Surefire Signs You Were A 2000s Gay Teen On Long Island as told by our resident Long Island Lesbian, Dayna Troisi.
Spray tans. MTV’s “Room Raiders.” Having an inexplicable crush on Janis Ian. Piercing your tongue in someone’s basement surrounded by Happy Bunny posters. Always caught between being emo and guidette. Getting shoved into lockers.
All these things make up the strangely specific experience of being a gay teen on Lawng Island in the early 2000s. There was definitely something in the water on Long Island, because there are more homosexuals than nail salons. I know this is hard to believe, as suburbia tends to be a conservative wasteland, but that’s what they WANT you to think. In reality, we are gay as hell. All my ex-girlfriends and best friends are queers from the Island of Long.
So, if no one else relates to this list, I know you spray-tanned, sauce-eating, fist-pumping gays will get it. Enjoy and please share with your graduating class and pass my insta handle to the lesbians who escaped their hometowns and make over six figures now.
Here are 131 signs that you were a Long Island gay teen in the 2000s. Yes, this list is loooong because we are extra AF– our lashes and lists are hella lengthy– they don’t say “Long Island” for nothing.
1. You had a GSA in your high school
And you claimed you were just an “ally.”
2. You had gay cybersex in AOL chatrooms
3. You had a secret Myspace page
Where you joined lesbian groups and had intense relationships with other queer teens littered across America.
4. You secretly watched “The L Word” and anxiously flipped back to Nickelodeon every time you heard your mom’s footsteps approaching
Your reflexes were on point with the remote.
5. You fingered this dark toy
Long Island gays are always amazing in bed because of these.
6. You were suspiciously good at eating these
7. You thought the Long Island Medium was going to see you in the grocery store and out you to your whole family
8. Ugly straight girls insisted you had a crush on them
9. You had an all-consuming crush on a punk senior
10. “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower” rocked your world
And in that moment, I swear we were
11. You wore black lipstick
Because what is being queer without subverting ~norms~?
12. You were darkly obsessed with Sylvia Plath
I am. I am. I am. GAY.
13. Your English teacher was your best friend
14. Truth Or Dare was your favorite sleepover game
You haven’t lived if you didn’t try to bribe your best friend into daring you to kiss your crush.
15. You were inexplicably turned on by the sound of mac ‘n’ cheese being stirred
16. You had a fabulous gay boy BFF
Who lowkey is way too cool for you now, works in fashion, and hangs out with a gaggle of straight models.
17. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to be Avril Lavigne or do her
A tie looked awful on me, so I know that I just wanted to sleep with her.
18. You were on the softball team, or if you are a classic, unsporty lez like me, the show choir
19. You were on the debate team
And always argued pro-choice.
20. You listened to Regina Spektor and Kate Nash
21. You performed an obscure monologue in the talent show
Mine got me suspended.
22. You had secret rendezvous in the girls’ bathroom
No kiss will ever measure up to the thrill of the high school bathroom kiss.
23. You participated in “Day of Silence”
As an “ally,” of course.
24. You were irrationally scared of being outed to your parents
I came out to my mom at the gyno, because I ridiculously worried she’d tell my mom I had a LESBIAN vagina.
25. You had no sex education and have never used a dental dam
Sorry to all you sex educator girls who went to Smith College. I guess you should never sleep with a Long Island lez?
26. You went to Warped tour or Bamboozle
And wore Jac Vanek and TWLOHA jelly bracelets.
27. And asked band members from Cobra Starship to sign your body parts
Gabe Saporta signed my boob, and my mom took away my AIM account.
28. You watched gay shit on Netflix and said it was an accident or for a school project
29. You got gigantic acrylic nails because not even homosexuality can get in the way of a Long Island girl’s beauty routine
Lesbian fail, but fashion win.
30. You stained spray tan all over some sporty lesbians sheets the first time you hooked up
Sorry about that.
31. You self consciously had sex in your bra because you were wearing a bombshell push up bra from Victoria’s Secret
All our boobs looked two sizes bigger than they really were ’cause of those stupid bras. I was a 36E with one, and I looked like a demented pervy cartoon.
