Advice From Your Lesbian Big Sister: Help, I Have a Painful Crush On a ‘Straight’ Woman!

Don’t ever turn a simple, gorgeous kiss into a complex elephant sitting in the corner of a room.

Hey, kittens. My name is Zara and I’m your new lesbian big sister.  

Photo by Owen Gould

Each week I’ll be providing relationship advice to queer women in distress via my writer’s Facebook page. So what makes me qualified to bestow, sweet, innocent lesbians with advice? I’m glad you asked. Purr.

I’m a seasoned lesbian who might as well have an honorary doctor’s degree in “Making Mistakes” from Harvard University. I’ve lived a life of screw-ups and dark personal experiences in which I can draw from. I take my role as the official “Lesbian Big Sister” of the internet very seriously, and I actually love you. Even if I don’t know you!

After all, you clicked into my article. And once you click into anything I write, you’re safely tucked beneath my big lesbian sister wing till the end of time. 

Important To Note: Despite my honorary doctorate in mistake-making, I have no *official* advice-giving degree, so you should never take my advice over a licensed professional.


Dear Zara,

I have a massive, heart-wrenching crush on my friend Linda. She’s all I ever think about it. The other night she kissed me when she was wasted and it was the most amazing, mind-blowing kiss I’ve ever had in my life! There’s only one problem, she’s “straight” and has a “boyfriend.” I think her boyfriend knows how I feel about her because he hates me for no apparent reason. I don’t know what the hell to do. She must have feelings for me if she could kiss me THAT intensely, right? I want to tell her how I feel but I don’t want to freak her out, either. Can you please help me, lesbian big sister?

Dear My Sweet Confused Baby Lesbian,

As I read your painfully honest letter, I can’t help but feel massive sweeps of sadness for you. When I was a young gay kitten, my lesbian friends were constantly cursed with the straight girl crush. I always had a nose for the more tried and true dykes, sniffing out older women with at least a decade of girl-on-girl experience.

But damn. My entire youth is peppered with dark memories of having to pick hysterical lesbians off the bar floor after they had their heart hammer smashed open, by yet, ANOTHER straight girl. I always thought the straight girl crush was probably like having one of those god-awful nightmares where you’re running, running, running but never. Going. Anywhere.

That’s what usually happens when you crush on a straight girl, babes. You don’t get anywhere. You’re breathless, exhausted, throwing all of your precious energy into this epic sprint, but you never seem to make it the finish line, do you?

As your internet lesbian big sister, I’m torn as to which direction I should guide you. I know the right thing to do. I know what my proverbial lesbian big sister would say to me. She would light up a ciggie, gaze into my sad eyes and grunt. “Look honey. This chick is straight as fuck. She has a boyfriend for cryin’-out -loud.  She’s in a committed relationship and it’s rude to disrupt a committed relationship, even if it is between the girl of your dreams and some random loser fuckboy. Do you want to get your heart broken? Even if she does want to make out with you when she’s wasted, she’s dating SOMEONE ELSE. And what kind of monster kisses her best friend on the lips when she has a boyfriend? Get a grip, girl.”

So why can’t I look into your sad eyes and repeat this wise advice to you? Because I regret to inform you, I was once that monster. I was the monster that kissed my female friend smack on the lips when I had a boyfriend. I cheated on boy with girl (but never on girl with boy or on girl with different girl, for that matter). That’s how I can perfectly understand how utterly complicated your situation is. 

When I was super young I indeed had a boyfriend. I know that’s hard for you to imagine little sis, but the rumors are goddamn true. While I dated this poor boy creature, I locked lips with my lesbian friend! I didn’t mean to. It was as if some dramatic force greater than me jumped into my body and mauled my friend on the mouth.

Guess what, guess what? It was in that kiss, that the clouds broke open and I realized; “holy shit, I’m really freaking gay! These feelings I’ve been having for this girl are far deeper than me just liking her clothes and thinking she’s cool. This is a massive crush and I don’t ever want to stop kissing her.” I didn’t tell her how I felt at first because it was all so sparkling new to me. I was overwhelmed by my very real lesbian desires. I prayed to the gay goddesses up above that she would say something to me. Confess her feelings. Finally, I downed half a bottle of liquor store brand Champagne and told her how I felt. She rejected me, said the kiss hadn’t meant as much to her as it did to me. She had kissed plenty of girls. There was no novelty. I was just another set of lips.

I broke up with my boyfriend anyway and started dating women. Never looked back.

I guess my point is this: Just because she’s straight and has a boyfriend (who she is totally cheating on, which is morally wrong) doesn’t mean that the rush of intensity you felt during the kiss wasn’t real. After all, if you felt it, it was real for you. You should honor that. Stuffing down your feelings and pretending they don’t exist never works. The truth doesn’t like being repressed, sweet kitten. Dishonesty leads you down a dark hole of binge drinking and embarrassing intoxicated phone calls at 2 am. I say, be honest with her.

Prepare for her not to feel the same way. In fact, *expect* her not to feel the same way.

 

You say this girl you’re crushing on is your best friend in the world, right? “Best friend” is a loaded term—it means you’re hyper-connected to this person. It means you trust this person with every fiber of your being. It means you can go out on a limb and be blazingly honest with her. If you don’t tell her, it will haunt you in all hours of the night.

Respect that she’s straight. Respect that she has a boyfriend. But acknowledge that she freaking kissed you! Don’t ever turn a simple, gorgeous kiss into a complex elephant sitting in the corner of a room.

Say to her: “Hey you kissed me the other night. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know you have a boyfriend but you’re my best friend and we need to talk about this.”

She’ll probably be embarrassed, I mean it is super embarrassing to slobber on your best friend when drunk. Maybe she’ll tell you she has feelings too. Tell her you can’t explore those feelings while she’s tethered in a relationship. Don’t get caught up in her whirlwind of her not being able to decide between you and the boy. Make it very clear that you’re all in or all out.

Maybe she’ll be your next girlfriend. Maybe she’ll be your best friend forever and the two of you will laugh in the future about this weird moment you shared when you kissed one drunken night. Or maybe it will just be too awkward! Either way, you can’t take a kiss back. So rather than torturing yourself over it, confront the demon!

Know that no matter what her reaction is, you’ll be OK. You’ll be OK because everyone gets crushes and gets their feelings hurt and comes out the other side. Feel the sting, but remember this: At least you’re alive to feel the wonderful flutter of a crush, right?

Good luck, babes!

Xoxo,

Zara

Your Lesbian Big Sis