One of the many misconceptions I had as a young, freshly out and about baby dyke was that I was somehow exempt from being an asshole when it came to lesbian sex.
“It’s so amazing that I can have one-night stands with no slut-shaming!” I incessantly chirped to my straight friends.
“Oh, that makes sense. There is no way two women would slut-shame each other. You’re so LUCKY you’re a lesbian!” my straight friends would encouragingly chirp back. They were so relieved that I was finally comfortable in my gay skin that they would blindly support any dumb blanket statement that haphazardly flew out of my mouth.
When you first become sober, recovery circles speak frequently about how newbies are often on a “pink cloud” where they feel so a-m-a-z-i-n-g because their newfound sobriety has rendered them ultra sparkly and fresh. When I first came out I was on the gay version of the “pink cloud.” I had been miserably repressed in my sexuality for so long that now that I was finally out, I was prancing on rainbows. The only problem with pink clouds of any sort is that eventually, you fall off.
When I fell off the dyke pink cloud, I learned a slew of hard life truths: There is slut-shaming in the lesbian community. Lesbians can be wildly misogynistic. And you, little perfect angel Zara, can be a real asshole in the world of lesbian sex, relationships, and dating. Being a woman who sleeps with other women does not protect you from being a f*ckboy (yes, boy).
After years of doing it all wrong, I’ve learned that there is a specific one-night stand etiquette for lesbians. So if you’re new to the game, new to one-night stands, or you’re an old-timer lez who’s been told she acts like a dickhead more than twice, read this. Live this. Embody this.
1. Be upfront in your dating profile.
About three or four years ago, I was desperately seeking someone to have sex (and only sex) with. I was working on myself and couldn’t risk falling in love again and screwing up the delicate process of self-improvement. Which is totally valid, by the way. Sometimes you have to restrict yourself from romance because your attention needs to be fully invested in your own shit.
However, I’m a sexual creature. There was no way I was going to get through this self-imposed period of relationship celibacy unless I had a plethora of sexual outlets.
I downloaded one of the many lesbian dating apps. When it came time to fill out the profile, I was tempted to be all sweet and relationshipy because I’m the kind of girl who wants everyone to love me and want to marry me because I have a massive ego and a thirst for constant validation. But this time, I wasn’t going to let my narcissism get in my way. I decided to be blazingly honest, even if it deemed me not the “marrying” kind.
“Looking for a casual sexual relationship,” I humbly typed into the profile. And it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself.
Women knew, upfront, that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. And the only people who messaged me during that time were women who sought the same gig. Of course, a few masochists messaged me and subsequently got pissed off at me for not wanting to marry them after we hooked up, but I didn’t feel bad about that. That wasn’t my problem; it was theirs. As long as you don’t pretend to be looking for a relationship in order to get into her distressed skinny jeans, you’re golden, babe. If you’re straight-up honest about where you are in this point of your life, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. We’re all adults. She can decide if she’s down to only get down. Or she can walk the f*ck away.
2. Make a sincere effort with your home.
Just because you’re only having sex doesn’t mean you get to be a disgusting slob. Do not invite her over to your apartment if it’s messy or dirty. Sweep the goddamn floors, make your bed, wash the sheets, purchase a nice bottle of wine for her to drink, and make sure the bathroom smells like candles and Windex. Just because you’re just “f*cking” doesn’t mean you get to be a disrespectful pig. On the contrary, you should have the utmost respect for anyone you’re going to be intimate with. Sex is a wildly vulnerable thing. We’re all raw and exposed when we f*ck, and that’s sacred.
I can’t say this enough: it’s in poor taste to invite a hookup over when your apartment is in shambles. It says that you don’t value the beautiful act of sex and that, most of all, you don’t value yourself. Which is a universal turn-off. If I go over to someone’s apartment and they have dirty dishes piled up in the sink, I’m out of there in three minutes, tops.
3. Make a sincere effort with your appearance.
The same goes for your appearance. You don’t have to wear a goddamn designer suit, but you need to be well-groomed and, like, the most attractive, sexy version of yourself. When you’re looking for a relationship, this is actually less important, because you have other things besides the physical you need to connect on.
But when you’re just getting down and dirty, you need to make an effort to look hot as f*ck. Whatever “hot” is for you! If I’m trying to look hot, I’m going to have gleamy legs, rock a slinky dress, sky-high heels, heaps of raven black mascara, and lots and lots of musky fragrance. When I’m dressed like a kinky glamour girl, I feel my most sexual.
And when you feel your most sexual, you radiate this intoxicating sexual energy. All interactions have an exchange. The exchange in a one-nighter is sex. So bring your best sexual self to the bedroom.
Maybe for you, you feel hot in a muscle tee and ripped jeans. Maybe you feel hot in your work attire (purr).