32. You desperately wanted to be on Jersey Shore
33. You didn’t have to lie to go to a girl’s house
The one thing that makes it SO MUCH easier to grow up closeted.
34. House parties were full of underground homosexual debauchery
The basement is where the gay shit happens.
35. You looked to see if your ring finger was longer than your pointer finger to determine if you were really a lesbian
Because you heard it as you secretly watched “The L Word.”
36. Or took “Am I gay?” quizzes
I unequivocally knew I was gay at 13 years old because Quizilla told me I was.
37. You found gay content on that dark website Ebaums World
38. When youtube was invented, you sweatily searched “girls kissing” on your family’s computer in the middle of the night
Which led to…
39. You downloaded porn to Quicktime (this was pre-Pornhub, youngins!)
40. You had to bring a guy to prom, but still slept with a girl that night
41. You physically fought someone who flirted with your girlfriend at least once
You aren’t from Long Island if you haven’t punched your ex in the face at Pride.
42. You were hopelessly in love with a straight girl who skateboarded
43. You had to go to “religion class”
The highlight of my high school career was getting fingered in the church bathroom.
44. “All The Things She Said” by t.A.T.u. was your shit
45. You smoked cigarettes at the beach in winter in your car
And thought you were so cool and alt.
46. You drove 20 minutes to go to the drive-thru Dunkin’
Even though there was a walk-in one right down the block.
47. You drove two hours to get Sonic in New Jersey
In case you haven’t caught on, there really wasn’t much to do.
48. You drove as your only source of fun
Are you noticing a pattern here?
49. You kept hearing about LIGALY while knowing you would rather die than step foot in LIGALY
Even loser closeted teens on Long Island have standards. We wanted to party in a dark club, not eat stale donuts in a community center.
50. You owned a Ryan Cassata CD
That you bought when he visited your GSA.
51. You had a crush on a girl who went to a catholic school
52. You “hated” your mom but spent every day with your mom
The family codependency is real.
53. You missed junior prom
I spent junior prom eating at Friendly’s with the other gays.
54. You focused so hard on the floor in the locker room you almost fell over
God forbid a girl thinks you’re staring at her training bra.
55. Will Die If Not Wearing Converse
56. You drew tattoos all over your body (because cutting was too extreme)
We were too sheltered and sensitive to cut.
57. You went to Hot Topic then left because you got intimidated
Because there was always a hot dyke working at the register, but you weren’t edgy enough for her.
58. But you were also too scared to go into Abercrombie or Hollister
Because it was dark and smelly inside — and because you were wildly attracted to the softball lez greeting teens at the door.
59. So you bought rainbow paraphernalia on the DL at Spencer’s
60. “Hairstyles of the Damned” rocked your world
Every queer kid read this on the bus.
61. So did “The Catcher In The Rye”
And so, you became teacher’s pet.
62. You confided in your pet dog, cat, or hamster because nobody else ~got you~
63. You owned best friends necklaces from Claire’s with a girl you ended up dating
64. You wrote suicide notes as a hobby
65. You have an extremely morbid, dark, and politically incorrect sense of humor
66. You can’t stand Social Justice Warriors.
Long Islanders have no patience for buzzwords.
67. You totally are unlearning all of your f*cked up prejudices, though.
Being gay doesn’t make you exempt from that.
68. You were obsessed with 3oh!3.
Tell your boyfriend, if he says he’s got beef, that I’M A VEGETARIAN, AND I AIN’T F*CKING SCARED OF HIM.
69. You read to escape a grim reality, but you just ended up reading books about young gay teens being hate-crimed anyway
Or you were hate-crimed for being a loser who reads.
70. You use “hate crime” as a colloquialism.
71. You bought a “gay street” sign on your field trip to the city
And hid it in your closet.
72. You hung a Pride flag in your locker and took a Myspace picture with it
73. You had a DeviantArt account
Mine unfortunately still exists.
74. You felt very deeply that you connect with Matthew Shepard and Laramie Wyoming while having absolutely nothing in common except for being gay
And you starred in “The Laramie Project,” directed by your weird drama teacher.
