My girlfriend and I have been together for five years. At the beginning of our relationship we had the hottest sex of my life. But lately, we’ve been in a sexual rut and having a hard time connecting intimately. I have a really high sex drive but she is happy having sex once every couple of weeks. Lately, it feels like we’re just doing it to get each other off — not because we’re craving one another in a primal way. What can we do to add a little spark and get on the same page with our libidos?
Sincerely, Longing Libido
Dearest Longing Libido,
Ah, new relationship energy. It’s so beautiful and intense when you’re in it, but once your relationship settles into a routine, those insatiable feelings simmer out. The tricky part is that when NRE fades away, couples usually discover that they have different libidos. And while this imbalance in your relationship likely feels dire right now — do not despair, my dear queer.
This relationship discrepancy isn’t so much about libido as it is about your sexual communication skills.
Learning how to talk about desire and intimacy can take more work than you might expect. But once you get there, you’ll be rewarded with better sex and a stronger bond with your partner.
My best advice for you is to work on redefining intimacy. Don’t take it personally when your babe doesn’t want to get down. Her sexual boundaries have everything to do with her and isn’t a reflection of her attraction to you. When you’re able to redefine what intimacy means, you can find pleasure in all kinds of moments. Accept what your partner can give you — whether it’s a steamy make out session or grinding on each other with no expectations of sex.
Also, it’s important for both of you to remember how amazing masturbation is. Don’t let intimacy with yourself die simply because you’re partnered. Light some candles, turn on a sexy playlist and lube yourself up. Especially for the lower libido partner because more sexy feels beget more desire. It’s been studied that the more sex you have, whether solo or partnered, the more active your libido is.
When it comes to y’all getting it on, I suggest getting a karma sutra book to work your way through or watching porn together. My absolutely favorites are “Lesbian Sex: 101 Lovemaking Positions” by Jude Schell or CrashPadSeries.com. When sex becomes predictable, it’s hard to feel desire. But when you know there’s something new to be explored, it adds spontaneity. Work your way through the book: I bet by the time you finish all 101 positions, you’ll both be feeling that spark again.
It’s so important for both of you to recognize that this isn’t anyone’s fault, and you can definitely work through this. Whether it’s about creating more intentional intimacy or redefining pleasure — communication is so key to get you through this sexual rut.
Corinne Kai is the Managing Editor and resident sex educator at GO Magazine. You can listen to her rambles through her podcast Femme, Collectively. The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only and should not replace or substitute for any medical, or other professional advice or help.