Community Voices

15 Times Lesbians Wondered ‘Are Straight People Okay?’

Seriously, straight people, blink twice if you need help!

It certainly isn’t easy being a gay woman. That said, sometimes when you look around at the state of cisheterosexual affairs, you just have to say a big THANK YOU that you don’t live that life. Like when straight people have elaborate gender reveal parties, refuse to dine with the opposite sex, and laugh about shooting their husbands. It all seems a bit like a hellscape dystopian nightmare come to life. Honestly, are straight people okay?

That simple question—“Are straight people okay?”—has turned into a handy catchphrase for queer people. It’s a sarcastic (take a joke people!) yet totally honest response to all of the bafflingly straight things that we are forced to witness on a daily basis, some of which are, um, seriously concerning. 

Blink twice if you need help, straight folks!

Here are 15 times that lesbians and other members of the gay community have wondered, are straight people okay?

Are straight people with scarily low expectations for themselves okay?

At this point, the bar is literally in hell. Straight women will fawn over a man who, like, remembers their name and showers every day. Are ya’ll okay?

Are the ones who act like sexual assault is inevitable okay?

As a gay person, the idea that you cannot be around the gender or sex that you’re attracted to without A Thing happening is hilarious. Hilarious, I say!

Are the ones who act like cheating is inevitable okay?

Are the ones who are terrified of their own genitals because of The Gay okay?

Straight people be like, “Fellas, Is it gay to like licking pussy? A dick has been in there at some point in the previous 24 hours!” COME ON NOW. Come. On. Now. 

Are those who can’t fathom fully understanding their partners okay?

If a teacher had given me this “warning” about lesbian relationships, I would have come out of the closet MUCH sooner. A lifelong relationship full of mutual understanding, support, caring, and coziness? As a Taurus, sign me the fuck up.

Are the straights whose husbands think they’re in competition with their CHILDREN okay?

This whole idea that everyone in a family exists in a hierarchy, and that the hierarchy is expressed by who eats first, is bizarre and unnecessary and feels very uncivilized! People can make their own plates, yeah? One can make multiple plates at the same time, yeah?

Are straight people who are preoccupied with which aisle someone’s clothing is from okay?

He’s WeArInG A sHiRt ThAt’s DeSiGnEd FoR wOmEn! 

Okay, AND? Honestly, what is the topic of discussion here? What are we talking about?

Are the ones who “pretend” to “hate” their spouses okay?

Straight person number one: “Haha being married sucks! Lol ball and chain! F*CK my husband! I will literally kill my husband! Somebody call the police I am WORRIED about my husband’s safety!” 

Straight person number two: “That is all very normal and you should put it on a T-shirt!”

Are straights who don’t understand the concept of lesbian weddings okay?

A woman in a well-tailored suit is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my entire life. Straight men are just jealous because so many women agree with me!

Are those who have to have a “man cave” or a “she shed” okay?

Exceedingly weird gender stuff aside, a “She Shed” does not even sound that appealing? Is it a small, cold structure in the backyard? I’m going to build my honey a Woman Wing. A Female Fort. A Lady Lair. A Girl Galaxy. Wait, this is fun!

Are straight people who are obsessed with the difference between a boyfriend and a husband okay?

 

If he’s not your husband, definitely don’t be the type of person who texts him “wya” or “you good?” Also, don’t let him be your best friend or your partner or the person you pay bills with or ANYTHING. And do not see him every day. That’s only for special people, aka husbands.

Are the ones who anthropomorphize sperm and eggs okay?

Straight people love to panic about how gay people ~sexualize~ everything and how the poor children shouldn’t be exposed to our gayness. And yet, they are oddly OBSESSED with sex, genitals, and the science of reproduction. It is… weird. 

Are straights who wouldn’t know a lesbian relationship if it hit them in the face okay?

Straight people be like, “Oh, this very gay-looking woman is holding hands with another woman in public? They must be… (*screws up face, scratches chin*) Very close pals!”

Seriously… are they okay?

The answer is no.

What Do You Think?

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