right for you. 

So, What Is Polyamory?

First and foremost, let’s clear up some definitions. Non-monogamy refers to relationships that involve multiple romantic and/or sexual partners with the explicit consent of all parties involved. There are a number of titles within the non-monogamy umbrella, including swinging, open relationships, and polyamory. 

Generally speaking, swinging focuses on the sexual aspect of seeing others, usually without the expectation of progressing a dynamic beyond that. Open relationships generally focus on allowing two partners to see other individuals for sexual needs, while still prioritizing their primary relationship.  

Polyamory indicates multiple partners, who generally possess a romantic and, oftentimes, a sexual bond as well. There can be the prioritization of one relationship, but this is often frowned upon by many within the polyamory community as it denotes that one person is more important than others. 

The Pros Of Polyamory

• Multiple birthday celebrations with different partners
• The ability to experience more versions of yourself! Getting to experience hobbies, interests, sexual escapades, and shared perspectives with romantic partners is one of the greatest parts of polyamory. 
• The freedom to be open about a crush and flirting. 
• A fricken cheer squad! Having multiple romantic partners who are your biggest fans is absolutely beautiful. 

What Makes Polyamory Difficult

• Just like the world of monogamy, there are a lot of bad actors out there who are unethical. Unfortunately, this may result in some potential disappointments. 
• You will constantly have to deal with odd questions and criticism from society. Polyamory is not something that is widely accepted by others; since it is deemed as unconventional, you can expect a lot of questions from others. 
• Calendar management can get tricky! It’s a stereotype for a reason. If you are not someone who is known for their organization, you’ll likely have trouble managing multiple relationships. 
• Having multiple partners mad at you for different reasons at the same time happens. 
• Polyamory breakups can be lonely, as society does not always respect when a partnership concludes. Often, this is met with the phrase, “Well, at least you have other partners.” 
• Any sort of shortcoming or flaw that you might have in a relationship is going to be amplified by polyamory. If you are not a pristine communicator or open to becoming a better communicator, you will undoubtedly be unsuccessful in non-monogamy. 

How Do I Bring Up Polyamory To My Partner?

One question I get quite often is how I approached non-monogamy with my wife. I came into our relationship as a polyamorous person, so this was never something that needed to be untangled. For those who are thinking about talking to their partner about non-monogamy, I would suggest getting their temperature on the idea of non-normative relationships. Questions for consideration are listed below:

“What are your thoughts on non-monogamy?” 

“Is this something that you’d ever be interested in exploring? Why or why not?” 

Do bear in mind that polyamory is not for everyone, which is why the term “monogamish” exists. Monogamish directly refers to an individual who is in a relationship with a polyamorous person. If you do find that your partner is in favor of you experimenting with polyamory, you may want to encourage them to read about what it means to be monogamish or consider working with a polyamory peer coach together. 

Can I Be Non-Monogamous And Live Alone?

Yes! This is how I got started in non-monogamy. This is called Solo Polyamory, which often will look as though an individual is single or dating. Solo Polyamory is still a valid form of ENM. 

Where’s The Best Place To Meet ENM Folks?

Apps like Feeld and Plura are marvelous ways to connect with other ENM babes. Plura is like non-normative Eventbrite. It is best known for workshops, IRL events, and you can even connect 1:1 with folks as you would on a dating app. Feeld is a dating app specifically designed for ENM people. It’s organized differently from your typical dating app, with options to select your “desires” and 20+ sexuality and gender options.

One of the most glorious things about polyamory is that it does not have to be defined as one specific thing. There are no set rules or a single particular way to practice non-monogamy. So long as there is a foundation of respect for all, radical honesty, and open communication, you will be on the right path to cultivate meaningful dynamics. Just remember that the longest and most important relationship will always be the one that you have with yourself.