Sex Ed Friday: 5 Things All Queer Women Need To Know About Anal Play

Booty play is super fun, naughty and sexy to engage in but it’s only going to be as good as the communication you have with your partner.

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There is such a silence around talking about anal play, especially for queer women. This comes from stigma around anal sex: that if you like anal you’re a “slut” or you’re just doing it to please your partner or simply that queer women don’t enjoy anal. When there’s a stigma around sex, that usually means people are afraid to talk about it and thus aren’t empowered with the information they need to really enjoy booty time.

Women continuously report that a huge aspect of orgasm and pleasure is having a level of comfort with the person they’re sleeping. Feeling comfortable enough to try anal for the first time takes a little bit of knowledge around how to make sure your experience is ah-mazing! Booty-licious time isn’t just for gay guys, we can have our fun too. Though many women don’t have a prostate gland (also known as the p-spot) which is known as the pleasure point for bums, we still have nerve rich bootys that can make for a super sexy time. But you can’t just dive into anal play without a little bit of planning first. Here are 5 tips to get you started!

1. Practice makes perfect

Anal play can be intimidating for so many people. Will it hurt? Will you know *poop* come out on her finger? The best way to qualm that feeling of fear is to practice by yourself first. That way, if something embarrassing happens the only one around is you and hopefully you can have a little giggle about it! However, unless your body is giving you The Feeling that you had too much fiber last night, then your rectum should be clear for playtime. You can always slip a soapy finger up there while taking a shower to be extra sure.

Get yourself some nice lube and add anal play to your regular masturbation habits. You can try with fingers (sometimes gloves make things a bit smoother at fist) or toys. When it comes to anal play there are so many fun toy options! You can go with the tried and true dildo or a butt plug which come in many different sizes for beginners-comfort. See tip number 5 for more on toys!

2. Lube, lube and more lube

Unlike a vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate. You’ll need to slather up with some lube before you begin. You’ll want to pick a thicker, water-based lube as it will stay in place longer and can be refreshed with a splash of water. Anal sex should not hurt, if it does then your body is telling you that something isn’t right. It’s best to go slow and steady with lots of lube to build up to a faster pace if desired. With anal play, the first insertion can be the hardest part so be easy with yourself.

3. Talk about it, baby!

If you’re engaging in play with someone, be sure to tell her what feels good! Communication is key. There are many different ways you can explore anal sex; finger play, toys, penetrative anal and anilingus. It can be really naughty and sexy to figure out what you’re both into when it comes to booty play. It’s usually best to start off anal play with gloved fingers to test it out. Gloves allow for a smoother texture and protection from any nail damage. The majority of booty-related injuries are temporary fissures that result from over enthusiastic play, often from too-long nails.

It’s common that mental blocks get in the way of play time if you’re nervous. When you feel tense about trying something your body reacts and the first thing to tense up is usually your bum. That definitely doesn’t work with the current mission at hand! If you’re feeling these nerves, start with a little booty massage or a soft vibration on your anus—that will help you relax and get back into the zone.

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4. What goes up there?

Your anus consists of bacteria that is only healthy for the booty area so be intentional about what you put up there. STIs can be transmitted anally so it’s important to keep in mind your safer-sex practices and barrier use if you aren’t fluid bonding with your partner. Any toys you want to use during anal play should be disinfected with soap and water, it’s also important to note that you should check to make sure toys are made of non-porous materials like silicone, stainless steel or glass. While it’s safe to move a toy from vaginal play to your anus, it is not safe to go from booty to vagina. Be sure to wash toys, fingers, etc before switching back to vaginal play.

5. Have fun with it

As previously mentioned, there are so many different toy options to pleasure your bum. You should pick your poison depending on the type of play you want to engage in. Anal beads can be a super sex addition, especially for beginners. The beads get gradually bigger as you insert them so you can go as far as you’d like, even if it’s only going for the first bead. Though they don’t stay in place very well throughout other play—they make for a super sensation when slowly removed during orgasm.

Plugs are perfect to set it and forget it. They come in many different shapes and sizes, for your own pleasure! Make sure they always have a solid base so that it doesn’t slip all the way inside your anus. These are great for ladies who want to feel an extra sensation while they engage in other play like vaginal penetration or oral.

And of course, the tried and true dildo for anal penetration. This type of stroking and deep penetration can be too extreme for booty beginners but amazing for those ready to take the plunge. I would suggest going with a thin and smooth dildo (made of glass or stainless steel) with a slight curve for the most pleasurable experience. The curve should be inserted in the natural shape of the rectum, pointing upward.

Booty play is super fun, naughty and sexy to engage in but it’s only going to be as good as the communication you have with your partner. When you’re trying something new in the bedroom, aftercare is so key. Talk about what you loved about anal and what didn’t quite feel the best.


Corinne Werder is a writer, sex educator and girl on the move currently residing in Brooklyn, NY. She looks at the world through the lens of a pleasure activist, femme-of-center queer woman. Her background in sex education comes from her volunteer work with RAINN, her work as a sexual assault/domestic violence advocate and she is currently a student at the Institute for Sexuality and Enlightenment. 

Have more sex questions? Leave a comment below or email and come back for more every Friday! 

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only and should not replace or substitute for any medical, or other professional advice or help. For concerns requiring psychological or medical advice, please consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist This column, its author, the magazine and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice contained within this column.

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