We know and love our gay culture. And things that are inherently gay, even if straight people don’t get it. But what about STRAIGHT CULTURE? Here are 70 things that straight people are obsessing over, leaving us gays scratching our fabulous heads in confusion.
1. Vera Bradley bags
What is chic about PAISLEY? Nothing.
2. Michael Kors watches
Giving your girlfriend a Michael Kors watch for Christmas is straight culture.
3. The Office
Thinking The Office is funny is also straight culture.
4. The Chainsmokers
The whitest white boys that make all straight girls ~feel~ things.
6. “Love is love”
Thinking this phrase is allyship is like getting a kiddy pool to cool off on a 98 degree day. It’s just not going to cut it.
7. Forrest Gump
And yelling “Run, Forrest, run!” after anyone who is moving over the speed of .1 miles per hour.
8. Swim trunks as shorts
Straight men: get it together.
9. Going to Pride but not being an ally year round
Whoops, did that sound like shade?
10. Boat shoes
11. Splitting the bill down to the penny
Kate owes $15.74. John owes $24.53 because of that extra beer. Sharon owes $5.78 because she only got fries. Carl owes $28.55. GODDAMN IT JUST SPLIT IT UP EVENLY. Gay people don’t have time for trivial things like math.
12. Promise rings
I know because my one and only straight boyfriend got me one. After dating for 5 months.
13. Gender reveal parties
And losing their f*cking minds over blue m&ms spilling out of a cake.
14. Spirit animals
I just don’t understand why straight people list a dolphin as their spirit animal in their Tinder bio? Not to mention, this is racist AF.
15. Royal weddings
Like, they wake up at 2am to watch this shit. Why?!???
16. Gendering everything
“Is your dog a girl or boy?” It’s a f*cking DOG.
17. Holiday family photo cards
In coordinated outfits. Obvi.
18. “Live, laugh, love” art
I see this in someone’s house and run.
19. “If you’re dating a girl that dresses like a man, why not just date a man?”
Ummm. The whole entire point is that we’re both women.
20. Dave Matthews Band / Phish outdoor concerts
They go bonkers for this shit.
21. Disney World
Only the most terrifying straight people enjoy Disney World as adults.
22. Sip and paint events
Usually with their mom and their bestie. Yes, they actually hang the artwork they paint in their house afterward.
23. Men explaining beer and women thinking they’re ~so different~ for liking beer
Straight culture at its finest. Can be witnessed in the wild at any bar in Williamsburg on a Friday night.
24. Calling their husband/wife their “partner”
A sad attempt at trying to be cool.
25. Sports jerseys
26. Coordinated outfits
See number 17.
27. Asking lesbians to kiss after they’ve had two beers
Yup, it’s happened to me.
28. Going hard for their birthdays
No one has the determination of a straight girl planning her birthday brunch.
29. Chinese letter / tribal / dreamcatcher tattoos
Are they trying to show that they’re like… cultural or some shit? Because it’s not working.
30. Complaining about how hard they/them/theirs pronouns are because OMG, GRAMMAR
The binary really got straight people f*cked up.
31. Talking about the cut of their engagement ring
Princess cut, cushion cut, square cut, hetero cut, boring cut, etc.
32. Office parties
Why do you want to spend that much time with your coworkers… like after work…
Why do straight people PAY to RUN? Us gays just sip our mimosas and laugh as the straights run by.
34. Coffee mugs that say “She believed she could so she did”
Complete with weak Keurig coffee inside.
35. Turning a blind eye to homophobic and transphobic hate crimes
I just call it as I see it.
36. Hiding all their sexual kinks / not even being in touch with them
Having sex in the dark, under the covers, only in missionary.
37. Self-help books
The Secret is a favorite amongst the straights.
38. Eat Pray Love
And then traveling to Thailand for “answers.”
39. Reposting quote cards on Instagram
40. “I’m just not that into politics”
AKA I don’t care because it doesn’t impact me.
41. Taking pictures like this
42. Voting for white supremacists
43. Pop up events
This is the straight people natural habitat. Observe how they pose for the perfect Instagram picture.
And singing “I’m on a boat bitch” when they’re wine drunk.
45. Slogan tees
“Feminist AF” “No Bad Vibes” “The Future Is Female” “Je T’Aime”
46. Bodycon dresses
You know straight girls mean business when they put on their bodycon dresses and pregame with vodka.
47. Getting into Le Bain to take an Instagram but being scared of all the queer nightlife people
They’re so hype while waiting in line but once they get inside they stand still with their arms glued to their sides in fear of all the queerdos.
48. Drag queens but not drag kings
I almost got into a legit fight because straight people in khakis were watching drag queens and not cheering OR tipping. Garbage. Absolute garbage. You can’t appreciate queer culture in khakis. ALSO, PAY US FOR OUR HOTNESS OR GET OUT.
49. Nicholas Sparks
If you’re a basic straight person, I’m a basic straight person.
50. Law and Order: SVU
Honestly, it’s all they binge watch on the weekends.
51. “My gay BFF”
52. Hint of Lime chips
“Babe, don’t forget hint of lime chips for the boat this weekend!”
53. “Not all who wander are lost”
I hate to break it to you, darling, but if you quote this you’ve lost your way down the scrapbooking aisle at Michaels.
54. Listing travel as a hobby in their dating app profile
Travel: a straight ritual in which a pilgrimage is made to Miami approximately once a year. The rest of the year is followed by throwback photos with the caption “take me back” or “where I’d rather be.” Note: these are typically uploaded during snowstorms.
55. Looking for a “unicorn” on Tinder
It’s really creepy to be like, “My boyfriend wants you as a gift for his birthday.” Am I a candle? A gift card to Target?
56. Saying they’re “not like other girls”
“I AM SO DIFFERENT. I LIKE FROSÉ NOT ROSÉ.”
57. Asking “who’s the man in the relationship?”
No one. That’s kind of the point… I know you’re jealous, Karen. Call me sometime.
58. Macklemore’s song Same Love
59. Photoshoots for every step of their life together
There’s a photoshoot for the proposal, engagement party, bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal shower, the actual wedding, honeymoon, first pet together, pregnancy, etc etc…
60. Different parties for every single life event
Can I please get showered with gifts for my new apartment? For my book deal? Being in a relationship for longer than five months? Flag Day? Damn, straight people get so many gifts for just following the rules of heteronormativity.
61. Saying they’re an ally but voting for an anti-gay candidate
There’s just more important issues than your basic human rights.
62. Dramatic haircut reveal photos for 3 inches being chopped off
How edgy. Big change.
63. Calling disabled people inspiring
Straight people LOVE “inspiring” disabled people, especially if they got injured in an accident doing a straight person activity such as skiing, and have since “overcome” their disability.
64. YouTube straight couples
This couple freaks me the F*CK out but straight people love them. And their wild gender reveal party video.
65. Olive Garden breadsticks
Unlimited straight basic-ness.
66. Getting engaged on Christmas
67. Pandora bracelets
We really just don’t understand this shit.
And yoga pants.
69. Panera Bread
And ordering bread bowls. Y’all call this a date?
70. Captioning their photos “did a thing”
Job announcement: “did a thing.” Bought a house: “did a thing.” Got a puppy: “did a thing.”