Ask A Seasoned Lez: Help! I’ve Never Dated A Woman Before

How do I know if I’m moving too fast? Is scissoring real? How do I keep my cool?

Female couple lying in the bedPhoto by istock

Dear Dayna,

I’ve never had a girlfriend before and I just went on a third date with this girl I really like. I don’t want to ruin it by being too eager and she doesn’t know I’ve never dated a girl before. I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I have so much to deal with first. I feel like she’s going to find out I’m not as experienced as her. What if she doesn’t really think I’m gay? How do I know if I’m moving too fast? Is scissoring real? How do I keep my cool? Do I have to wear a strap-on? Should I tell her I’ve never dated another woman before? What if she thinks I’m being too U-Haul-y? I have so many questions; I just keep getting more anxious!


Baby Dyke

Dear Darling Baby Dyke,

RELAX. Take a deep breath before you even read my response. Maybe even pour yourself a glass of Pinot Grigio, babe. (And congrats on your first lesbian U-Haul joke!) Listen to me: You’re not going to “ruin it.”

What seems like the bigger issue here, is not that it’s your first girl-on-girl relationship, but that you’re anxious to effectively communicate with this girl, and that you’re totally unsure what page she’s on re: your relationship. That’s okay. Life is confusing and dating is confusing. Multiply that by two women and all hell breaks loose.
That being said, the fact that she’s your first is something you should be forthcoming about. I won’t say it doesn’t matter, because it does. This is your first foray into lesbo-land! The feelings! The sex! It’s a big deal! The fact that she’s your first woman inevitably informs your relationship. Just tell her! If she’s worth dating, she won’t care, and might even be a little ~turned on~. We’ve all had our first queer relationship at some point, and it’s the most incredible, intense, validating, exciting thing, like, ever. So why not be honest about that fact and celebrate it?

Up next is unpacking all the other stuff that’s totally separate from the fact that she’s your first. You asked me, like, a zillion questions, babe. Maybe she’s the great love of your life, or maybe she’s this amazing first relationship, or maybe it’s just incredible sex, or maybe you’ll be celebrating your anniversary 80 years from now. Who knows? That’s the fun. That’s life. You can either go with the flow, or flat-out ask her where she sees this going. You’ll have to decide what’s more your style, babe. As far as scissoring goes, try it, it’s fabulous. The rest is up to the lez goddesses above. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket; have you seen The West Village on a Saturday night?

What Do You Think?

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