I came flying out of my mother’s womb a wildly feminine creature. I love being a feminine creature. I lust after extra-virgin hair extensions and velvet-textured lipsticks and quilted Chanel bags without shame or apology. You’ll never hear me say something insulting like “I’m sorry. I just really like makeup!” Because I’m not sorry! I love identifying as a femme! And I love (like, *actually* love) all of my fellow femme sisters scattered across the great expanse of this flawed-yet-beautiful earth!
And chances are, if you clicked into this article, you have a special femme in your life. A femme you want to spoil the shit out of this Holiday season because she’s special and sparkly and has withstood a lifetime of being undermined by the patriarchy, so she deserves to feel good.
But maybe you don’t exactly *know* what to get her because you’re not a femme and can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like inside of a femme’s brain (it’s beautiful but complicated, trust me)!
Well, don’t you worry your queer little heart, darling. Your lesbian big sister is here to help you navigate the dark and stormy waters of holiday shopping.
Before I guide you toward what you should buy, I’m going to tell you what you must absolutely not — under ANY circumstances — buy that ferocious femme in your life that you worship so.
1. A lesson in changing the oil of a car.
A long time ago, I was sitting in the back of a car with one of my most stylish femme sisters. Her girlfriend and my girlfriend were sitting up front blasting shitty music while we chatted about life in the back. Eventually, we pulled into a gas station. It was a real redneck, rural Florida-vibes kind of gas station, the kind that immediately raises my personal safety antenna.
My beautiful femme sister, let’s call her, Layla, sighed heavily. “Here goes,” she muttered under her breath.
The next thing I knew her girlfriend swung her head toward the backseat and bellowed, “Layla, it’s time for me to give you your oil changing lesson.”
I looked at Layla in her precious white lace dress and felt my blood temperature rise to a boil as Layla reluctantly skulked out of the car and followed her girlfriend to the hood of the car (or wherever the hell you change the oil — I don’t know) where she learned how to change goddamn oil.
Why does Layla have to learn how to change the goddamn oil of the car? She clearly isn’t interested in learning. I bet she doesn’t make her misogynistic girlfriend learn how to do her makeup flawlessly or force her into wearing heels? Typical. We femmes are forced to learn banal tasks like “oil-changing” but never force masculine-presenting people into doing anything out of character to them. UGH!Â
When Layla returned to the car I instantly noticed that she had soiled her gorgeous white dress with oil. I huffed and puffed and silently declared to one day write about this experience to let all masculine-presenting lesbians know that there is no reason for FEMMES TO LEARN HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL of a car unless they want to learn (keyword “WANT”).
PSA: Never force a lesson upon a femme. And most importantly, don’t consider your forced lesson a gift. It’s not a gift, for a gift wouldn’t dare to soil a dress.
2. A gym membership.
I know this one will spark a bit o’ controversy.
“But I want a gym membership!” some femmes will comment. I get it. I want one too.
But do you know who I *don’t* want to buy me a gym membership? My girlfriend. It’s not romantic to buy someone a gym membership, and I have a solid hunch that ninety percent of the femmes out there will feel insulted if they were to receive one as a gift. They will feel as if you’re sending them a message that their body is somehow not good enough. (The system is designed to make us feel bad about our bodies! It’s a sensitive subject!).
Even if this gift is well-intentioned, I would opt to buy your femme girlfriend a stunning pasta dinner at Carbone over a sweaty stint on the treadmill, okay?
3. Random, unresearched makeup.
While buying your femme girlfriend makeup is ~absolutely~ a sweet gesture that will be much appreciated, it’s unlikely that it will be used. Look, a femme knows what she likes. Femmes are loyal creatures in every sense of the word, including the products in which they adhere to their skin. So don’t go buying her a random mascara, babe. However.
Do find out what her favorite fragrance is and stock her up! There is nothing sexier or more sensual than a fresh bottle of lush fragrance.
4. A knockoff.
Do not, under any circumstances, trudge over to Canal street and buy your wise, ethical femme girlfriend a knockoff handbag from her favorite designer and claim it’s the real deal.
First off, she’ll know. She’ll smell the lack of authenticity before she even unwraps that shit!
Second of all, lying is the ultimate turnoff. Lying about fashion? That’s sacrilegious. Get her the real deal or don’t get her anything at all.
5. Flats.
My poor wife bought me flat sneakers for my birthday recently. “You need a pair of practical shoes,” she lovingly claimed.
“Oh, thanks!” I said. Truthfully, I was thankful. The wife was worried that my poor, shackled-to-heels feet needed a break and bought me sneakers. That’s sweet. That’s kind. That’s thoughtful.
Except they are still sitting in the back of my closet, never been worn, because they don’t *titillate* me like heels do (purr). And as a femme woman, I like to be titillated all the f*cking time, don’t you?
6. An outfit that isn’t her style.
If a femme has a specific style that she rocks and loves and is part of the very fabric of her identity…don’t go buying her something that’s the opposite of that. It insinuates that you’re trying to somehow change her when you tamper with her self-expression. And we will not be changed. (Or tamed, for that matter.)
7. A self-help book.
No one loves a self-help book quite like yours truly. I have a few screws loose in ye ol’ brain, so I need all the help I can get. But for the love of Lana Del Rey, do not gift your femme girlfriend a self-help book. It’s condescending. It feels like mansplaining (er, “lezsplaining”).
However, if she has said that she’s dying for therapy and can’t afford it, it’s acceptable to buy her a session with a lit shrink. When it comes to mental health gifts, go big or go home.
What are the worst gifts you could ever receive? Tell. Us. Everything.
What Do You Think?