The ultimate Queer Gift Guide for everyone from your cat to your annoying roommate to your friend that you f*ck.
The holidays are upon us, ya’ll, and you know what that means: ‘tis the season of obligatory gift-giving. If you celebrate Christmas or Chanukah, or have loved ones who do, you may or may not be stressing over the long list of folks who you have to figure out an appropriate gift for (RIP, your wallet).
The internet is always flooded with gift guides during this time of year, but they never seem to cover all of the weird intricate relationships of modern queer life, do they? It’s hard enough to figure out what to buy your girlfriend for the holidays, let alone your girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend, or your five annoying roommates, or your cat.
Luckily for you, I have amazing stamina when it comes to online window-shopping — I once scrolled through all 1,800 pairs of shoes on ASOS just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I’ve done the research, so you don’t have to.
Here’s a queer gift guide to help you shop for practically everyone on your shopping list.
Your annoying roommates:
Buy them a traveler’s cocktail kit to encourage them to GTFO of the apartment for a good long while. Alternatively, an essential oil diffuser may help improve the vibes.
Your lovely roommates:
If you don’t hate your roommates, spoil them a bit for Christmas with something indulgent but affordable, like these fancy eye patch things or this nice introductory skincare set from The Ordinary or this face mask that turns your face gold.
Your friend’s friend:
Speaking of masks, did you know they make masks for literally every body part these days? Look: Foot mask, hand mask, lip mask. These little masks make cute gifts for people who you should give something to because they’re entrenched in your friend circle, but you never chat or hang out one-on-one.
Your friend who you never talk to anymore but deeply cherish:
Show your long-lost BFF some love with a gift that will truly improve her life or make it easier (to make up for not texting her in 18 months). My close friend got me a waterproof speaker for my birthday and it’s leveled up my life on many fronts: showers, beach trips, park trips, getting ready to go out. Self-care stuff is also nice, like these Mermaid Magic bath salts or, shoot, a literal massage.
Your cat:
Don’t forget your cat for Christmas!!! Buy her a new toy to keep her occupied while you’re busy, like this electronic wand toy. Or buy a cat shelf so she can stand at the top of her kingdom like the queen that she is. OR, please, somebody buy your cat this matching collar and friendship bracelet.
Your dog:
Duh. The doggos need love too. Dogs are so easy to please — a new chew toy, interactive puzzle, or fancy Christmas dog cookies will do the trick perfectly.
Your work wife:
I suggest a really nice water bottle, such as the HydroFlask, so she can stay hydrated during those long hours. Never underestimate the power of hydration! Or, buy a very soft throw blanket, which she can use at the office (burr) or at home.
Your cute barista who’s your girlfriend already in your head:
A fancy lip balm, such as Kiehl’s Lip Balm #1 or Mario Badescu or Drunk Elephant Lippe Balm. Every time she uses it, she’ll think of you! Plus, eventual kissing, maybe.
Your brand new girlfriend’s mom:
Only been dating for three weeks but she already invited you to her family’s house for Christmas? You can’t show up without a gift, and all moms love fancy candles. It’s wise to buy an assorted trio of miniature candles, since you don’t actually know her fave scents.
Your “friend” who you f*ck:
A sex toy would be the most obvious gift for your f*ck buddy, but uh, how about this cute peach emoji pin, to show her that you love her… butt. Fancy lube? A collar?
Your badass elder queer mentor:
If you’re lucky enough to have an older lesbian in your life to show you the ropes and teach you all about your history, you better show them some appreciation during the holidays. They’ve been through a lot! How ‘bout a really nice bottle of wine or whiskey, or an experiential gift, such as a cool local tour or tickets to a play?
Your ex-girlfriend who’s now your close friend:
You gotta keep this gift as neutral as possible for the sake of everyone involved. Buy her a cute plant that anyone could take care of! Buy her fancy soap! ALL THE FANCY SOAP.
Your ex-girlfriend who you’re still secretly in love with even though she treated you like crap:
This ex is probably a witch, hence her hold on you. Buy her a new tarot card deck: Next World Tarot or The Modern Witch are both popular decks. Or buy yourself a candle from Jessyka Winston, a New Orleans hoodoo practitioner and Vodou priestess, and do some magic to break her spell over you.
Your girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend:
We’re all gay here — this is a safe space to admit that not only is your girlfriend friends with her ex, but so are you. But what do you get her for the holidays? Again, neutral is key. Buy her some pretty coasters or a warm scarf to say “thanks for breaking up with my girlfriend so she could love me next.”
Your girlfriend’s other girlfriend:
To be clear, we’re wading into polyamorous territory here, not side chick territory. What should you buy for a paramour? How about a cool mug, like this heat-activated one that displays space facts when there’s a hot beverage in it? Because outer space, like your love life, is beautiful yet complex.
Your ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend:
Nothing. A “Happy holidays” text, at the very most. We all have to have our limits!
Happy shopping, lesbians! Now tell us, what would go into your queer gift guide?
What Do You Think?