We all know what our sexiest look is, right? So do it! I hate this culture of “not trying.” It’s so… entitled.
Also, be clean. Be freshly showered. Clean the dirt from beneath your nails. Smell nice. No one is hot enough to let their hygiene go. Not even you, baby.
4. Don’t be a cold bitch afterward.
Now that we’ve got the pre-sex stuff out of the way, we’re going to venture into the complicated shit: the *post-sex* etiquette. This where things can get extremely tricky. We don’t want to be jerks who call the girl a cab right after the third orgasm culminates, and we don’t want to be overly snuggly and kind for fear that we might give her the “wrong idea.”
Listen closely to me here, girls (especially my fellow f*ckboy girls) you will not give her the wrong idea if you were upfront to begin with. If you weren’t upfront, then I can’t help you. Sorry. That is the first and most vitally important step toward having proper one-night stand etiquette. So as long as you completed step one, you can get snuggly and sweet afterward… without unfairly leading her on.
Like I said before, sex is intimate, and sex is vulnerable. And when we women have an orgasm, our bodies release a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter to the brain called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin makes us feel bonded to the person who made us come. It increases our empathy toward them and fuels us with that pesky desire to open up and lay in bed with our legs intertwined post-coitus. In psychology circles, it’s known as the “love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone.” New mothers release oxytocin when they breastfeed; it’s part of what bonds them to their precious babies. And unfortunately, it’s what makes us feel warm and fuzzy after sex.
However, it’s perfectly normal, and you should honor this temporary feeling of bliss and indulge in a cuddle sesh (as long as she wants to!). Have a nice deep talk about life. Kiss. Enjoy the post-orgasmic glow, which I think is an essential part of sex. Sex is so much more than just coming, you know?
If the lines get blurred, and she catches feelings, you can be polite and reiterate your initial intentions and still be a good woman who’s being true to her word.
But what do you do if you it’s you who catches feelings? I’m glad you asked. Meow.
5. How to deal when you catch unexpected feelings.
Sometimes, even when we’ve staunchly proclaimed to NOT BE IN A PLACE FOR LOVE, we find ourselves falling in love with our one-nighters.
My first tip is to wait exactly 72 hours and then reassess how you feel. It’s very possible you’re still riding on that pesky oxytocin high, which will taper down in a few days. Have you ever taken ecstasy? When you’re rolling on ecstasy, you’re fully convinced that you’re in love with everyone. And then you come down and realize you were just high, and those people were the same bozos they’ve always been. Same with oxytocin.
If you’re still having romantic feelings swishing through your bones *after* the mandatory 72-hour waiting period, then you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re not ready for a relationship. You said so yourself, kid. Just because you want it, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. I want a giant glass of Sauvignon Blanc right now, but I know that will only derail the productivity of my day and send me spiraling into a bender. So I’ll refrain, even if it’s challenging AF.
Also, you also need to think back to what she’s expressed to you. Did she say she was only looking for sex too? If she did, you must respect her boundary. Just because you, my dear player, have caught ~feelings~ doesn’t mean she’s obligated to have caught them back.
If you truly can’t shake your feelings, and you’ve given it heaps of time and thought, you need to come clean. If you *like* her, she can no longer serve as your fuckbuddy, even if the sex is mindblowing. When you *like* a woman, you can’t compartmentalize sex and love. It’s actually impossible (trust me, I’ve tried endlessly).
You will grow more and more attached to her each time you have sex, and you’ll get your feelings ultimately crushed, and it could take you years to recover. So be a grownup. Use your words. Sit her down. Say “I’m starting to like you. If you’re open to seeing where this goes, outside of sex, I would love that. However, if you’re not in the place for that, I respect that. Completely. But I can no longer casually sleep with you.”
She will respect the hell out of you for being so fearlessly honest, for having such impressive willpower and for putting yourself first. And self-respect is the most powerful turn on. So maybe she’ll be down to see where it goes. Maybe she’s truly not ready OR doesn’t have feelings for you in the same way (which happens even to the hottest of girls, so check your ego, honey).
Either way, having actual boundaries and sticking firmly to them will increase your own self-confidence, tenfold. And when you have a core of impenetrable self-confidence serving as your foundation because you know you will follow through on your own word, you’ll be a sexy, powerful woman of integrity.
And at the end of the day, being a woman of integrity is the most beautiful way to be. You’ll throw yourself out there more, you’ll take more risks, you’ll have better sex, and you’ll cultivate deeper relationships. Life is so much better with increased risk-taking, better sex, and deeper relationships. Sometimes we get to this place in our lives by firmly placing boundaries on our f*ckbuddies that we’ve caught the feels for. The greatest life lessons can come from the (seemingly) tiniest things. I wish someone had told me that when I was a baby dyke.
You’re welcome.
What Do You Think?