If you’re anything like me, you spend your free time thinking about “Twilight.” Like so many people my age, I couldn’t get enough information about the undead heartthrobs known as the Cullen Clan in 2008. I would blame my obsession over “Twilight” characters on the cool-hued filter they used in all the movies or the literal masterpieces the movies turned in for every soundtrack, but the truth is I was a Twihard from the very beginning, from the first page I read. As a queer child sitting on a brand new mattress at my Dad’s house that he purchased to make me feel more at home, I fell in love with Bella Swan and Edward Cullen.
Some critics say that Bella is just a shell of a girl. But that’s what makes “Twilight” so appealing: anyone can see themselves in her. I personally related to Bella a great deal, save for moving away from my mom and meeting a boy who was actually interested in me. I knew what it was like to deal with your parents’ divorce. What it was like to stroll the impossible line of keeping both sets of parents happy when it shouldn’t reasonably be your responsibility. To miss someone so much and then, as soon as you see them, have nothing to say and hole up in your room reading books.
I also knew what it was like to believe you don’t fit in with other humans. While Bella was, like, clumsy or whatever, I also had a hard time relating to girls my own age. I couldn’t get into makeup or fixing my perpetually frizzy hair. I wore a ponytail every day just so I wouldn’t have to think about it, see it, and feel it touching my neck. I wore basketball shorts and big t-shirts in an attempt to hide a body that was growing in places that I did not give it permission to.
That was only my first puberty. Later on when I came out as transgender, my transformation, unlike Bella’s, didn’t end with pale skin that twinkled in the sun, super speed, or a taste for blood. It was more like lumpy skin that occasionally bled when I picked at it too much, super strength (comparatively), and a taste for literally everything (because I was hungry all the time.)
Maybe Bella was transgender too, and the vampires just got to her first. That may be true, but it is my firm belief that the rest of the “Twilight” characters are lesbians. I mean, just look at their eyebrows! They must tweeze every time us mere mortals blink! From Emmet to Alice, I’m here to set the record straight—they are all definitely lesbians, but some are just a touch more Cubbyhole bound than others.
Esme
Let me be clear, all of the “Twilight” characters on this list are lesbians. Actually, every person in Forks is a lesbian. You cannot live in the Pacific North West and not be a lesbian—that’s the law. Esme is just a lady who was dying and sad and didn’t know what she needed in her life until a beautiful lesbian came along and brought her into the clan. She is now the mother to many beautiful lesbians, and she must be so proud and confused as to how she ended up here.
Alice
Clearly, Alice has a lesbian zest to her. Just look at her. The short hair, cute clothes, ability to see the future (What? We can all do that, right?). She’s totally the cute barista with the pixie haircut that you spend hours staring at, desperately trying to decode if she is gay or just living in Bushwick. But Alice does not give off the strongest lesbian vibes, because she is too focused on showing off to show attraction to another human. She’s more interested in boasting how graceful she is in front of the frat boys at the bar before returning the lesbian bartender’s thirsty head nod. Nobody ever pays attention to her lesbian lover, because Alice is dazzling the room with her party tricks.
Jacob
Jacob has long hair that he cuts short, cannot take his shirt off enough after his transformation, runs a lot to keep up his physique, and eats all day with his brothers. Jacob is a trans man (my next article, perhaps?). Still, Jacob honors his lesbian roots. He was the kind of lesbian that would be the first in his high school to be on the football team.
Jessica
I was really hoping during my read-through of every book that something would make Bella finally notice Jessica. Jessica is beautiful, smart, charming, and fun to hang out with. She was down for anything! Like lesbianism. She chivalrously invited Bella to events that Bella continuously ditched. Remember when Bella walked off with a random boy at La Push? When she ditched Jessica and Angela to go to a book store in a strange-ish city? When she abandoned Jessica completely alone to ride on the back of a motorcycle? Jessica was willing to date Bella and love her for who she was, even though Bella treated her like an afterthought. Tragically, we’ve all known this lesbian. The one we don’t realize we need at the time and look back on to realize we never appreciated her. The one who got away. #TeamJessica.
Charlie
Charlie Swan—Chief Swan, respectfully—would totally be the hot as f*ck chief of police lesbian who does drag on the weekends (have you SEEN that mustache?!). He is Daddy. He will take care of you and be protective of you while still understanding that you need your own space. The best thing about Charlie? He doesn’t hover.
Jasper
Jasper is a cowgirl lesbian. He probably drinks Southern Comfort with Sun Drop. (I have a very narrow frame of reference for what Southern lesbians do). He is polite and also looks like perhaps he will hate crime you for any number of reasons. You will date this lesbian and then wonder why you always feel like you’re being emotionally manipulated. Sound familiar?
Our girl Bella Swan
Caught in a love triangle with two other “Twilight” characters that she would really rather be than date? Classic lesbian behavior.
Emmet
Emmet is the lesbian who tries to arm wrestle the straight girl’s boyfriend at a party. You’re not mad about it—he’s sooo cute. And you know what? If he wins, maybe she’ll be a lesbian for at least the night.
The Mom & The Boyfriend
Bella’s Mom, to be precise. She was like, ‘A daughter? Responsibilities? Nah, I have a new lesbian relationship. I’m gonna ride this crazy train all the way to Miami.’
Edward
Edward is such a tortured f*ckboy that he breaks up with Bella for her “own good.” This is the kind of lesbian action that makes you wonder how any queer woman gets ready for work in the morning without brooding for at least 20 minutes and missing the train.
Rosalie
I’m obsessed with Rosalie’s “Eclipse” look where she sported zip-ups with intricate hairstyles. Lesbians know practical and beautiful are not mutually exclusive. Remember when she was ready to off Bella so she could adopt a baby? I know many lesbians who would sell their souls to adopt. Since Rosalie doesn’t have one (a soul, that is), this seems reasonable to me. Rosalie is powerful and has the biceps to back it up. She looks like the kind of lesbian that could pick you up even before she turned into a vampire. Please pick me up, Rosalie. I am so scared of you in the best way.
Carlisle
You’re laying in bed. You feel an arm gracefully embrace you. His scent surrounds you. He gently turns you on your side so that you’re gazing deep into his eyes. He whispers, “You’re so magical.” Can this be anyone but the head lesbian of the Cullen Clan, Carlisle Cullen? We have our lesbian winner of the “Twilight” characters.
