1) Thank you for the opportunity to consider your piece, but I’m afraid it’s a pass.
2) Before you finish the nine-hour drive to hear me play tuba at Oktoberfest in Ontario, you should know there are other things in my life that would not be fair to you. When I mentioned the gig, I was foolishly not thinking that it could be taken as an invitation.
3) Thanks for the look! Hope you’ll keep trying.
4) I can’t pay for that.
5) This is so hard to write, and honestly, kissing you in the back of a cab while you rubbed Catholic ashes on my palm was the sexiest time I’ve ever had. I’m just not up for entering the vortex of emotional connection.
6) You left your umbrella in the car. Can I keep it?
7) Try Alissa. But she doesn’t like to see photos.
8) Entertaining, but I just had something very similar.
9) I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I have struggled with knowing the right path. It’s not with you.
10) [No response]
11) Good luck placing it elsewhere.
12) Your Moon is in Aquarius? Sorry, I can’t stay to finish this drink. I have to pack. I’m moving out of state tomorrow.
13) I’ve passed your proposal onto my colleague.
14) I can’t use this.
15) Have you tried submitting to Rachel?
16) I don’t accept attachments.
17) Check back in a year.
18) We invite you to support other writers who are not you by becoming a Patreon member.
19) Apologies for my horribly delayed response; I’m generally leery of this type of thing.
20) Not a good move to reach out to multiple people at the same time with this. We all know each other, and we WILL hate you.
23) Despite its evident merit, I can’t touch that.
24) Thank you for your submission.
25) Sayōnara, Mrs. Kackleman
- a) Editor 18
- b) Lesbian 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 12, 22
- c) Both 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24
- d) Neither 25, For the love of CunniLinguists, that’s a book* title!
*with due respect to author Maira Kalman