I’ve always wanted to go to a lesbian bar, but I’m nervous that I’m not cool enough. The way you talk about it is so amazing and fun and dazzling, but I’m terrified I’m too introverted for that scene. And even if I could get myself to a bar, I think I would throw up if I tried to hit on a girl. I really want to go out and make friends and find a girlfriend, but my social anxiety keeps getting in the way. What are some tips for a first time nerdy lesbian?
– Lesbian Urkle
Dear Lesbian Urkle,
I may have the honor of giving advice as a lesbian sex and dating writer, but oh honey! I panic my way through life, so you’ve come to the right place for help. Though I am an anxious babe, I still regularly go out, turn up and hook up. How, you ask? Follow these simple steps: Look beautiful, drink and force yourself to talk to strangers.
First things first: You need a new outfit. I won’t lie to you — yes, lesbian bars can be intimidating. Yes, the scene can feel a little cliquish. Yes, the girls are hot and dressed impeccably. But you know what else? Those same girls are humans just like you and me. They’re out to have a good time just like you and me. And they are probably cruising for sex just like you and me. You know what else? You can be just as cool and swaggy if you overcome your anxiety.
Once you’ve scored a hot new outfit (might I suggest black jeans and a leather jacket to play it classic lez chic?), it’s time to drink. I never said this was healthy advice! I’m a nightlife lez, not a fitness lez. Drinking loosens you up, lowers your inhibitions and heightens your confidence. But don’t drink too much. You think you have social anxiety now, girl? It’s nothing compared to the crushing-chest-head-fog-panic-shame-spiral you’ll feel if you wake up tomorrow not remembering last night. You have a five-drink max, babe.
More important than drinking is being nice. I used to turn into major mean-girl-mode as a defense mechanism for how insecure I was feeling. I’d scowl at anyone that looked at me. I acted like I was too good to talk to strangers. Now I am always smiling and say to hi everyone. It’s much easier and much more fun. I know it’s tempting to put your tough-babe armor on when you’re feeling anxious, but being vulnerable and kind is a much better way to make friends and enjoy yourself.
Living my fab life has taught me an incredibly important thing: It’s not that serious. Like, nothing is. Especially nightlife! Life is short. Nothing you do will really matter (okay, now the Jenny Schecter in me is coming out, cut the nihilism). In short, just say go with it, and have fun. I believe in you. And if you see me out, come say hi!
Self-proclaimed dyke princess Dayna Troisi is proud to be Associate Editor at GO Magazine. She is passionate about lesbian sex + dating, beauty + fashion, and her badass bionic arm. The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only and should not replace or substitute for any medical, or other professional advice or help.