The “Jersey Shore” is back on MTV April 5 and if you aren’t excited you’re either lying or wrong. I’m from Long Island, which is essentially the same thing as Jersey (the lands of strip malls, pizzerias, nail salons, and spray tans) and I am HYPE about this reboot. Even more so than “The L Word” reboot. Just kidding, that would be blasphemy.
I even wanted to audition for “Jersey Shore”– casting was hosted at this ratchet ass club called The Crazy Donkey that me and my thotty friends would attend teen night in ugly bandage dresses– but my mom wouldn’t let me. ANYWAY, you know that “Jersey Shore” is a trashy cultural icon that entertained the masses and gave us gems like “T Shirt Time” and “Cabs are here” but did you know that the “Jersey Shore” is actually very lesbian? Allow me to walk you through the varying degrees of lesbianism of the cast. *fist pumps vigorously*
9. Sammi Sweetheart, An Actual Straight Person
Sammi is proof that some people really are just straight. Kind of a waste though, because her ratchet fighting skills would be an asset to the drunk Long Island lesbians brawling at Pride. And her constant make-up-break-up pattern with Ronnie is pretty f*cking lesbian too. Come to think of it…
8. Ronnie, Another Actual Straight Person
^actual footage of me at the gay bar.
Again, the make-up-break-up dance gives him some lesbian points, but his toxic masculinity wouldn’t really fly in the lez community, so he stays down on the list.
7. Angelina, The Staten Island Femme
I always fall for the ones everyone hates (Ie: Jenny.) I actually really liked Angelina’s presence on the show. She gave it some ~flavor.~ And her “UMMMM, HELLO????” quote remains a part of my vernacular forever. And she’s also the Staten Island lesbian that doesn’t really fit in the NYC gay community so she acts out with drama because she’s so ostracized. Come on guys, be nice to the new girl wearing cheetah print. She can make lasagna and gives amazing head. Angelina also totally has an OkCupid profiling saying that she hates drama and is looking an an old school butch that will treat her like a princess.
6. JWoww, The Hot Lez Stripper
We all know one. The insanely hot lez stripper that loves to take mens’ money and then leave and f*ck girls. She’s “stereotypically” pretty and straight passing, and milks the patriarchy for all its worth. Slay girl. In the words of JWoww herself, “after I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.” I’m not completely sure what this means, but I think she was hinting to us that she eats pussy. Use your imagination.
5. Pauly D, the Pretty Boi
Pauly D is the “butch” lesbian that takes longer to get ready than her super femme girlfriend. She LOVES music festivals and goes to Ultra every year, wearing the same variation of a neon tank top with a vaguely misogynistic sentiment on it but it’s okay cause she’s a girl. She has 50K instagram followers, for no other reason than being hot, and posts a story saying “come find me at [whatever 3 lesbian parties she regularly attends].”
4. Deena, The Party Babe
Deena has admitted she’s “bicurious” on the show, so obvious lesbian points. She’s the babe in the scene that everybody loves. I mean, she is a blast in a glass. She’s the girl at the gay bar that buys anyone a shot the second she meets them, and declares she loves them. She also ends every night drunk crying, on her hands and knees, looking for her phone. I love her, BTW. No one really knows what her job is, or how she supports herself, but she fabulous AF.
3. Vinny, The Soft Butch
No lesbian is immune to the allure of a soft butch. Vinny is the classically beautiful lez that dresses in a white wifebeater (no bra obviously) and jeans and the girls swoon. She definitely writes poetry and femmes can’t resist her sensitive side.
2. Snooki, the drunk lesbian that will make out with every girl in Henrietta Hudson
Snooki has gave us the most lesbian action on the show, and she has a theory about why the lesbian population is going up in the world. She also just really seems to love kissing girls and a good time. She’s the party babe with no job’s BFF and no one is sure if they’re hooking up or not.
1. Mike The Situation, The Ultimate Lesbian F*ckboy
IF THERE EVER WAS A LESBIAN F*CKBOY, MIKE THE SITUATION IS IT. She grooms her eyebrows meticulously, serves sultry serious looks for selfies (NEVER a smile, ALWAYS a smize) and does those weird snapchat videos of her mouthing the words to an R&B song. But for all her f*ckery, no one can resist her. (Remember how the girl’s would flock to touch Mike’s abs in the club) Yup. I’d be one of those girls. If I wasn’t making out with Angelina (call me.)
If you want to nurse our Dinah hangovers together and watch the Jersey Shore premiere, hit a bitch up. We’ll GTL.