Femmes. What magical, beautiful creatures we are, no? We’re also f*cking disgusting. People might think we are really pretty and shiny (and we are!), but, really, we’re naaaassssttaayy. Listen, though: I don’t mean kinky nasty.
This listicle isn’t for the faint of heart. If you are too uptight to laugh at gross shit or cannot comprehend Beyonce farting or something, click out now. Face it: we’re all gross, but femmes are actually a specific breed of disgusting. You see, our intense beauty routines lend themselves to intense gross side effects. Don’t believe me? Read on.
Sometimes, I find a particularly long strand of weave hair in my ass crack
You’re lying if you say you haven’t done this in the shower. When your mane reaches to your ass, this is just part of the territory. When you spend hours brushing your 26″ long locks, then straightening them to a crisp, then covering them in expensive, sweet-smelling product, a strand is bound to end up wedged between your butt cheeks.
Speaking of hair, we cover every f*cking waking surface in our hair
Everything is covered. EVERYTHING. There’s the tub with our pubes after we shave, the counter with our extensions as we blow out our hair, our eyelashes on pillow cases when we drunkenly forget to take them off before bed…
Crusty spray tan
Ever see a femme and wonder if she has a rare skin disease? That’s just her spray tan flaking.
When the Brazilian waxer misses between your vag and ass
If you get the honor of hooking up with a gorgeous femme, do not be alarmed if there is a patch of hair between her ~nether regions~. Sometimes, waxers don’t have the decency to tell us they charge extra for that.
Femmes are lowkey always taking shits
*Some* femmes are always dieting. For me, dieting doesn’t work because I’m Italian and eating is my only pleasure in life. So, when I want to feel like a skinny icon, laxative tea is my go to. If you think we are in the bathroom taking forever because we are reapplying makeup and taking selfies, you’re wrong. That’s just a lie we tell so we can blow up the bathroom in peace.
Gas in the club
If you eat veggies before you go out, you fart on the dance floor. But no one ever suspects the femme. The femmes are always eating veggies for vanity purposes.
Baby wipe shower
We’ve all done it.
If a femme recoils from you trying to caress her hair, it’s because that shit is fake AF, probably matted and tangly, and she doesn’t want you to feel it. A femme would rather sacrifice intimacy than sacrifice hair.
When a nail breaks
Nothing looks grosser than a naked jagged nail in comparison with shiny pink ones.
Femmes love eyelash extensions, but if we wait too long in between fills, we look INSANE. Like, en route to the psych ward, “Girl, Interrupted” CRAZY. Huge gaps between long voluminous mink lashes are NOT a good look.
Re-wearing the same bra for weeks
Puke and rally
Femmes are the masters of puking and rallying. We don’t stop the party for anything. I once puked in my Juicy Couture terrycloth purse then made out with my friend. Gross. Exactly my point. At least we are skinny after?
Makeup all over the counter
I love yelling at my girlfriend for leaving a water glass out. Meanwhile, our bathroom is COVERED in bronzer.
Too many products in the shower
Femmes love a clean apartment, but they also hate cleaning the shower. So, sometimes, we just leave old products in there to die.
We leave toothpaste on the cap
“I’ve never met a femme who knew how to interact with toothpaste” -My ex
Femmes lowkey always have smelly feet
“You all wear cute shoes, but cute shoes sometimes means no socks, and then they smell so bad.”-My other ex
Makeup on pillowcases
A femme likes to mark her territory.
Glitter gets everywhere
Once you sleep with a femme, you will be forever encrusted in glitter.
Brazilian waxes are hot AF for about a week, but then brace yourself for some NASTY ingrowns. If I say I have my period or don’t want to sleep with you on the first date, chances are that’s a straight up lie, and I actually just have a gross ingrown.
Profusely sweating when wearing latex
Femmes love latex. This also means we are usually sweating profusely.
Red wine teeth
Femmes love to seductively slug red wine on dates. Too bad purple teeth aren’t nearly as seductive.
All femmes are addicted to coffee and also addicted to not throwing out empty coffee cups
It’s gross AF. Get off your fabulous ass and wash them, girl.
Pre-sex ritual in bar bathrooms
On dates, while you’re dutifully sipping your whiskey ginger at the bar, we’re in the bathroom frantically splashing water on our vaginas, brushing our teeth, and dousing ourselves in perfume. Femmes love first date sex.
Are you a gross AF femme? Let us know in the comments!