75. You made insensitive jokes about “The Laramie Project” because if you weren’t laughing, you were crying.
My best friend and I still go hysterical every time we say “the shining lights of Laramie.”
76. You went through your yearbook and guessed who you thought was gay too
77. You were in a love-hate relationship with your music teachers
78. You dramatically looked out the bus window when it rained
79. You knew every line to rent
NO DAY BUT TODAY.
80. You played 7 Minutes In Heaven at an all-girls sleepover
81. You remember being so desperately upset you weren’t invited to the all-girls sleepover where you’re SURE they played 7 Minutes In Heaven
82. You pretended to be scared during horror films to hold your friend’s hand
Oldest trick in the book, babes.
83. You ate your sorrows in Elio’s Pizza when you got home from softball practice
Even though there were 10 amazing pizzerias in a two-mile radius of your home.
84. You had a Nextel walkie talkie phone
85. Tegan and Sara was your religion
86. P!nk was your confusion
Missundaztood still slaps.
87. You dramatically cried in your bedroom listening to “Family Portrait”
Even though your home life was actually pretty amazing and your mom was in the kitchen making sauce while your dad was walking the dog you ~swore~ you’d take care of.
88. You carried a skateboard around but couldn’t actually skate
89. You carried cigarettes around but didn’t actually smoke
I forced my ex to carry cigarettes everywhere to look tough.
90. You did anything to avoid gym class
Luckily, I have a disability. Other gays had to get more creative.
100. You said you were bi
But you were really gay as the day is long.
101. You went to Fire Island every summer without ever knowing it was gay central
HOW did I not know I was so close to so many dykes?
102. You totally knew what your health teacher was referring to when she talked about her roommate
I had the biggest crush on my health teacher.
103. You wore rainbow sweatbands
104. You spent weekends drinking around dusty exercise equipment in someone’s basement
You weren’t cool enough to drink in parking lots so you drank next to your mom’s Gazelle.
105. You obsessively curated your myspace top 8
106. You diverted the attention away from yourself by making fun of someone else in the locker room
107. You begged your mom to order you shit from infomercials
108. You binged on nasty snacks like Cosmic Brownies and Kool-Aid after school
109. You played those Barbie dress up games online so you could take their clothes off
You dirty perv.
110. You corrupted your neighbors by making all their Sims flirt with girls
111. You kissed girls as a “game” because you were “acting”
112. You watched “Boys Don’t Cry” as the only gay content in GSA and were scared back into the closet a little
113. Then you watched “But I’m a Cheerleader” and got even more scared
114. If you’re lucky, you had one queer aunt who lived in NYC and gave you hope.
115. You furiously masturbated to MTV music videos
I’ll never forget the first time I saw the “Genie In A Bottle” video.
116. The cool girls who bullied you now have multiple kids and work for a pyramid scheme
Hey! I know we haven’t talked in a while. How are you girl?! Was wondering if you were interested in learning more about Mary Kay?
117. You watched “Next” with the door shut because it was a bisexual episode
118. You snuck peeks of titties through the 18+ section of the video store
119. You watched Scrambled Porn Channel on channel 99
120. You experienced the heartbreak of being at the mall and seeing straight couples holding hands and feeling like that will never be you
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121. You got away with making out in the hallway because the teachers didn’t want to be accused of hate crime-ing you
122. You watched “Donnie Darko” with queer art kids and pretended to like it to fit in
The F*CK was up with that film?
123. You wrote I <3 **** on your notebooks
Because you were too scared to actually write your crush’s name.
124. You loved “Twilight”
Or felt a smug sense of superiority for hating it.
125. You had crippling anxiety on National Coming Out Day
126. You actually felt the fear of god if your parents talked about gay people
127. You burned CDs with custom playlists for girls you had crushes on
128. You dated a girl with an eating disorder
129. You dated a girl while having your own eating disorder but hers was worse so you had to focus on that
Told you Long Islanders have inappropriate senses of humor.
130. You wore men’s cologne to attract the ladies
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131. You apparently have a lot of repressed trauma, and you’re realizing it as you’re making this list
But you can’t stop cackling with your best friend who you survived it all with.